I have created a MONSTER....(34 Posts)
Sorry to hear you are having this trouble it sounds like a battle of wills but much harder when on public display
Kerrymum poor you, - have you tried just removing him immediately from the situation and taking him home and putting him in his room till he calms down?
What in the end happened? Did he go into his music class?
my three have all gone throu temper tantrums of course they have autism so it kinda goes with the territory. it is a phase and i am sure you will get throu it thou it is draining for now. can't offer any advice as only really done autism style
What about that book that everyone raves about - something like, talking to kids so they listen. There was a huge (and very funny) thread on it a while back - will have a look in Parenting section for you.
Is there any local parenting support you can use? Thinking Surestart or similar. It sounds like you could do with an objective outside view of the situation. FWIW he must feel v secure withyou if he acts up at home and not at school IYSWIM.
Hi KM - sorry you are going through this. I've heard that boys can have a surge of testosterone around 4 which leads to tantrums and difficult behaviour - not a solution but it may help you to understand what's going on.
My DS (age 4) has become much more whingey, sulky and tantrumy recently - it really is like having a hormonal teenager. It makes life quite difficult.
All you can do is hold firm with your boundaries. As the experts say, it's all about them trying to gain control of the situation and you just have to remain consistent.
What discipline do you use at home? Time out? rewards etc? Maybe as he is having a bad phase you need to intensify what you are practising at home.
And ignore other peoples reactions too - the grandfather of the other boy has no business judging.
Books might be helpful but if you are stressed with the situation personal support would be better IMO. If it's available. If not, go with the parenting books/websites etc.
This is going to sound silly, but does he run around enough? My DS needs a good run every day or he is just a pent-up ball of frustration.
And it is hard for the younger ones to trail around after the older ones. I feel bad for dd, who is often in that position.
And I sympathise with the 'big for his age' thing. My two are both huge. People have different expectations.
Hi KM. I've been composing your opening post in my head for some time now. MY ds1 is just 5 and is the same as yours it seems. I really don't like him at times. It's a horrible feeling isn't it? Especially when ds2 (3) is a doddle - I just think 'where did I go wrong?'. With us the tantrums are decreasing but he is very physically aggressive towards me and dh (fine at school). I have tried this, it may help you. When he lashes out physically at me I hold him by the wrists (firmly but without hurting him) and sit him down. I tell him calmly that I will not be hit/scratched/spat at whatever by him and that I will hold him until he has calmed down. Then no engagement. I have even done it in public! No shame, me. It does seem to work and when he has clamed down, kisses cuddles etc. I'm hoping to God that it's testosterone and that he'll grow out of it soon. A bit long, sorry.
I do think maybe you could look at changing the way you talk to him? What worked with ds1 maybe just won't with ds2?
My ds does not cope at all with 'No' and with being told what to do. He's utterly strong willed with a huge sense of his own will. So I've learned to say Yes instead of no "Yes, lets do that ds, I'll JUST do this first, then we'll do that" etc etc etc.
I totally pick my battles; for instance, if I can say yes, I do, even if it seems unusual to people. What is a beyblade arena? Could he possibly have had it in the hallway? Would it have really, really been a problem? Did you negotiate as to something else he could have chosen, if it really was impossible?
Of course no child reacts well just to waiting around while their sibling does something.
With telling him what to do, again I think the response can be changed hugely by how you ask and by being aware that being told is a flashpoint.
I really would have a good look at your ways of dealing with him; if he can sustain angelic behaviour at school, then he can do it and will most likely do it for you too, if you work round him a bit.
Also, I believe his brother is very high acheiving, is that right? Any jealousy/frustration there at all do you think?
Yes I think hating the restraint is another thing he would have in common with my ds. They don't react well to being treated as CHILDREN! Being restrained = very much beneath their dignity. I'd not do this with my ds; it's got to be verbal.
I do time out too, and withdrawal of privileges.
But we also do good old-fashioned bribery to reinforce the behaviour we want IYSWIM. So I tell DS1 that if we can have good behaviour (specifically, no whingeing, or arguing) the whole time we are out, he will get 1/2 hours TV, or an extra story, or some treat he likes to eat.
Then it can be used as leverage when you are out, and if I see the hint of a tantrum starting, I will remind him about the reward and it mostly stops.
Before he gets his reward he is reminded how lovely his behaviour was and how nice it is to go out when he's good etc, etc..
Would it help to note down stuff in a diary for a week/few days? What happened when, what the situation was, how you reacted etc. You might find obvious flashpoints you can avoid, and see what worked and what didn't.
IIRC you're doing this on your own which must be tough .
What about giving him more control? So describe sit (Beyblad fun but v noisy, we have to go and collect DS1 and be quiet) and ask for solution (what do YOU think we should do?). He may come up with the compromise solution you wanted on his own <hopeful>
Agree that rewarding good behaviour as well as punishing bad is imp.
Are there clubs/activities run locally you could go to? Judo/other sports/hobbies? Would let him socialise with other kids, work off some energy and give YOU a break.
Disclaimer: my DS is still a baby so I have all this to come. I will be pleading for advoce from you in a few years!
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