Boys and their behaviour - help?!! An essay!(35 Posts)
I am new to this - first time, be gentle!
My 6 yr old son behaves wonderfully at home, sport clubs, parties. He seems no different to any other child (albeit the running/jumping/shouting kind). But I am at the end of my tether with school who constantly want meetings to discuss his disruptive and aggressive behaviour. I've sought medical advice which seemed to be if he can behave in some settings it's probably not any condition - but I am starting to dread collecting from school each night - the call over to the teacher.
If this sounds familiar to anyone shout up. (We have moved to a new school fairly recently but did have this problem before, so I know it's not the school.
I disagree completely about the behaving in some settings means theres no condition. Not that i am saying there is as i don't know your ds but I do know that many children on the autistic spectrum act differently at schhol than in a home environment.
Who did you see for the medical advice? was it your GP?
Yes did see GP who referred onto Paediatrician (sp). He (obviously) behaved really well for both, answered questions, polite, etc etc! They both felt at first school were embellishing maybe. But as it's gone on this can't be the case. They have said they can refer onto Psychology - but waiting list is 12months. And 12 months of this will make me vanish (I will be so thin from all the worry!)
What do the school say? Have they suggested that he undergoes statutory assessment?
No they haven't. I've been called in again for a meeting next week - class teacher and SENCO for the school. Am wondering if they may suggest, but am not sure what may be involved.
Is he coping well with the work at school? Could it be boredom or lack of understanding? What do his reports say about his academic achievements?
Scandinavian countries (and Germany) do not start them at school until they are seven. There is sound educational research to show that boys under seven are full of energy and need to run around like puppies! Boys who cannot toe the line are labelled "troublesome" "aggressive" and even are mistakenly diagnosed as having "learning difficulties".
I hate this country sometimes! We are so backwards educationally.
Children are like houses - get the foundations right and they will be OK for a lifetime.
Avoid your son being labelled and be brave enough to take him out of school for another year? Brings it's own diffiulties I know but secondary teachers I know say that further up the line it is alsways better to be the biggest boy in the year than the smallest...
Hi and welcome. How has the school handled it? I think you need to sit down with them and agree an action plan, 'this is what we are going to do' to try and resolve this. Do you think they would do that?
Buy the book "Raising Boys" by an Australian author/psychologist called Steve Biddulph. It is thin, readable and fascinating. Trust me. :0
Thanks for all this. He is not interested in reading or writing at all although he loves a more learning like science, maths etc. It is worrying that he appears aggressive at school, they say he is unable to socialise with other children! So far the school are being supportive, but I do think they will want a "label" soon"
The book Raising Boys sounds good - I will order it. (I thought this was so easy having a girl first!)
The book "raising bOys" by Steve Biddulph has a growing fan base . I see it appears in the Early learning Centre's new catalogue so it should be easy to find. I have a boy after a girl and I am amazed at the difference. So much for political correctness - they really ARE a different species! Take care of him and good luck.
I'd take the referral even thought the waiting list is ridiculous (standard for clinical psych though). COuld you see a clinical (not ed) psych privately. they could observe at school and see what's going on- they may be escalating problems.
I know a label sounds a bit scary but in the end if ds is struggling with his behaviour he will end up with one anyway. I felt the same as you with my ds but decided that it was better that he had the label of SN than just being dismissed as a naughty aggressive boy. It also means that he gets the support he needs in the classroom.
I'm not saying that your ds does have SN - he may well just be one of the really lively ones that settle down by themselves as they get older. The fact that your ds has had the same problems in another school suggests that it might be as well to request a statutory assessment. my ds has no dx but has traits of AS/ASD and ADHD. He does have a statement though and fulltime 1:1 which makes a huge difference to how he copes at school.
Welcome to Mnet!
I would second getting Raising Boys. It is a very easy read but is really very insightful & more usefully, practical. I explains so much about boys behaviour. It also talks alot about sons relationships with their dads and it may be that your DH/P could help in some way.
I hope things get better for you.
Thanks everyone so much. Been in to school today - it seems he will only do what he is interested in and refuses to write anything down. Will be obstructive and disobident to avoid anything he dislikes. he also plays "play fighting" along with lots of others, but doesn't know when to stop! The most interesting thing is he seems to know who is the boss, so will follow instructions from Head/Deputy etc and ignore assistants and lunch time supervisors!
School haven't suggested an assessment tho, not sure if that's good or bad. They mentioned Asbergers, but not sure!
oh this is sounding very similar to my ds also 6. Only he has been excluded today. Yesterday he had his hair pulled, so flattened the boy who did it, then kicked him in the face.. The other boy ended up with a massive bump on his head (from the fall) and a broken nose and two black eyes from the kick. I'm shocked beyond belief. DS is mortified, sorry, sad, scared. Where on earth do we go as parents to find out how to deal with this, and help our DS. To get the truth out of my DS, i had to drive to the police station, park outside, then listen and talk. Was this extreme for a 6 yo? I have no idea. I still have no idea about any of it, parenting i mean. I think I need a good shaking. Is it due to my crap skills? would love to hear from others who have had similar experiences.
Oh and welcome to MN. you're definately not on your own!
hi bundle and welcome, what do the school do when he behaves badly???
If its just a big telling off every time, if they are relying solely on negative consequences it makes it clear to a child what not to do, but that doesnt really help children to learn new or better ways to behave.
so how do you teach new and better ways to behave? especially when, like bundle's DS it only happens in school. Come on Law i'm finger tapping here hoping you may have some answers or good advice to give.
could it be as simple as dyslexia (sp?), so is finding writing and reading hard so avoids it?
Hi Sixer - he only behaves this way in school, thats why i was asking what the school do when he behaves badly.
If all they do is tell him off and tell his parents, thats not very helpful.
The school need to set clear expectations and punishments of how THEY are going to deal with bad behaviour in school and inform mum.
He sounds like a fairly normal strong-willed six-year-old to me. He only wants to do what he's interested in, and will do other stuff for people who he knows have the power to make him do it but not for those who haven't.
What do the school do about his behaviour? Are they offering positive reinforcement rather than just negative consequences?
How is his writing, technically? You say he's not interested in it, but is he also "behind" and maybe conscious of that? Difficulty motivating boys, in particular, to write is a recognised issue in education and one that I would expect the school to have some constructive ideas for helping with.
On the over-enthusiastic play-fighting, does your DH/DP (if you have one... sorry, don't know your circumstances) do rough-and-tumble play fighting with him? Steve Biddulph (yes, him again) reckons that that's the major early way in which small boys learn the limits of what's acceptable.
Another idea is that you could sign him up for a martial art. There's a lot of emphasis (if it's a good class) on discipline and what is appropriate and not getting carried away that might be very helpful. You could maybe ask around the parents of older children in your DD's class to see if there are good classes locally?
Sixer - im just trying to help, no way am i an expert, i have pretty much the same problems as everyone else and im not here to judge anyone [simle]
I have 3 boys and boys seem to like violence, my eldest 2 are always at each other throats. I have sat them both down and we decided what the consequences would be for hitting, swearing etc.
I make sure the consequence is something that is important to them, then losing whatever becomes more important than giving your brother a punch!!
You can request an assessment yourself - you don't need the school's support though it helps.
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