4 year old son answering back, arguing and screaming!

[JR2021]

So I have a 4yo son who is very head strong and independent , always has been. But over this past year hes changed and I simply can’t control him anymore.
I only have to ask him to please pick up his toys when he’s finished playing with them and the response I get is NO .. IM NOT .. STOP .... IM NOT LISTENING TO YOU. This goes on until I loose it and shout but that doesn’t work , I put him in his room and he comes back out, I take things away like toys when he argues back , that doesn’t work soon as he earns them back he starts again.
It’s constant all day every day , there hasn’t been a day now for months where he hasn’t argued or answered back to everything I say or ask.
Took him to the shops , he asked for something at the shop when I said no he stamped his feet shouting at the top of his lungs YOUR HORRIBLE , I WANT IT WHY CANT I HAVE IT THATS NOT FAIR. When I approach him in this state to talk to him he runs away shouting DONT TOUCH ME GET AWAY FROM ME and screams like he’s being murdered.
Since he was old enough to understand the word no I’ve always told him off for doing wrong and praised him for doing right . He starts school next week , nursery have never had a problem with him they say he’s the model child never had to say a bad word to him or about him and they praise me for how well he’s done which is so lovely to hear but he’s nothing like that at home.
I’ve exhausted every method now and I’m starting to get down about it as I really have tried my hardest and I never let him walk all over us. I have a baby girl who was born in lockdown aswell and all I seem to do is shout over her to him and I’m worried all she is going to know is shouting.
I’m exhausted and so is my partner as he also doesn’t listen to him.
Any advice please ?!?!?

[Tacca]

It sounds like you are doing a lot of things right and maybe it is just consistency in those rules.

If my child didn't put their toys away, I would put them in a "special box". I would make sure he knew that when things go in the special box he doesn't get to play with them for at least a day. The choice you are giving him is tidy up or lose your toys, they will normally tidy up.

If he had a meltdown in the shops, I would make sure when you got home you told him that he wasn't allowed out to the shops again. I would make a special trip if needed when your husband is home to watch him and make sure he knew you were going the shops without him. He will have a meltdown but the next time you go the shops, tell him he isn't allowed unless he behaves. He will remember and is far more likely to be good, especially if at the end of the trip you buy him something for being good.

You don't have to argue and have battles with children, just give them choices where it is in their interest to behave.

Admittedly that is very generalised, some children's behaviour is more complex than the above and some children have conditions, but I hope it helps a little.