Relationship with first child after new baby

[arianwe]

I just wanted to ask for peoples honest opinions on the above.

When you had your second child, how did you feel about your first?

I love my eldest Daughter (nearly 3) with all my heart and used to love spending time with her playing etc, but since having my 2nd baby 3 months ago, I suddenly find my eldest incredibly annoying and it drives me up the wall spending time with her. I feel like she wants absolutely everything from me all the time. She wants to play constantly, particularly when she can see that I'm feeding the baby or have just sat down to eat/coffee etc. Any time she can see that I'm with the baby or having 5 minutes to myself, she suddenly wants me to play/cook food etc and will throw a tantrum the entire time. I just feel like she won't give me 2 seconds to myself and if I'm totally honest, I dread her coming over to me as I know she's going to ask me to play for the 700th time that day. I feel like I'm always shouting at her for misbehaving and I get angry when she intentionally does things for attention. (I do spend 1 on 1 time with her 3-4 times a day so she has my undivided attention). I try each day not to get angry or to react differently to her tantrums and attention seeking behaviour but it's hard.

I hate to admit this but I just have the strongest urge to spend all of my time with my newborn and to care for her and look after her and keep bonding with her.

I was wondering if anyone else has had a similar experience and felt this way for a little while after their new baby, or if I'm nuts?

[missingmum]

I don't as exactly like you, found my then 3 yo annoying and she looked so huge compared to my newborn I expected a lot from her and looking back I was probably too hard on her. Must of been quite tough on her seeing me lavish attention on her baby sister and get irritated (pretty much constantly) with her.

After around 6 months I felt more balanced but I totally understand this instinct to be with the baby.

My eldest now has a few social difficulties and low confidence and I do wonder if I contributed to that, just be aware that 3 is still very tiny too

[missingmum]

Was exactly like you I meant

[arianwe]

Oh I'm glad I'm not alone in feeling this way. I feel like it's one of those things that people don't ever admit to because it makes you sound like a horrific Mum.

I keep trying to remind myself that she is so young and I need to be less harsh with her.
She is obviously finding the change of having a baby sister quite difficult.

Thank you for mentioning the low confidence as I have been worried that I might be affecting her confidence etc in the future and I really don't want to do that so something I will have to really work on.

Thanks for replying and being honest

[arianwe]

@missingmum Oh I'm glad I'm not alone in feeling this way. I feel like it's one of those things that people don't ever admit to because it makes you sound like a horrific Mum.

I keep trying to remind myself that she is so young and I need to be less harsh with her.
She is obviously finding the change of having a baby sister quite difficult.

Thank you for mentioning the low confidence as I have been worried that I might be affecting her confidence etc in the future and I really don't want to do that so something I will have to really work on.

Thanks for replying and being honest

[CP2701]

I Honestly don't think it is 'just one of those things' that happens when you have two children. I have two, I spend time with them equally and the eldest has never annoyed me after I had the second. I feel like it is more about you than her behaviour. Are you possibly finding things difficult? Perhaps it could be because you're so tired etc, you are craving that cuppa on your own with 5 mins peace which is totally understandable!

Your eldest seems like she's having tantrums etc to try and get your attention. Remember, her whole world has changed too and she used to have you to herself. I was the exact opposite to you in that I included the eldest in everything as I was so worried she would feel rejected.

When you are bonding with the newborn, could you possibly involve big sister? Let her help with changing a nappy or bathing her etc. Let her see it doesn't have to be her and you... Or baby and you. That's the only advice I can think to give you. I personally don't think it's normal as such to want to spend all of your time with one and get annoyed so easily with the other. I feel you may need to work at finding a better balance, which you're obviously trying to do by writing this post.

Wishing you lots of luck!

[VillageFete]

9 year gap between mine and I totally relate to what you’re saying. My daughter seemed to want/need everything from me as soon as number 2 came along. She suddenly got louder and more demanding. I remember that feeling of just wanting to bond with my newborn.

It’ll pass. Just be mindful of how you deal with it.

[arianwe]

Thanks @CP2701. I would say I'm finding it hard that the eldest wants so much of my attention and in all honesty, I definitely would like 5 minutes of my own time throughout the day. Her behaviour really has changed a lot since the baby though, and I do find the tantrums and attention seeking really hard to deal with.

Really good idea to try and involve my eldest with the baby. I have tried a few things to get her involved and she has really enjoyed them. I didn't really realise that I was making it about "her and me" or "baby and me" so thanks for pointing that out. Don't know why I didn't think of that!!

Thank you for the suggestions x