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I have created a MONSTER....

(34 Posts)
KerryMum Thu 13-Sep-07 10:41:51

I finally have to admit defeat. I took ds1 to his music lessons yesterdy. We were waiting in the hallway for other lesson to finish. The other girl in the class, her 4 year old brother and their grandfather were waiting with us.

ds2 started throwing a FIT because I wouldn't let him bring his beyblade arena into the hallway. A freakin FIT. The shock on the grandfather's face and the other kids'. I was MORTIFIED. I literally wanted to just drop dead right then and there and I mean it literally.

He'll be 5 next month. He's the SIZE of a 6.5 year old +. The grandfather couldn't believe that he was not even 5 yet. Then he pointed out his just 4 grandson who was quiet as a mouse and shock at ds2's carry-on. I'm sure he's never seen anything like it!

He was screaming and kicking and going beserk no matter what I said to him.

ANY time I say No to him or tell him to do something he doesn't want to do he GROWLS and shouts and screams.

If he doesn't get his own way, he SCREAMS.

Temper tantrums all the time. He is full of anger and rage when around me.

The teacher says he is an ANGEL at school. Preschool teacher said the same.

It's getting to the point I can't even stand being around my own son. sad

onlyjoking Thu 13-Sep-07 10:43:53

Sorry to hear you are having this trouble it sounds like a battle of wills but much harder when on public display

KerryMum Thu 13-Sep-07 10:46:26

OJ - It's like he's a demon. I don't even KNOW him. I don't even like him! It's terrible. It really is bad.

HuwEdwards Thu 13-Sep-07 10:50:56

Kerrymum poor you, - have you tried just removing him immediately from the situation and taking him home and putting him in his room till he calms down?

What in the end happened? Did he go into his music class?

onlyjoking Thu 13-Sep-07 10:52:10

my three have all gone throu temper tantrums of course they have autism so it kinda goes with the territory. it is a phase and i am sure you will get throu it thou it is draining for now. can't offer any advice as only really done autism style wink

KerryMum Thu 13-Sep-07 10:55:43

It wasn't his music class, it was his older brother's. Then we went in (it was the first day of new lessons) and he ran around the place pulling at stuff. He acts like a 2 year old FFS!

ALL THE TIME!

And the scary thing is I keep thinking how nice life would be if it were just ds1 and me. Life was lovely then (there's 4 years between them).

I don't want to regret ever having my son. But he is literally going to put me in the looney bin.

So ds1 went into music lessons and we went outside to have a walk, ds1 HITTING ME the entire time we were walking through the building. Screaming! Because I said, right for that behavior, no Beyblade at all for punishment.

He calmed down eventually on the walk.

But he is like this all the time around me. I'm at the end of my rope.

KerryMum Thu 13-Sep-07 10:56:29

OJ - I wonder DOES he have something wrong with him? But then the teacher's say he's fine....

HuwEdwards Thu 13-Sep-07 10:57:56

What about that book that everyone raves about - something like, talking to kids so they listen. There was a huge (and very funny) thread on it a while back - will have a look in Parenting section for you.

EffiePerine Thu 13-Sep-07 10:59:07

Is there any local parenting support you can use? Thinking Surestart or similar. It sounds like you could do with an objective outside view of the situation. FWIW he must feel v secure withyou if he acts up at home and not at school IYSWIM.

meemar Thu 13-Sep-07 10:59:32

Hi KM - sorry you are going through this. I've heard that boys can have a surge of testosterone around 4 which leads to tantrums and difficult behaviour - not a solution but it may help you to understand what's going on.

My DS (age 4) has become much more whingey, sulky and tantrumy recently - it really is like having a hormonal teenager. It makes life quite difficult.

All you can do is hold firm with your boundaries. As the experts say, it's all about them trying to gain control of the situation and you just have to remain consistent.

What discipline do you use at home? Time out? rewards etc? Maybe as he is having a bad phase you need to intensify what you are practising at home.

And ignore other peoples reactions too - the grandfather of the other boy has no business judging.

Good luck smile

EffiePerine Thu 13-Sep-07 11:00:00

Books might be helpful but if you are stressed with the situation personal support would be better IMO. If it's available. If not, go with the parenting books/websites etc.

HuwEdwards Thu 13-Sep-07 11:01:47

here www.mumsnet.com/Talk/67/316588

KerryMum Thu 13-Sep-07 11:03:18

Discipline at home is sent to his room for time out. He stays there until he has calmed down.

If it's when we're out I take something away from him (no beyblad, no going outside when we get home, no story)

I'd rather rely on books, tbh as there is a lot of small-town nosy-Parker around here....

TellusMater Thu 13-Sep-07 11:06:15

This is going to sound silly, but does he run around enough? My DS needs a good run every day or he is just a pent-up ball of frustration.

And it is hard for the younger ones to trail around after the older ones. I feel bad for dd, who is often in that position.

TellusMater Thu 13-Sep-07 11:07:34

And I sympathise with the 'big for his age' thing. My two are both huge. People have different expectations.

KerryMum Thu 13-Sep-07 11:09:15

He does actually. Runs around all afternoon outside.

A big problem is there are no boys his age on our estate. They are all older (by at least 3-4 years) or younger by 3 years.

So he really doesn't have anyone to play with and he gets frustrated because he wants someone to play with and I do try but I'm on my own and someone has to make the meals, cook, clean, etc.

Once he starts getting out at 1:40 I'll have more time to do all that stuff in the morning before he gets out. So hopefully more time to devote to him.

smugmumofboys Thu 13-Sep-07 11:09:29

Hi KM. I've been composing your opening post in my head for some time now. MY ds1 is just 5 and is the same as yours it seems. I really don't like him at times. It's a horrible feeling isn't it? Especially when ds2 (3) is a doddle - I just think 'where did I go wrong?'. With us the tantrums are decreasing but he is very physically aggressive towards me and dh (fine at school). I have tried this, it may help you. When he lashes out physically at me I hold him by the wrists (firmly but without hurting him) and sit him down. I tell him calmly that I will not be hit/scratched/spat at whatever by him and that I will hold him until he has calmed down. Then no engagement. I have even done it in public! No shame, me. It does seem to work and when he has clamed down, kisses cuddles etc. I'm hoping to God that it's testosterone and that he'll grow out of it soon. A bit long, sorry.

HonoriaGlossop Thu 13-Sep-07 11:10:49

I do think maybe you could look at changing the way you talk to him? What worked with ds1 maybe just won't with ds2?

My ds does not cope at all with 'No' and with being told what to do. He's utterly strong willed with a huge sense of his own will. So I've learned to say Yes instead of no "Yes, lets do that ds, I'll JUST do this first, then we'll do that" etc etc etc.

I totally pick my battles; for instance, if I can say yes, I do, even if it seems unusual to people. What is a beyblade arena? Could he possibly have had it in the hallway? Would it have really, really been a problem? Did you negotiate as to something else he could have chosen, if it really was impossible?

Of course no child reacts well just to waiting around while their sibling does something.

With telling him what to do, again I think the response can be changed hugely by how you ask and by being aware that being told is a flashpoint.

I really would have a good look at your ways of dealing with him; if he can sustain angelic behaviour at school, then he can do it and will most likely do it for you too, if you work round him a bit.

Also, I believe his brother is very high acheiving, is that right? Any jealousy/frustration there at all do you think?

KerryMum Thu 13-Sep-07 11:11:49

Thanks smob! I'm sad but also comforted that I'm not alone in this.

I've tried the restraint and calm talk. He just growls and screams at me more like a freakin animal! sad

HonoriaGlossop Thu 13-Sep-07 11:13:23

Yes I think hating the restraint is another thing he would have in common with my ds. They don't react well to being treated as CHILDREN! Being restrained = very much beneath their dignity. I'd not do this with my ds; it's got to be verbal.

KerryMum Thu 13-Sep-07 11:14:57

Yes Honoria - I'm SURE it's all my fault. I know it is.... sad

I just don't know how to correct it. What happens is I end up losing the plot and yelling at HIM!

And I know it's wrong to do that. sad

A Beyblade arena is a plastic bucket where you put these tops in (beyblades). It is noisy. I told him on the way in that we would get ds1 setup in his class and then we would go to the car and get the Beyblade and we'd play together outside. It was the mere fact that he couldn't do it when and where he wanted.

meemar Thu 13-Sep-07 11:15:46

I do time out too, and withdrawal of privileges.

But we also do good old-fashioned bribery to reinforce the behaviour we want IYSWIM. So I tell DS1 that if we can have good behaviour (specifically, no whingeing, or arguing) the whole time we are out, he will get 1/2 hours TV, or an extra story, or some treat he likes to eat.

Then it can be used as leverage when you are out, and if I see the hint of a tantrum starting, I will remind him about the reward and it mostly stops.

Before he gets his reward he is reminded how lovely his behaviour was and how nice it is to go out when he's good etc, etc..

EffiePerine Thu 13-Sep-07 11:16:00

Would it help to note down stuff in a diary for a week/few days? What happened when, what the situation was, how you reacted etc. You might find obvious flashpoints you can avoid, and see what worked and what didn't.

IIRC you're doing this on your own which must be tough .

EffiePerine Thu 13-Sep-07 11:18:12

What about giving him more control? So describe sit (Beyblad fun but v noisy, we have to go and collect DS1 and be quiet) and ask for solution (what do YOU think we should do?). He may come up with the compromise solution you wanted on his own <hopeful>

EffiePerine Thu 13-Sep-07 11:20:20

Agree that rewarding good behaviour as well as punishing bad is imp.

Are there clubs/activities run locally you could go to? Judo/other sports/hobbies? Would let him socialise with other kids, work off some energy and give YOU a break.

Disclaimer: my DS is still a baby so I have all this to come. I will be pleading for advoce from you in a few years!

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