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Out of control behaviour help

(9 Posts)
Gemz140785 Wed 09-Oct-19 10:33:30

My partners daughters behaviour is so out of control I'm not sure what to do to help, a little bit of background, my partner currently have residency of his 3 children, mum only has supervised access for around 2h twice a week, due to her abusive behaviour towards my ex and the children, the oldest boy is fine great lad the youngest girl 5 she's fine to normal 5y behaviour but the 7y girl is out of control I have 5 children of my own from teens to a 2 year old my parenting skills are fine noones prefect I've also worked with kids most of my life, so I'm a wee bit savy, problem is this is something abit more than what I've seen before I'll give you a run down of her behavior, she spits alot on people mainly her brother and sister, she will pour liquids over them anything that's close to hand, I've seen her physicaly pull her wee sister across the floor by the hair, she kicks pinches scratches nips slaps and scratches faces, screams in your face screams everything she's saying won't do anything she is asked she stretches and destroys her clothes refuses to where clothes even underware in the house, she is extremely physically and verbally abusive to her dad constantly hitting him as hard as she can swares at him calls him names, she will take her seat belt of in the car as its driving and refuse to sit down or put it back on, she will pull and scratch at her dad while he's driving its so dangerous I now have him pull over and stop the car till she's back in her seat belt, this is on a constant daily basis this is happing I not there all the time I live abit further away and have my own children to look after but I am there at weekends and I will speak to the kids threw facetime each day, I'm trying to help but there is only so much I can do, it's at a point where we can't take her even for lunch her behaviour is so bad, my partner has spoke about us living together and I've had to tell him that as things are I won't bring my kids into that situation it's far to violent it wouldn't be fair on them, his children are heavily evolved with social services, he's not very much support and works 6 days a week night shifts, so sleeps all day while the kids are at school, he's not sure how to approach her behaviour and is struggling to control it where she's not being punished like the other kids do when she's naughty, I'm finding it difficult not only cause she's hard to control but my hands are tied on helping to much cause she not mine I'm trying to encourage her more and chastise the behaviour so she doesn't seriously hurt someone, my partner is not being honest about her behaviour for fear the kids will be took of him if hes honest and says he's not coping with it, so he tell them she's OK most of the time when she isn't shes physically abusing her dad and brother and sister, then this weekend she went to raise her hand at me!! It's causing a few problems in our relationship cause I don't feel she's getting the help she needs and he's letting her away with it, I have to put my animal out of my house when she visits because she's so ruff with them to a point my cats leg got injured, I don't know what to do I've never seen behaviour as bad before and I've seen alot of children with problems I know she needs play therapy counselling and structure but my hands are tied and I'm afraid of saying to much and it ruining my relationship

Sorry for the long rant I'm worried as to where it will lead for her unless it's sorted out

BarbariansMum Wed 09-Oct-19 11:17:12

It sounds as though he has an abused, traumatised child on his hands. It may also be that she has additional needs but it will be quite hard to untangle that at the moment.

Who is looking after the kids whilst he's on night shift? How much time is he spending parenting his kids?

Tbh I think you should take a big step back from this relationship. The last thing anyone needs right now is to start blending families and, quite frankly, these childrens father needs to be prioritizing his time with them right now. Dpnt fall into the trap of supporting his children at the expense of your own.

Gemz140785 Wed 09-Oct-19 11:51:06

That's excatly what she is both girls were abused by the mum as was my partner, I'm not prepered to be another person to walk out of her life that's the last thing she needs when she's getting close to me, she hugged me at the weekend when I was leaving and I knew then there was no way I could give up on her she is just a child, and needs alot of help, he has a child minder that looks after them in the evenings social services told him to stay at his job but I have spoke to him extensively about this and he's looking at leaving for now till he finds something more appropriate ate around the kids, that way he can put the time into them that he needs, they have been on his care for about 7 months now, at the moment hes doing the school runs in the morning after his night shift he does the school pick up home homeworks dinner then he leaves for work, I don't see much of him only really weekends at the moment, so his time isn't took up by me, and when I am there his child are also there and I can help my own kids have a very stable life they are with me all week and their dads at weeks so theres not alot of blending familys other than the odd week day he brings them to play with mine witch she seams to enjoy or the odd day out with all the kids, I do love him and I know he loves me and I'll do what I can to help without envoling my own kids to much, he's getting it hard at the minute and I feel sorry for him cause he doesn't know what to do with her behaviour

BarbariansMum Wed 09-Oct-19 12:09:10

If he can arrange to spend more time with them, the next thing to think about is some therapy. He could try to arrange this through SS, or the GP, or if there is enough money he could pay privately. If you are happy to stay in the relationship then good for you, but please dont try and move in together. If your own children become embroiled with this disfunction everything will be so much worse for everybody

Gemz140785 Wed 09-Oct-19 12:41:55

I've spoke to him about getting her some therapy and some counselling etc... Social services haven't been very helpful with it and keep brushing it off he asked for her to be assessed a few times and they haven't been very forthcoming the kids social worker has changed a number of times, he was givin the kids before then they were placed back with her and 10 days later there was another incident and he's had them full time from then not to be horrible but I hope she never gets them back , I've said to him to start making video recordings when he can and noting things down, I think the mum on the other end is blocking alot of it she's still got prenatal rights, but I'm not 100%, I don't even know how to explain it it's heartbreaking to watch seeing a child so out of control and out of control of her own feelings, I think the way to go it to go to the doctor for help, Ive already told him I'm not prepared to move in anytime in the near future it's gonna take I think a few years before things are on track and he's respected that, I'm more than happy to help and support him away from my kids, Ive been trying to work on the seat belt thing to get her into the habit of putting it on and she's doing it abit more automatically Atleast when I'm there witch is something I guess, I've managed to get her to wear a nightdress in the house alot of the time the underwear comes off but we're working on that and trying to get her to respect her body alot more, she comes on the phone all proud of herself to tell me she's kept it on ❤️ I hope I can have some positive influence on her in some ways, but the violence is something else that I can't and he can't alone deal with, it's so bad now I hate to think what it would be like in a few years with no proper help, but I don't want him to feel like I'm intervering to much, so I have only really told him what I think he should do and left it down to him to think about and act on, it's hard when you get attached I guess

Dalmeida Fri 11-Oct-19 19:25:54

Nearly 5 year old has been in nursery and pre school since 9 months. Always played well and sociable has older sister of 7. Been in the nursery attached to his now school For year previous with no issues apart from some general bad listening stuff. Since starting reception he’s just become really violent at school. Two days in a row he spat, bit and punched two different kids and got sent to head teacher. This week he scratched a kid really badly across the face for not being let in at the sink. He got internally excluded as they call it at school today for a few hours...he’s 4! I’m mortified and confused. I’ve asked for a SEN discussion at school which I have appointment for on Monday which is great. What I’m seeking is anyone who’s experienced sudden behaviour change and what suggestions of paths to follow might be. My son seems really confused and unable to explain what’s going on. He seems to know he’s done wrong but can’t seem to control these outbursts at the time. His personality is mischievous but also he is very sensitive. I’ve often wondered if he has some kind of sensory processing issue. I’m so concerned about the ability to keep school supporting him given this number of early incidents and also him being seen as the troublesome child that parents tell their kids to keep away from. I want to support him as best as I can, help! Thanks in advance

Dalmeida Fri 11-Oct-19 19:28:55

Sorry didn’t mean to add to this post have just started another thread. Not sure how to delete!

Hopingforhappiness1 Sat 12-Oct-19 09:28:18

You’re always going to be in a difficult situation as you’re not there all of the time, and she’s not you’re child. That being said what you are doing is great- helping your partner with behaviour strategies is amazing and consistency is key to these working.

She sounds incredibly traumatised and although it’s still supervised the visits with mum will probably bring back a lot of those memories and anxieties- there’s not an awful lot you can do about that though. In terms of violence coming down on her hard is the only way to tackle this. Have a room where she can be put in when she’s being violent to remove her from the situation. And once calm explain that because she has hurt she is not going to get whatever it is she likes to do the most. She will need a lot of help but I’ve seen children come through the other side of this and once home life becomes stable she will settle, and maybe you can investigate SEN as well incase that is another factor as you’ve mentioned some traits that are not uncommon with ASD. Give it time and keep doing what you’re doing. Good luck!

Notodontidae Tue 15-Oct-19 23:33:01

@Gemz140785. I feel for you, and totallyt understand where your coming from, it will be a rocky path, and you will have to be content with small changes in her behaviour since the reasons causing her poor behavour are ever present. Whenever you have a chance to take her out of that environment for a few hour or a day, ensure she complies with your standard of behaviour, with a certain autonomy, and give lots of love. These times will help improve her behaviour, but your battling against poor parenting and having not much authority as would a person acting in loco-parentis.

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