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Mother in law

(13 Posts)
Mum2018G Mon 20-Jan-20 20:53:56

Hey people.
After some advice please. I’d like to start by saying my MIL has my little boy whilst I work one day a week. She’s great and helps us by having him which I really appreciate. She couldn’t wait for a grandchild and I feel that no matter what I do or how much she sees him, it’s never enough.

Since he was born, she has always been quite overbearing (staying for hours on end or commenting on things, also calls him HER BABY) She often uses situations to her advantage putting her needs to see him first. She is overly excitable around him (majorly!) and we are trying to create a call (but fun) upbringing. She used to sing and bang on the table when he’s eating as an example which made him do the same, when mentioning this in the past she’s made sarcastic and quite hurtful comments to me (which I haven’t appreciated). It’s all become a bit much and despite speaking to her nicely about how I feel some things have not changed.

The reason I’m asking for advice is because my little boy is usually fine when people leave the house (including me and my husband) or when we go home from friends/relatives. BUT over the past few weeks if we leave my in laws or they leave mine (or even when my MIL puts the phone down after speaking to my son) he was a melt down. Or he follows her to the toilet and bangs on the door crying nanny!!!! He throws himself on the floor and cries. This isn’t a ‘phase’ as he doesn’t do this with anyone else. My gut tells me that where she is so over the top and excitable this is having an effect on him. I don’t know what to do? Say something or not? I don’t want to upset or cause any hard feelings but I’m not prepared for other behaviour to have this impact. Any advice is appreciated.

OP’s posts: |
JiltedJohnsJulie Tue 21-Jan-20 08:47:07

I would make alternative arrangements for my childcare on that day.

ReallyLilyReally Tue 21-Jan-20 14:55:49

I think you should get some distance between your DS and your MIL. But you should get your partner to speak to their mother about it rather than approaching the issue yourself, especially if she's been hurtful to you in the past.

Yazeee Tue 21-Jan-20 17:36:13

He is not HER BABY!! I would deffinitely avoid her for a while if she's not understanding or changing things you have asked her to. If your son behaves like that it'll be because she is spoiling him and doing everything he asks and when you tell him off he knows nanny will not! Honestly that is a toxic relationship in my opinion.

Andsbk Tue 21-Jan-20 22:04:29

My mum she was exactly the same and I tried to talk to her let her know that my daughter she's "suffering" for her ( big tantrums, crying for hours etc) she told me : Let her cry! She needs to know she have a grandmother..... 🙄
I said OK
And since that time my kids are seeing her 2-3 times a year... Guess what!? Is much better for us like that. 🙄 💝
Good luck

Andsbk Tue 21-Jan-20 22:07:08

BTW my daughter she was 3 around that time and when my mom she was around she was never listened to me... She was always answering back to me and drive me crazy
Now I don't have my mum around and my kids act like angels 🙈❤️🍀

Jannt86 Tue 21-Jan-20 22:54:09

I can appreciate that you feel a bit suffocated but to add a slightly different perspective I think you also need to consider that she's just invested in your child and loves him and that can only be a good thing. We live nearly an hour's drive away from my family and DH's family live up the road from us but things are a tad sour with us due to goings on that I won't discuss on here and tbh they've always only really had eyes for his sister and her kids. As such neither has been forthcoming with offers of childcare and in the year we've had my daughter we've had one night away after pretty much begging my family and we are rarely even visitted by anyone. It's a buggar practically. I'm starting work soon and already terrified that we don't really have anyone we can count on in emergencies etc. However it's mostly just heartbreaking to feel so emotionally abandoned and to think that my kid might well hardly know her grandparents and yet her cousins absolutely dote on them and get literally everything... Say what you need to and set boundaries for sure but don't bite the hand that feeds is my only advice. A child can NEVER have too much love xx

Mum2018G Wed 22-Jan-20 13:46:31

@Jannt86 I agree that a child can never have too much love and I am sorry that your situation leaves you with little childcare. BUT, it still doesn’t take away the fact that my child behaviour is being negatively impacted. I agree with having fun and being silly sometimes that’s what grandparents are for, but if you could see the behaviour it’s worse than Mr Tumbles!! It’s extremely excitable and the way it’s influencing my little boy isn’t how I want him to be. So it comes down to whether I say nothing and let this continue for a quiet life, or say something and risk upsetting my MIL and losing the help that I really do appreciate. As I said in my OP I really am grateful for the support we have and I get on well with her aside from the way she is around my little boy. sad

OP’s posts: |
Guardsman18 Wed 22-Jan-20 14:00:51

I don't normally post on this subject but I feel for you, really.

My son was a first grandchild, my parents were absolutely besotted with him. I feel they made him into something that wouldn't have happened had they not made him so excitable all the time.

Every bath (no need for him to have a bath at 2pm!), every meal time was a massive event and I don't think it did him any favours at all. They would bang things to make noises and bum shuffle behind him with hoots of laughter and excitement. Take photographs of every little thing he did. Huge fuss.

Is there any way he could go to somewhere else? My father is dead and my mum is elderly so I really don't want to bring it up now. I just wish I'd had the confidence to intervene when he was younger. I think they made him more hyperactive than was necessary if that makes sense.

I feel awful writing this as I know that it came from a good place but I really, really wish I had said something at the time.

On the plus side - he is a lovely young man now but certainly had his moments when he was younger.

Jannt86 Wed 22-Jan-20 14:40:38

I'm sorry. I really can understand the frustration. I myself have had to reign my own dad when he's force feeding my child Tango and cake grin However I'm pretty shocked at the number of people saying 'make alternative arrangements' as if to say just dump the MIL. This is a grandparent who's probably formed quite a strong and reciprocal attachment with this child and who is willingly giving up a good chunk of their week to help you parent your child. And some of the complaints being made by you and other posters sound justified but others honestly just sound to me like normal, healthy play with a baby. Grandparents are usually the first people children will go to to feel safe if their own parents can't provide that and can often provide an invaluable source of attachment and guidance. You obviously don't want this to be at the expense of your own bond with your child but as the saying goes it 'takes a village'. Address the issues as you feel fit but I stand by my original advice. Tread carefully. Think how you'd feel if you'd given up so much of your spare time to care for a baby and then suddenly got told you're no longer allowed to look after them. If it must come to that then please try and be sensitive aboit it or you risk severing the relationship. Good luck whatever you decide xx

Mum2018G Wed 22-Jan-20 14:45:46

@jannt86 thank you.
The last thing I want is to restrict the relationship as he loves his Nan as do I and my husband. They have a great relationship. I think it’s just the behavioural side and the lack of boundaries that need t be addressed. We will express our feelings and see the reaction. It’s a tough one I know. X

OP’s posts: |
Jannt86 Wed 22-Jan-20 14:51:17

Yes it must be really tough and I really don't mean to sound insensitive about the situation I just felt I needed to centralise the debate a bit with so many people just telling you to just get rid of her basically. I'm sure you'll find a way of sorting something out. Xx

Guardsman18 Wed 22-Jan-20 14:51:20

Fair comment Jan. In hindsight I should have just mentioned it.

You are quite right. Grandparents are important.

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