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8 month old constantly frustrated and upset. Unhelpful, selfish partner.

(5 Posts)
alexia84 Sat 16-Nov-19 12:33:31

Hi I have an 8 month old son who is a very healthy, happy, bright boy. He's developmentally ahead of himself as health visitor noted (fine motor skills/dexterity) and highly alert/interested in everything.

My partner leaves me on my own a lot so he can go out for the day to do a hobby by himself or other times with a pal and my son can't join in with it at the moment as he's too young and it's not practical...(fishing). Partner doesn't work either as he's recovering from alcoholism however that's a long story probably for another thread. I do 99 percent of the work round home (cooking, cleaning, washing, feeding and cleaning out animals, any paperwork we have to respond to etc). So maybe I'm feeling a bit bitter today because we have to pack for a two week trip away in 2 days and he left me to get all the shopping for the trip, (and do all the organising today). Yesterday I had to tramp up the hill with a pram and a tonne of heavy stuff for trip to meet him after a recovery meeting he was at then today he leaves to go out fishing and just says he'll help pack tonight? History dictates he'll be knackered and probably moody and won't help at all.

Partner will sometimes let me have a bit of a lie in now and again then expect me to help him get his fishing stuff organised/make a flask or a packup right away almost as a reward for him looking after OUR son. He'll often make cruel "jokes" where he says I spend most of my time in bed and do nothing which is imo just total projection but if course I can't be offended because it's one of his "jokes".
When he decides to go out all day like today I'm left with little man who every time I leave the room cries, shrieks, makes a constant whining sound and just won't settle unless he's really tired and has to physically be put down for a nap which he will scream his head off about then finally give in and fall asleep. I'm quite isolated here and although I know a lot of people I have few close friends and nobody to help. I've considered day care/ nursery put partner adamantly refuses. That may have to change...

Our son is also profoundly deaf in one ear so I'm wondering if some of this is anxiety to do with his perceptions adapting or feeling insecure. I try my best to keep everything low stimulus i.e the tv, but if my partner is watching him he has the TV on a million decibels so even I can't think and will be talking on his phone at the same time and he wonders why our little one is getting upset? He won't listen when I tell him though and just says "well I can't hear the TV if it isn't loud" which I told him is selfish but to no avail.

Little man can't crawl yet but can stand with a little help. I'm guessing frustration? He has ample toys, trips out into town, sees people most days, has a baby bouncer, I take him to clubs for his age group when I can, cuddle him lots etc but he will often just not sit still and will end up stranded on his front screaming and hit out when you try to adjust him. It's just hard trying to get housework done AND keep my eye on my son when my partner prioritises himself and doesn't see it. He thinks fishing is a useful tool for recovery (which it is) but that doesn't mean it comes above our needs and priorities as a family. In fact he is so obsessed with fishing all his conversation has now become focused on it and he will not even start looking for a job or employment despite the fact he is a skilled joiner and builder so we rely on my income only which is PIP and ESA as I have some health problems (bipolar/epilepsy).

I was looking for advice on how I can better manage this? Where do I start? How do I properly address my unhappiness because talking to my partner is just not effective and even other agencies haven't properly got through to him how selfish he can be.

If my partner was here with us he now he would be great with playing with my son but not great at practical stuff and now he has started hardly helping with bath and bedtime apart from making a bottle if I ask him. So I even think to myself he doesn't even add much help when he's actually here.

My son is a great eater, very big for his age, (98th percentile weight and well off the chart for height) and eats 3 healthy meals a day plus bottles so it isn't hunger. He is teething and has 4 teeth but managed with Calpol/baby Nurofen/teething powders.
Any ideas of how to go about improving the situation? I realise there is a lot more I could have mentioned about my partner and our relationship/his role as a father but it really is a long and quite distressing story so will save for another thread. Tbh at the moment feel quite depressed and lonely and stressed. Partner doesn't have ability to understand my emotions and just says I'm being ridiculous so I'm on my own with it unless I have a chat to my mum or Grandma on the phone etc (we live a long way away from family). Thanks 😊

OP’s posts: |
OnlyAGirlsHorse Sat 16-Nov-19 19:24:56

Your post shrieks 1 major improvement that could be made:

Get rid of your useless, selfish Disney Dad arse of a "partner". He's actively sabotaging your life.

Count up the time, energy and wasted words on him in your average day. Then imagine what else you could spend that energy and time on instead - you could be doing something for yourself or helping your little boy. Your "partner" is sucking that from you like a vampire. He sounds awful, not fit to call himself a dad. A real dad isn't just there for the easy bits. He's there mopping up vomit after an upset belly, or cleaning the dishes from batch cooking,etc.

If you need practical help, emotional support etc then look at the many places available - citizens advice for financial and legal rights help, Shelter for housing support, Women's Aid if you need help forming a plan to get away.

alexia84 Sun 17-Nov-19 23:04:34

Hi thanks for your reply. You are right, I often feel he sucks the life blood out of me with his demands, avoids responsibility like the plaugue and makes excuses to get out of doing much so he can watch his favourite TV programmes, do his favourite hobbies all day every day, not cook/clean or do practical work (even DIY gets done in bits and either never finished or finished after a colossal wait). Surprise surprise he was out again all day digging up bushes which he then complained was so hard because it was raining and I said well you didn't have to do it?? He'd rather be out in the rain digging up shrubs that he didn't even get paid for than just helping me with our little boy and packing. I am beginning to feel very trapped and uncomfortable a lot of the time around him. I'm going to make another thread to explain a bit more I think.

Also, I've worked/am working with social services and women's aid who I've formulated a "safety plan" with if he was to be violent or drunk. Neither of which he's been lately but he has a long history of serious DV to multiple partners and criminality/drug use and alcoholism. He's currently completely off drugs and drink and has been for around 5 months but continues to be selfish, controlling etc in more ways than I have the energy to explain..I just feel so unhappy. I was dreaming earlier about just having my OWN space with my son, doing OUR thing, making my own plans to maybe go to Amsterdam for a weekend break on my own and have my mum babysit or meet friends in London but he just puts blockades up because I can't do that and support him when he demands so much of my time, attention, and emotional energy. I'm so sad because I've put so much into this relationship to "fix" him and he has improved but I still feel totally weighed down and under his thumb. The constant ringing/texting, the nasty looks or comments if I have a drink (or two, literally), the feeling of being totally emotionally abandoned by someone I have loved far too much for very warped reasons.

OP’s posts: |
OnlyAGirlsHorse Mon 18-Nov-19 12:32:31

It's time you put yourself and your little one first. Ask yourself, would you want your DC shacking up with someone so.. draining.. as their wife/husband/etc in future? Nope, you'd be heartbroken they're pouring themselves into a bottomless pit.

Your DC deserves better for a father.

AladdinMum Tue 19-Nov-19 10:14:15

Wow, I am shocked by your partners behavior - you suggested daycare but your partner refuses and yet does not want to help with childcare/housework? shocking. With respect, clearly your partner was not ready to have children. I agree with previous posters, your DC deserves a better and real father.

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