DD's 4 yo playdate made her drink her wee - not entirely sure how to deal with this

[arfishy]

DD had a playdate today, both girls 4 years, nanny supervising.

I got home from work this afternoon and as soon as I walked in DD said that her playdate had made her drink her wee in the bath.

First of all I thought it was that her playdate had wee-ed in the bath and then made her drink bathwater with wee in it and it was maybe a giggly thing. After a bit of questioning however it turned out that this other girl had wee-ed in a cup and then made DD drink it. She then poured it over her.

I'm so horrified I don't even know where to begin. The other little girl immediately started to cry when asked if she'd done it and came to DD to apologise (when told).

So, I just don't know what to do really. I've had a little chat with DD about saying no when people ask/tell you to do something you don't want to. I have no idea how to approach the other mother and I'm just well, horrified that my DD has been made to do this/did it when told/is upset.



Please tell me what to do (the other mother is a bit scary, and we've only just resumed playdates after a break because this other girl made DD wee on the floor last time and also wee-ed in all of her parents/siblings beds so I thought it would be best to keep them apart for a while).

[LoveMyGirls]

I think best to keep them apart full stop. That is shocking behaviour. What has the mother said about it?

[PrincessGoodLife]

oh dear

first question would be - was the nanny not supervising the bath?

[Nemo2007]

Why were they not supervised in the bath?
Is it normal for them to be bather together on a playdate??

I would personally speak to the mother or completely stop the playing. Your DD obviosuly isnt being looked after while there.

[Pennies]

Was it at your house or hers? Not ure how relevant that is really but i suppose it goes down to what the nanny was doing regardless of where it happened?

Did the other weeing incidents take place at her house or yours? What did the other mum say about those?

I think that regardless of the scariness of the mum you should say something. Sounds like she's not likelt to be a mate of yours so nothing lost really, but appreciate how tackling something with someone like that can be a bit daunting.

Unpleasant incident.

[arfishy]

It was at our house. My nanny was horrified and said it must have happened when she went out to get pyjamas because as soon as she got back into the bathroom DD asked to get out and before she'd been having loads of fun.

[Pennies]

I suppose that if you really can't face talking to her mum then you just simply cut all contact completely and stick to it. Will your DD be OK with that?

[arfishy]

Other wee-ing incidents at both houses. It seems to be a common theme with this little girl (who is otherwise ok, although very destructive last time she came).

I just don't know how to broach this with the other mother really. I don't want to appear judgy or holier-than-thou but I think she needs to know. I know I'd be devastated if somebody said my DD had done this to somebody though, although perhaps it could be written off as children's experimentation? It does seem a bit bullyish to me though, DD was really upset.

I don't know what to do

[Carmenere]

OMG arfy, You poor love that is an awful thing to happen. Sorry I have NO idea what I would do in your position except that I wouldn't let your dd play with that child again.

[arfishy]

Well yes, I don't want to talk to her about it but I feel I should. I think although it's unpleasant she should know and deal with her DD's wee thing.

She'll think I'm an interfering do-good busybody and have a go though (she's a high-powered tv producer who corners you and steam-rollers all over you)

[expatinscotland]

How shocking.

I can't say my child would be having any more playdates with this child.

She sounds like she made need help.

[Carmenere]

Er Arfy, if she has a go, you will probably silence her with the immortal words -YOUR CHILD MADE MY CHILD DRINK HER URINE. No mother could get on her high-horse when faced with that.

[Pennies]

I agree with you that the mum should know, if only so she'll stop her doing it again. In that case I suppose all you can do is try to preempt any potential steamrollering and just state your piece in the nicest way poss. Tough.

[mummydoit]

I wonder why this child is so wee-obsessed? Could it be that she's learnt that weeing gets a reaction? One of my nieces went through a phase of deliberately weeing on the carpets. It was definitely attention-seeking in that case. Whatever the reason for the wee-obsession, I am more concerned that your dd says the other child made her do things. You need to knock that one on the head right away! Sounds like your daughter knows full well she should not be doing these things but is going along with it anyway. If your daughter is not able to stand up to the other child and refuse to do as she asks, then you need to provide 100% supervision or not allow them to play together.

[Furball]

sounds very odd.

Not being funny - but how far away were the PJ's that the nanny was getting? As for a 4 YO to wait until she had gone, then to think up getting a cup, doing a wee and getting your dd to drink it and it to be all over and done with by the time the nanny got back is all a bit strange.

[Furball]

not saying it didn't happen by the way, just the nanny must have been gone for longer

[Nemo2007]

Agree about the nanny and why is she leaving 2 children unsupervised in a bath?? I am sure like any parent/carer here you get the pjs and towels ready before they get in the bath so you are there ready?

[mummydoit]

I could be setting myself up for a flaming here but I don't see a big problem with the nanny being out of the room for a few minutes. I leave my DSs (3 and 4) in the bath while I tidy their room or do a couple of jobs upstairs. The bathroom door is open, I am in earshot and they play loudly. If I couldn't hear them playing, I would be back in there in two seconds (our house is not big!). Obviously, if she was out of earshot or downstairs or away for 20 minutes, that's different.

[amidaiwish]

i know this isn't the point but if my DD was at someone elses house and having a bath, and the nanny left them unsupervised i would be furious - and the girl's mum is likely to focus on this! (although i of course pop out to get things all the time when my DDs are in the bath, but it isn't best practice!)

maybe you should just knock play dates on the head full stop and not bother saying anything

[Marne]

How awfal for your dd

Don't be too hard on the nanny, i often leeve dd (almost 4) while i go and get pj's, its only in the next room so i can hear her but it only takes a few seconds for something to happen.

I think the girls parents have to talk to the girl and let her know that this is a horrid thing that she has done.

I think saying not to let her near your dd again is a bit harsh (after all they are only 4 years old) but maybe stay away from her until she and the mother have apoligised. When they do play again make sure you are supervising.

[arfishy]

Carmenere - thank you, you made me . That's a very good point.

Of course, it's a given that we won't be seeing this little girl again. It's a shame though as she was DD's first friend when we arrived in Sydney.

Mummydoit - you are right. DD should be able to say no. I can't understand why she's so capable of saying no to me, and yet not to a 4 year old. We've had a long chat about saying NO if you don't want to do something that somebody asks you to do (this may backfire on me )

Re the nanny - I'm happy if she's not supervising two 4 year olds every second. Our house is on one floor and it does take a certain amount of time to get from the bathroom to DD's bedroom (not that it's a mansion or anything )

[Guadalupe]

I don't think it's strange that she could say no to you and not to a friend, stronger 'characters' have lots of ways to get peers to do what they want. 'I won't be your friend' 'You can't come to my house' 'I'll tell your mum you did this' etc etc.

It is a horrible thing to not be able to say no to though, and definitely a friend to cross out of the address book, for now at least. You must tell her mother straight. She did this, she admitted doing it, and it has really upset your dd and you.

[Anchovy]

I think the nanny thing is a red herring - and I'm quite surprised at people who raise it. Do people really spend every minute that a 4 year old is in the bath watching them - particularly 2 4 year olds? My DCs are nearly 4 and nearly 6 and certainly don't need supervising in the bath every nano second they are in there - and I know our nanny doesn't think so either. What I think is interesting is that the child waited until the nanny wasn't there - ie knew that it was wrong. (I tend to potter around when my 2 are in the bath and only go in to intervene in games of "who can pull DS's willy the furthest" etc).

I think you have to craft an opening line, practice it and then make yourself raise it. I think it is along the lines of "I have been thinking about this and I think I should tell you as I would like to know if it was the other way round". TBH, however scary she is I think she will be mortified. She may query how reliable a reporter your DD is and I think you just have to stick to your guns re what your DD said and that she was distressed. I think the pouring the wee over her is quite unpleasant as well, although to be fair my DCs don't think that wee in itself is the big deal that we as adults do and would not see that as a hostile act.

I think you also need to assure the other mother of discretion, because however good a story it is, if I were in her shoes, I would be really concerned that it did the rounds of the classroom etc and "demonised" the child.

I'd deffo keep the children apart, but TBH I wouldn't make a deal of it with your DD.

[meowmix]

I do think you need to explain why no more playdates and I think Anchovy has the right approach.

Poor DD. how horrible.

[Mumpbump]

I think the fact that the other girl started to cry and then said sorry suggests she knew it wasn't a nice thing to do. I wouldn't want a child of mine to play with someone who was deliberately making them do nasty things - I agree with Genidef on stronger characters. This sounds like bullying to me.

Also I would definitely say something to the mother. Your daughter needs to see that you are sticking up for her and the mother should know about this. If you are going to keep the girls separate anyway, what have you got to lose?

[arfishy]

OK. My nanny spoke to the mum (the relationship with the little girl is more between my nanny and the mum as she used to nanny her, I've never known the mum socially or organised anything myself).

I said to my nanny that I'd deal with it but she said she felt that as she is in charge it was her responsibility (she's really a great nanny and a very responsible/sensible person).

So, she spoke to the dad who was horrified, and then afterwards called the mum who just said 'I'm sure worse things have happened - bye'.



I'm furious. At the very least I'd expect the courtesy of a call to apologise. There's no need for me to call her now as it would just be re-iterating what had happened and she clearly doesn't care anyway .

DP got home and the first thing that DD said was 'playdate made me drink her wee', so she's dwelling on it. DP wants to call the mum (and this is a first, normally he doesn't get involved) but I don't see the point tbh.