Partner anger DS

(8 Posts)
mamma1234 Sun 26-Apr-20 13:38:14

I'd be really grateful for some help, basically my partner gets really angry every time my 3 year old son does something which annoys him. For example pouring drinks on the floor, emptying the contents of his potty on the floor etc. Now I realise that DS needs to be told not to these things and possibly given some sort of consequence, for example no TV for the rest LG the day if he keeps doing it? But I also know that getting really angry with him is pretty damaging for our son and I want to stop my partner doing it.

I've tried talking to him and explaining how unhappy I am about it but he doesn't listen and seems incapable of not getting angry. His father was (and still is) a very angry man and often used to get very angry with him when he was a child and I'm worried that he might have an inability to control it which stems from this?

I really don't want the same thing happening to my son so what shall I do? Suggest anger management? Psychotherapy?

OP’s posts: |
Imboredinthehouse Sun 26-Apr-20 14:21:32

He won’t change. I’ve seen it, it will just get worse and worse and when DS is a teen and starts sticking up for himself it will escalate & could result in punch ups between them.

If DP refuses to get help for his anger issues you need to leave and protect your son or your son will just learn the same behaviour and will be just like his Dad & DGF.

Put your son first.

mamma1234 Sun 26-Apr-20 14:59:00

Thanks, that's exactly what I'm worried about! I think I need to get him to go to anger management. If he refuses I'll consider leaving so he realises!

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Poppinjay Sun 26-Apr-20 22:26:07

This anger is harmful to your toddler and it will get more harmful as he gets older and it escalates. You need to make it very clear that it stops immediately and completely or you will leave him to protect your DS.

Also, as child who is of the age to be using a potty won't understand that not watching tv is linked to tipping it over. Just keep within arm's reach if him when he's just filled the pot so he can't tip it over.

LeopardsCANTChangeTheirSpots Thu 30-Apr-20 08:10:23

I agree that the displays of anger are unnecessary and don't have a place in child rearing.

But I massively disagree with the "he won't change" opinion.

If your husband's role model for fatherhood is an angry father, then that's going to be his default reaction if he doesn't know how else to react.

You've put that you "...tried talking to him and explaining how unhappy I am about it...", but have you gone through what you would do in the situation?

He would need to unlearn his first instinct to get angry, which takes A LOT of time, before anything new becomes his default reaction.

How is he with your son aside from little annoyances? - does he play with him, etc?

mamma1234 Thu 30-Apr-20 09:01:06

Thanks everyone.

Leopardscantchangetheirspots - I think you're right, he does have to unlearn being angry as the initial reaction and I think it's true that this is the default due to his angry father.

He does play with DS, he is generally really great with him - it's only when DS is misbehaving in his eyes that he gets angry.

I could try and explain what he could do instead? He thinks I'm too soft as I don't get angry, but I've tried to explain to him that it's possible to be firm without getting angry? Perhaps I need to teach him specific techniques like distraction, reinforcing good behaviour etc. Would anyone have ideas as to techniques he could use with DS that would avoid him getting angry when DS is doing something he would prefer him not to be doing, like tipping his potty on the floor, pouring drinks and emptying the soil into the carpet? I'm of the mindset that as he is only 3, distraction and avoidance is best - ie I've put the potty in the bathroom and avoid leaving open drinks where he can reach them?

OP’s posts: |
LeopardsCANTChangeTheirSpots Thu 30-Apr-20 09:49:57

Absolutely, it's alright to feel angry, it's a human emotion. But, if you learned an inappropriate way to deal with it, how should you be expected to know the appropriate ways?

Do you know what it is that triggers the anger in these situations? Is it the having to clean up afterwards? Because that annoys me! - I'm trying to get ours to help with cleaning up, but he's 2.5 so not sure how long it'll last!

We've just started potty training in the last couple of days so plenty of accidents at the moment, we're all "We don't wee on the floor, we wee in the potty" and asking him about what to do. Also, he loves helping to empty the potty and flush the toilet.

Is there anywhere your husband can do messy play with your son? And then make that area, or those toys the designated area for making a mess?

Poppinjay Thu 30-Apr-20 18:20:35

Would anyone have ideas as to techniques he could use with DS that would avoid him getting angry when DS is doing something he would prefer him not to be doing

There are two issues here. The first is about him learning how to communicate and manage behaviour in a developmentally appropriate way. That's a good idea but he needs to want to use them for them to work.

The second is crucial. He may well get and angry. We all get angry sometimes. He needs to act like an adult and keep that to himself. If he makes his anger your toddler's problem, nothing else will ever get better.

Be careful not to make yourself or your toddler responsible for managing his behaviour. He has to behave like an adult before any of the behaviour management strategies you suggest can begin to work.

Not controlling your anger is child abuse.

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