10 year old humiliated by teacher

(14 Posts)
Windmill1828 Wed 06-Nov-19 00:17:08

I hope I've posted this in the right section.. apologies if not.

Ok so I'll try and summarise this as best I can as it's been going on a long time.

My daughter was happy and enjoying primary school up until her year last year. At the end of year 4 she was told that she was being split from all her friends and placed into a new mixed class with years 4/5 in the next school year. She was devastated. She was put with a handful of the rest of the younger year fives but included only two girls, her and one other who she had never really had anything to do with. She tried desperately to be friends with this other girl. I know because I invited her out with us, for sleepovers etc. This little girl was very.. how shall I say.. sassy..clever little thing. They were very different children and needless to say they clashed and there were the usual playground politics. My DD tried desperately to play with her other friends but different lunch times and play times between the classes meant that it didn't happen. She became withdrawn and didn't want to go out to play and instead opted for jobs to do witting the school, kept her head down and cracked on. I spoke to her teachers several times and the only solution the head came up with was to give her a pass to sit with reception kids at lunch!
Anyway.. cutting a long story short her class was put back together this September.. hurray! Well it wasn't that simple. Her old friends had paired up with new ones and she found it hard to be accepted into the friendship groups again.
But she kept on plodding along trying new friends etc.
But every day was more tears. I spoke to her teacher on parents evening who again said she was a joy, "the angel of the school" a lovely little thing. I raised my concerns again after notes were being passed around the classroom calling her names. All sorts of horrible behaviour from these girls.
He said he would sort.
Then today my DD came out of school white as a sheet. Holding back tears and her little hands were shaking.
I got her in the car and it all came out.
She had been asked to do a job by another teacher mid class and was taken to another classroom. She thought this was great!
Until she went back to her own classroom where her teacher had used that time (deliberately set up) to ask the entire class why they didn't like her. He then fed this back to her. It was all girls stuff like how they felt threatened by her trying to be friends with their friends etc. It was a hard listen for her but she took it all on board but still had no solution.
Then after that the other teacher got all the girls together sat them round in a circle and asked the girls (about 15 of them) to put their hands up one by one and tell DD to her face what it was they didn't like about her. My DD has to sit there on her own, crying.. listening to all this. Her heart was literally broken.
This was then followed up by the teacher saying that because my DD didn't have a full time dad in her life and we have a baby maybe she had grown up too fast!!! Wtf! Then proceeded to ask all the other kids wether they had full time dads in their lives.
My DD was sat there listening to all this, crying, no arm around her, nothing! The only thing it was wrapped up with was "how do you feel about that?" And my DD replied "it's all my fault" 💔
There was no follow up and she told me that she wishes she had a full time dad in her life. And that she doesn't know who she is anymore. And everything I had wanted her her, to be strong, determined and independent was being used as a stick to beat her with. She didn't want to be her anymore. She's ten!
She doesn't want to go into school tomorrow, quite understandably.
I'm gob smacked. I just can't believe it. Can anyone help with next steps?

OP’s posts: |
silkpashmina Wed 06-Nov-19 16:00:02

@Windmill1828 I was horrified reading this, I have reported your post asking if it can be moved to another board so that you can get the support you need.

oreomum Wed 06-Nov-19 16:39:05

This is fucking horrific

It reminded me of this story

https://www.theguardian.com/education/2019/jul/28/derby-primary-school-boy-with-special-needs-blamed-for-being-bullied

NewMum293 Wed 06-Nov-19 17:19:03

Put in a complaint to the school. That is unacceptable. Your poor, poor daughter.

Newmum33 Wed 06-Nov-19 19:24:53

My heart broke reading this. I know it sounds awful but maybe think about a new school, is that possible? Being the new girl will give your DD a chance to make friends who don't already have pre conceived opinions. ( I moved schools a few times mid term as a child and recall finding new friends)

In the mean time I'd be making a formal complaint re these teachers but ultimately that's not what will help your daughter.

I really am so sorry she is going through this. What a horrendous situation.

walkinginshadows Wed 06-Nov-19 19:42:20

That is one of the worst situations I have read on MN on how teachers have treated a child. Your poor daughter.

Firstly, I’d ask for your post to be moved to another board with much more traffic so you can get some good advice from others who have encountered similar situations.

Secondly, my child has only just started school so I’m not sure of the procedures to follow but I’d absolutely be contacting the Head tomorrow for an urgent meeting to lay a strong complaint against these grossly unprofessional, and quite frankly, nasty teachers. I’d also consider not sending my child into school until you have had a meeting with the Head.

Thirdly, given the friendship situation has been dragging on for quite some time I’d be looking at transferring to a new school. I’m not sure how I could ever respect or trust a teacher who did this to my child, and really I would have thought a group of 10-year-olds would know it was just plain wrong on all levels to treat a fellow pupil like this but I guess a pack mentality made them go along with it.

I wish you and your DD all the best flowers

surreygirl1987 Wed 06-Nov-19 22:11:26

Whaaaaaaaat?! Look, I'm a teacher myself. When I saw the title of this thread I admit I sort of expected it to be an unfair attack on the teacher (I see it literally all the time). But this has absolutely horrified me. Your poor poor daughter! This is one of the worst things I've read about on mumsnet and is very serious.

I would do the following...
Write down everything your daughter has said to you. Try to write it vertimatim as far as possible and do it now while you can remember the conversation.

I would actually keep her off school tomorrow if she doesn't want to go in. I usually wouldn't say this, but this needs sorting out.

I would make an urgent meeting with the Head tomorrow. Don't request it, demand it, and explain that this is an urgent and very seriously situation and that you will be informing Ofsted. Take the summary of the incidents with you.

Get in touch with Ofsted and make a formal complaint. The school is not fulfilling its duty of care and responsibility for your daughter's wellbeing.

Alongside all this, take steps to get your daughter into a new school. I think this may be easier for her than trying to sort things out at the old one. I would never usually say this, but if that's the way the teachers deal with things... I get the impressipn that staying will do more damage than leaving.

In the meantime, do whatever you can to bolster your daughter's self esteem after this horrific experience. Does she have cousins or friends from outside the school that she can spend some time with doing something fun? Can she join a local Brownies group etc?

I'm just a teacher, and don't have a child in school yet and so have necer experincee this from a parent's point of vire so these are just some ideas. Hopefully someone else will come along with more experience in this... but I hope it helps.

Knittedfairies Wed 06-Nov-19 22:19:06

Totally unacceptable; your poor daughter.

Hohofortherobbers Wed 06-Nov-19 23:02:28

I gasped reading that. How cruel! Please complain, your poor little girl

Fretfulparent Wed 06-Nov-19 23:22:49

Classic victim blaming. Appalling

Windmill1828 Thu 07-Nov-19 11:20:08

Thank you all for your replies, very helpful.
I didn't send DD in yesterday. I went into school and asked to see the head having a copy of my dd timeline of events in my hands. The head wasn't there and so I saw the deputy who is also her teacher.
To be fair, he was very good. He admitted it was tough on her and held his hands up to not dealing with things properly. He apologised to me and will be doing to DD too. I've kept her off today again until a formal meeting is set up which I have requested with the teachers involved for this apology to happen and for a plan to integrate her Back in slowly.
I really laid into him, quoted their safeguarding policies etc. But with a full acknowledgement of wrong doing and an apology there wasn't much more I could say.
I have spoken to DD about moving school but she's resistant to as she moves to high school in September and is scared to move twice. I think maybe I'll give it to xmas and see what happens.

Thanks again for everyone's advice

OP’s posts: |
silkpashmina Thu 07-Nov-19 11:53:54

@Windmill1828. How is your daughter?

fartingrainbows Thu 07-Nov-19 21:36:11

Wow!! I wouldn't be sending her back there!! The teacher's behaviour is disgusting, what was he thinking doing that? He basically gave the class permission to bully her. Is home schooling an option at all? Give you a chance to build up her self esteem? I can't see how any apology is going to make this better.

Lara53 Sat 09-Nov-19 21:29:33

Holy shit - that was the deputy head???? I am gob smacked at the situation he created. He handled it so very badly. I thought you were going to say it was a young, inexperienced teacher, but even then unforgivable.

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