My boys keep fighting & hurting each other

[Pinkchampagne]

It seems to be happening loads, and I'm not sure how best to deal with it.

Today DS1 scratched DS2 on his neck & left a mark, so I had harsh words & sent him for time out in his room. I had done the same to DS2 when he hurt DS1 earlier, but it is constant, and nothing seems to work.

Does anyone else have similar problems with their children, and if so how do you deal with it?

My two are driving me to despair!

[SixKindsofCrisis]

My two boys are the same. Some mums I know bnan fighting altogether, but I prefer to allow it and constantly remind them (esp the older one) about necessary limits.

Top tip: if/when they are old enough, sign them up for a martial arts class -- taekwondo, judo, whatever. Thet'll learn disciplined and controlled agression.

Boys love to fight, and I wouldn't want to go against their nature.

[SixKindsofCrisis]

Oh, I should have asked if it was playfighting or real argument. Which is it?

[MellowMa]

Message withdrawn

[littlerach]

My daughters do this. They are 3 and 6. It drives me crazy.

Usually it is dd2 who hits or pinches dd1, who then retaliates.

Usually dd2 is told to sit on the step. And we try talking to her about not hurting people.

[SixKindsofCrisis]

My comments were about playfighting. Obv would not tolerate real physical agression.

[allgonebellyup]

its what kids do.

[Pinkchampagne]

They do play fight, but often they are proper fights.
I feel I can't leave them for more than a few minutes before one of them is wailing because they have been hurt by the other one, and it is driving me insane!

[Bubble99]

Pinkchampagne. I often have to keep my older two physically apart, just to get some peace.

DS1 'talks down' to DS2, I hate the way he speaks to him sometimes.

DS2 baits DS1. He has a 'look' that I've witnessed, and it is guaranteed to send DS1 into a rage.

All normal, I'm told....

[MellowMa]

Message withdrawn

[Pinkchampagne]

I guess it is what children do, and I remember having terrible squabbles with my own sister as a child, but I hate the aggression between my two.
It seems that DS1 has constant teeth marks from DS2, and DS2 ends up with scratch marks from DS1!
I just wish they could play nicely for 5 mins without half killing each other!!

[Bubble99]

PinkChampagne.

Have they got their own rooms? Or do they share?

If they do have their own room, I would make a point of separating them when you're not around. ie. If you need to do stuff in the kitchen.

I often do this, and they'll both moan about it, even though they'd been brewing up a fight, moments before.

DS1 (nearly ten) will usually go and read or draw.

DS2 (7) will go and listen to cds in his room.

And they both seem to be a lot calmer after this time.

It isn't a punishment. It's just a way of getting some space between them.

[Niecie]

My 2 boys (7 and nearly 4) fight all the time but mostly it is play fighting. I let them get on with it and just keep reminding them that they need to be careful. Really they are just a couple of puppies.

But it does get to you a bit - the noise and the red faces and sometimes if one gets accidentally hurt it does tend to degenerate into a proper fight and then they have to be physically pulled apart. Mind you that doesn't stop them for long.

They get sent to their rooms to cool down if they really hurt one another. DS1 still has a faint scar between his eyebrows where DS2 scratched him several months ago.

I think it was the book Raising Boys that suggested to get a male grown-up to do rough and tumble play with them so that they learn boundaries about what is acceptable and what is not. Gets it out of their systems for a few hours so they can do something calmer.

The other thing is distraction - find something they would rather be doing but difficult for 2 children of different ages. Sometimes you distract one but the other one still keeps pestering to carry on fighting so not guaranteed to work.

Or take them out - can't fight so easily when on the move. Works most of the time except in supermarkets where they seem to squabble continually. Boredom I suppose.

[Pinkchampagne]

They have to share a room now, Bubble, and it is a nightmare!
They have always had their own room until 3 months back, but I have had to down size now that I am living alone with them, and I am finding the whole room sharing a nightmare in itself atm!

I sent DS2 up to his room for hurting DS1, and then later sent DS1 up for scratching DS2, leaving the other child downstairs. I don't know what else to do!

[Pinkchampagne]

I've heard a lot about that Raising Boys book - maybe I should look into buying it for myself!

[HonoriaGlossop]

Pink, I can recommend Raising Boys, definitely get it, it's brilliant.

[tigermoth]

Do you do separate bed times? Mine still share a rooom ( out of choice) but as my two are not that close in age, one goes to bed half an hour before the other. This means the first one is ususally asleep before his older brother goes upstairs.

If they are both really wide awake and causing havoc in their room, I move the youngest one into my own bedroom and let him fall asleep in my bed. Then I move him to his own bed when I go to bed.

I agree that a certain amount of playfighting is natural. But if it gets too much, I see it as a sign that my sons need to burn off physical energy and if at all possible I take them out to a park. (This happens less now they are getting older - now I usually just take ds2 to a park as ds1 -13 years - is old enough to be left alone for a short period). When they were younger, trips to parks on the spur of the moment to avert playfighting madness indoors happened a lot. I find even a half hour out can be a great mood changer for hours afterwards.

I would love to tell you the fighting stops but my two still fight each other after years of it.

[Niecie]

Raising Boys is good as boys were a bit of a mystery to me, not being one myself!!! They are definitely more physical creatures than girls and their brains work in a different way to us females. Makes you realise, for example, that the education system is a bit tough on boys in a lot of ways. I would recommend it.

[Pinkchampagne]

I do normally try to separate bedtimes. Ds2 normally goes up half an hour before his brother, but he is often still awake, or gets woken by DS1 when he goes up, and then they think it's party time!
I have started giving a couple of warnings & then moving one of them into my bed if they don't settle, which I did with DS1 one night last week, and he had the hugest tantrum as a result & chucked loads of my stuff around the room.

We did the park yesterday to burn off some of their energy & to try to maintain my sanity. DS1 often says he doesn't want to go, but once we get there he loves it!
We couldn't get out today though as it was too wet.

Think I will definitely get the Raising Boys books. I think it would be handy, especially as I am trying to raise them alone now.

[Bubble99]

Separate bedtimes don't work for us either, PC.

Although they are technically in separate rooms they are both in the upstairs loft extension and practically on top of each other.

DS2 will always try and stay awake, anyway.

They have been bickering and trying to get each other into trouble for all of this evening.

It's just so boring, isn't it?

Quite often, though, after all of the shouting and fighting, I go up and find them fast asleep in the same bed. [rolls-eyes emoticon]

[Pinkchampagne]

Oh mine often do that too, Bubble! I often find them asleep in the same bed, or one in the bottom bunk & the other asleep on the floor next to his brother!
They definitely have a love/hate relationship!!