Is going to the childminder causing trauma for my DC. Any child psychologists on here?

[babyboyworries]

For the past year or so DS (2) has been in the eyes of me/DH/family/friends a highly sensitive and emotional little boy. He wants his own way, has tantrums A LOT, and is generally the one crying/creating a fuss if we’re in a group of toddlers. I love him more than anything in the world but worry at the back of my mind- am I doing something wrong, should I get him assessed for ASD, and so on.

In March obviously the childminder closed (he usually goes 3 days a week) and my work tailed off so he’s been at home with us full time since then. I was worried but in fact it’s been a revelation. He has been calm, interested & engaged, and no tantrums for weeks on end. I presumed he was just maturing and changing but he started back at the CM on Monday and we’re right back to square 1. She always says he behaves beautifully for her but as soon as he gets home there is screaming, meltdowns, hitting mummy and so on. I can’t even take him for a walk to the woods anymore, whereas during lockdown we’d spend whole days out with no issues.

I know this sounds clear cut ie. I should give up my job and keep him home. But he’s an only child and he won’t get much proper interaction with other kids?
Does anyone have any experience ie. will this get better if I just push through or is it more important for him to be fully secure and stay home with me until school, when he will be older and more mentally equipped for all the stimulation?

[babyboyworries]

*This is not judging childcare at all by the way, just struggling with my particular child at this particular point in time. I could feasibly stop working as DH works full time and we won’t starve, I’ve never not worked though and it would change the balance of our relationship/ probably ruin my sanity.

[NuffSaidSam]

It sounds like maybe he is overtired/over stimulated.

The terrible behaviour on coming home from childcare is unfortunately very common and usually just a sign of tiredness.

Is his behaviour bad on the days when he doesn't go to the childminder at all, does he settle again after a few days at home?

Think also about how what you did with him changed during lockdown. Did you go from playgroups and playdates and visiting family and being out and about to being quiet at home, long, calm walks etc? It's quite possibly not just a childcare issue.

[Jannt86]

I think you have to be realistic about what time you can and can't spend with him but also listen to your child. When my daughter first started with a CM she absolutely hated it. I thought it was just her struggling to adjust after being joined at the hip to be but I then started to realise that this CM wasn't the greatest.... I moved her to a nursery then and the difference was almost instant. It took her next to no time to settle in and pretty soon she was crying because she didn't want to leave. I'm not saying your CM is no good but I'm just saying really pay attention to their interactions with your LO and their other kids and the way they are with you and if your gut instinct is that anything is up then move him. Although I really liked the CM from as soon as I took her there were warning signs from the start again and moving her made a whole lot of difference. Good luck xx

[sauvignonblancplz]

Yeah I would look at the relationship with the childminder . What does your child say about them?

[Poppinjay]

It is very common for children with ASD to mask when out of the home and then release their emotions when they get home. You've said you wonder if you should get him assessed for ASD. Are there other aspects of his behaviour/development that are causing you to consider ASD?

How is his pretend play? When he plays with small world figures, dolls, etc, does he act out experiences he's had? Do any of those concern you or give you a reason to doubt your childminder?

If the childminder is not being kind to him, moving him to a different setting would be a good idea but, if the issue is ASD, that would probably make things a lot worse, especially if you moved him to a nursery with lots more people and sensory input.

Talk to your childminder. Tell her what you've observed and see if she can shed any light on the matter. Ask her to be frank about his social and emotional development.

Also think about how he is with busy places, clothing textures, changes in routine, etc.

Lockdown is meeting the needs of my two daughters with ASD really well. Life is predicatable, there are no demands to go out, no overwhelming environments, no unexpected visitors, etc.

[babyboyworries]

Thanks so much for the replies. This has really been playing on my mind..
Historically he's absolutely loved the childminder and rushes into her arms when I drop him off. Mentions her name at the weekends etc.

However the past week he's been shouting no, no, no when I drop him off. Not sure if this is because he's got used to being at home during lockdown, or if the childminder is more stressed atm, or what.

I was very sensitive as a child too and used to cry being dropped off at school for many years. I fear he's like me and don't know whether it's best to go with it and keep him at home til he is more secure, or persevere with childcare.