What is an Ideal Healthy Balance of Contact between Parents? - (9 yo)

[mummytippy]

I've been seeing a guy for about 3 months. He has a 9 yo ds and I have a 13 yo ds. My ds goes to his father EOW, My BFs ds does not have a set pattern of contact and he decides where he wants to stay from one day to the next. So therefore he's had him the last 2 weekends and isn't sure of this next one. My BF has said there were bonding difficulties between his ds and his mother as he was born prematurely as she contracted flu and was put in an induced coma. Sounded dreadful for all involved. Basically if his ds isn't with his father (my BF), he is with his mother's mum (Maternal GM). The dc clearly loves his mother but is hardly there. The GM takes him to and from school (unless he's at my BFs), washes and irons his uniform etc too. I'm worried about the affect of this on the dc. I also feel the more my BF does, the more the mother is 'stepping back'. The mother lives about 12 miles away (35 mins drive) from my BF and the GM same, being about 2 mins from the mothers house. I'm worried the dc has no routine apart from school and a club he attends on a Monday which my BF takes him to.
On Sunday me, my ds my BF and his ds went for lunch, a walk and then back to mine for dessert... and then at about 7pm when I expected he'd be taking his ds home (as a school night), he wasn't as his ds had decided to stay with his dad overnight. On my BFs part, he also presumed it would be okay to stay at my house (his ds has to sleep on the sofa) but I made it clear I did not think this was fair on his ds... especially on a school night. I said he needed to be in his own bed (at my BFs house in his bedroom there). I feel like I'm speaking out of turn to my BF and I've said this to him. He's said he appreciates my input as doesn't know what to do. The mother doesn't seem to care where her child is. I've suggested he speak to the GM and try to sort a more rigid routine going forwards... as only to a point do I think a child should say when and where they stay... and not what they feel like on the day... it's like 'musical beds'... and with school etc I don't think the dc appreciates the importance of this. Any advice most appreciated as this arrangement or 'non arrangement' as it's so day-by-day it's impacting on me and my ds too. Thanks in advance.

[ReallyLilyReally]

I can see how irritating this must be, but really i don't think you can say anything, it's up to your BF how he raises his child and it's his call to decide whether or not this works for them and change it when it doesnt. Of course, you're also allowed to find the lack of routine to be a dealbreaker for yourself, but as you're not married or cohabiting, and as your BF hasn't asked for your input, I'd keep your opinion to yourself.

[mummytippy]

Thanks for your comment Lily.

You’re right it is up to him and it’s only on Sunday where I felt he should have maybe told me earlier in the day his ds was staying with him, and he was assuming it’d Be okay for the both to stay at mine I said something. When I did I made it clear I felt awkward.

[mummytippy]

Does anyone have any thoughts on his ds sleeping on my sofa on any nights other than school nights?

[Rugbymumof2]

Could you get a blow up camp bed or similar that's easy to store for any time he does stay, it might make him feel a little more "wanted" (can't think of a better word) than being on the sofa, as it can't be the most comfortable place at 9.

Yes it's his decision on how to bring up his DS but if at your house then it's your rules as to if its appropriate to stay and when.
It's as disruptive to your DS if last minute and on a school night.
And 35min isn't far away to travel home at the end of the evening.

[notthisshitagain]

Any advice most appreciated as this arrangement or 'non arrangement' as it's so day-by-day it's impacting on me and my ds too. Thanks in advance.

Same as the advice you were given before: his contact with this son is none of your business and certainly not after dating for three months. Your kids shouldn't even have met each other or either of you. You two being selfish is what's impacting on the kids, nothing else.

[mummytippy]

I’ve just found out that the child’s mother is addicted to pain killers and last weekend when she had contact she spent the majority of it ‘spaced out’. My bf said this isn’t the first time as on previous occasions when he’s returned his ds, he’s not been able to get her to answer the door. He’s had a serious chat with the Maternal GM and had arranged to work contact between him and her but then discovered his ds spent another night with his mother. It’s really worrying as the ds is 9 and knows it’s the tablets that make his mum sleepy and he’s worrying about her. Children’s services have been involved in the past too. My bf has a telephone appt with the child’s Dr this week (who is also the mothers GP). Hoping to plan a constructive way forward. Until this has happened I have slowed the relationship with my bf right down as I’ve told him this matter needs his full attention and he needs to spend as much one to one time with his ds without me and my ds in the mix. Having a child myself, I cannot afford for this situation to impact on him and also not wanting to seem selfish, I’m worried my bf’s ds may get attached to me while currently I don’t know what’s going to happen with my relationship with my bf long term as we’ve Only been dating 4 months. In 2013 my ex took me to family court which took 2 years to sort out leaving both me and my ds emotionally and physically drained so sadly I can’t fight someone else’s fight.