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Possesive and doesn't know when to stop(2 Posts)
I have a girl turning 5 this week. She has a lovely personality when we are on our own. If we are walking together or at home 9/10 she's loving and full of chat.
She does ok at school. She seems to have friends. Although I do worry that she may be doing abit at school of what she does with me.
For the last 18 months as soon as you throw another child into the mix she becomes selfish, possesive and bossy. She won't relax and she forgets all the things we talk about before they arrive. She is absolutely useless at letting me talk to or help her friends or cousins. If I do anything from tie a kids shoes to offer them a snack she's telling at them. You can't have that. Go home. I'm not your friend.
Ive stopped meeting up with one person because my DD decided she didn't like her toddler. It was horrible. She was saying she wanted to hit her or push her. She was completely angry if I picked this child up.
Then her cousin came to stay on Saturday and she was fine for abit. Then when it was bedtime she turned into a wind up. She was tired. But she wouldn't go to sleep due to excitement. She had never had someone over. I got a spare sheet out for the child to use and my child started shouting you can't have that. Get off it. I was so frustrated as my niece was looking uncomfortable at this point. Then the next day when the shopping arrived my niece went to out the shopping away with my oh. My DD told her off and told her to get away from it and stop helping.
Today we met her best friend from school. He started saying he was hungry. His mum hadn't brought a snack we was going to the park for an hour. I went in my bag as I usually carry bits for my kids. I gave him a cereal bar. It was one my DD didn't eat anyway so it would of been my youngest they would of ate it. She started saying he couldn't have her snacks and screaming at him. Then telling him it was fruit not chocolate and raisons and winding him up. My friend said to her your poor mummy. Then abit later on she stole his stick. Made him cry. Then she reverted to laughing and running with it. Eventually she threw it over a fence. my friend climbed over to get it back. Which made me feel really bad.
I've tried all-sorts of things to nip this in the bud. I've told her before we go out if she's good she will get a sticker or pennies.
I've tried telling her about feelings and why it's important to be kind to people and make them feel welcome.
Ive put her in her room to think after a bad situation.
I've told her we will have to stop meeting friends and she promises she won't do it anymore.
I've done my best best as a parent to address this. I think she gets possesive and anxious around me.
Also she talks fine at school. She talks to her friends and other kids. She talks to her teachers. She speaks to my best mate. But for two years now she's not spoken to any of her grandparents or aunties. Sometimes after two hours she starts to talk. But other times we leave with no conversation. She appears anxious in these situations. But she ends up getting herself into trouble. Refusing to speak and say please etc. But she will answer me Infront of them. So if my mum says what drink do you want. She looks at me and answers.. I've also exhausted all things with this. My parents don't react the best to her either with doesn't help.
The trouble is she's 5 now and she's really tall. I know this is irrelevant to me and the situation. But other people expect better from her now. She is coming off as being rude and bratty.
I feel it's all linked to anxiety and feeling under threat. I just can't work out why. I've always been intune with her. I hug her. We have stories before bed together. I have always taken her for walks and parks days. I invest in her the best I can. Yet o can't get her to relax and enjoy company without getting silly.
It's her birthday tomorrow and I have choosen not to do her a little family tea party. She would like one but I know full well she won't answer her family and I end up with the comments and suggestions about how to deal with it. My parents especially can't get their heads around it. My partner's sister said she doesn't show emotions. She definitely does and they only see her twice a year. My sister in law has a kid the same age and she's a performing chatter box full of laughter and confident. So I think they expect better from my DD too.
Please please please be nice. What do people think?
Everyone always think they know best and they always compare children, especially ones not their own. You cant win in this regard. My answer to those people has always been that every child is different.
You said it started 18 months ago so about 3 1/2 years old? Is it possible something happened to cause this. It took me 2 years to discover the reason my d was terrified of her grandads living room was because of a loud screech from his bird work her up once and it was totally by accident I learned because it's such a rare occurrence!
I'm a big fan of the firm and calm parent voice along with repetition. It's not a quick road though, I wish I knew something quicker! Firm simple statements and out lasting your d's tantrum, even if you dont feel it you have to project calm authority. It's not easy I know, sorry.
You cant force her to talk obviously, but when she responds to you instead of who she should, tell her something along the lines of I didnt ask you anything darling, your grandma did, answer to your grandma or she will think you dont want juice and not give you any. Hopefully, repetition will work there too.
None of this stops the embarrassment, but I've found if a parent looks like they are handling the situation then the embarrassment eases somewhat. Practice your non snotty 'I know what works voice' for other adults when they try to advice you. Calm authority works wonders in all situations. I hope this helps and I dont just sound like i think i a know it all.