What would you do?

(5 Posts)
bethany19 Wed 12-Aug-20 01:01:52

I have a one year old daughter and my boyfriend smacked her (very lightly) on her bum when he changed her nappy and tried to discipline her. I told him that's not how I want her raised and that it is not acceptable. He replied "a little smack here and there never harmed me". I then continued to make my point and he said it wouldn't happen again..

Cut a long story short.. his family have never really made me feel welcome. They never contact me and will ask my boyfriend to bring my daughter round theirs every few months to see her. My daughter barely knows them (as do I) and he has asked to take her round there this weekend. He doesn't speak to his dad (his parents broke up 10 odd years ago and apparently his dad was abusive to his mum). I've met his dad once (on my daughters birthday). My boyfriend has said his dad wants to see her this weekend and that he plans to leave her with him and his mum for a few hours whilst he goes out (he doesn't want to see or speak to his dad - hasn't had any contact for years). However, I don't feel comfortable leaving her with them as 1) she doesn't know them very well and will be very unsettled and 2) I don't know them very well either - feel like I'm handing them over to complete strangers 3) I don't even trust her own father with her at the moment since the smack...

What would you do? Can I refuse to my daughter go there or am i being unreasonable? Another thing to add is that his mum randomly told my daughter off the last time I was there (for moaning when her nappy needed to be changed)

OP’s posts: |
Jannt86 Wed 12-Aug-20 08:16:12

I would have zero tolerance for anyone hitting my child,even their dad, especially at such a young and vital age. It's difficult to stress just how important this early time is for a baby's development and how much impact it can affect their development and future happiness and potential but studies have shown time and time again that it's crucial. I would look up the 1001 days movement on Google and you'll see what I mean. The worry is that he's not interested in listening to you ask him not to do it. There is NO place for snacking a child in today's society. If your boyfriend isn't accepting of that then personally I'd be explaining that if he does it any more then that's it and I'd be keeping a record of anything aggressive that he does to your child in case you need it to prove your point in court. I would not be allowing him to be alone with the child until he proves he's not going to do it again. Some things in parenting should be shared decisions but some are non-negotiable and this is one of those things. Did he do it in a controlled way or did he 'lose it'? Has he ever been violent? You don't have to answer those questions but if you're worried that he is a serious threat to your's or your child's safety then I'd look up local women's charities and tell a trusted friend what's going on too and have an exit plan. It's hard to tell whether this was just bad judgement from your bf or whether he has a violent temperament. Either way it needs to stop now. Good luck. I hope you can fix this together x

ZooKeeper19 Wed 12-Aug-20 09:33:38

@bethany19 ah, sorry to hear. I agree with PP, would not leave the DD with his parents.

Perhaps say she is too small, and if they want to see her you are happy (just lie here a bit) to stay with her so they can have some nice time with her too. Everyone will be happier, both her, you and they won't have to put up with a crying baby.

His dad was abusive, hence he grew up seeing that and thinks it does no harm. I'm not from the UK and grew up beaten too (although in a loving home, with slightly stricter parents nevertheless). Did me no real harm, but I severely disagree with this and will never do this to my kids. There is a really nice book called "A book you wish your parents have read" about how to raise children without violence. Maybe read it together with your partner, talk to him about why you think hitting is wrong.

It's impossible to make him change his mind just by saying "do not do this". You need to show him, that a loving approach with clear boundaries and mutual communication is a better choice. I hope it works smile

bethany19 Wed 12-Aug-20 10:02:08

@Jannt86 I've stressed how I won't tolerate the smacking as this is the second time he has hit her (the first was when she touched a plug so he lightly tapped her hand and told her off). He is a bit ignorant with his parenting which is the main reason why we argue. He thinks I'm moaning and being controlling but Im stamping my foot down on how our DD will and will not be raised. The other night I cried and said to him "do you want DD to grow up thinking it's normal for men to hit her" he got my point and said it wouldn't happen again but how long do I wait until I can trust him on his own with her?.. he didn't 'loose it' with DD because he laughed as he done it and asked her to sit still. I think it's one of those strategies that he thinks is 'normal' and I think he does it without realising how wrong it is. He does have a temper but will either shout or walk away (I've also pulled him up about the shouting)

OP’s posts: |
bethany19 Wed 12-Aug-20 10:05:41

@ZooKeeper19 thank you I will try the book and get my boyfriend to read it too. After I cried when he smacked her he was taken back and said it would never happen again. It's put me in the position where I don't trust him alone with her now, certainly not around the whole family on her own where they grew up in the household where they used that as a form of punishment.

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