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Tell me truthfully, am I damaging ds?

(67 Posts)
Rhubarb Sat 11-Aug-07 15:33:00

Aargh, I'm starting a thread! Only been back on 2 days and already I'm starting a thread! What if they all ignore me? No no, paranoid bad, deep breath.

This has been worrying me for ages. ds is being brought up differently to dd. I was a sahm with dd. But with ds, well he was shafted to France when he was 6 months old for 2 years and spent some time in the French creché, around 3 days a week. He hated it.

He's now 3.5 and had been going to the local nursery 4 days a week, reluctantly, but he was well cared for. I start a new job in Sept and his old nursery don't do term time only care. So I have to move him. Trouble is, I have him signed up for a nursery attached to a school, but they don't take him until the 10th and on some days he'll have to be picked up by a different nursery until I finish work. So he'll eventually be at the school nursery 5 full school days a week, 4 of those days he'll also be in the community nursery for half an hour until I finish.

But my problem is that I am currently trying to get him used to the community nursery, but he screams and cries when we pull up in the car park. He is heartbroken when I drop him off and shows no signs of settling. Even if he does settle, he'll have to get used to the school nursery too. It's all too much for him isn't it? He's so young still and I just feel that he's had too much change and not enough stability.

I really am damaging him aren't I? How can a child be that heartbroken, that hysterical, and not be damaged by that? He flings himself against the door of the nursery when I leave and I can hear him screaming my name.

lissie Sat 11-Aug-07 15:34:48

oh it sounds heartbreaking. no advice but didnt want you to go unanswered

oh and bump!

Rhubarb Sat 11-Aug-07 15:36:10

Aw thank you! I'm just a paranoid fecker atm, not quite right yet still.

RubySlippers Sat 11-Aug-07 15:36:48

do you call the nursery after you have dropped him off?
he probably stops crying quite quickly and is busy playing but makes you feel like poo

Can you go in and settle him with a nice toy etc or does that make things worse?

No more advice as DS is 14.5 months but has been at nursery since he was 6 months old

Desiderata Sat 11-Aug-07 15:37:42

Poor, poor Rhubs.

What is he like when he's been in nursery a while? Is he unhappy all day, or is it just the morning farewell that upsets him?

Rhubarb Sat 11-Aug-07 15:41:50

Well the nursery say that he just lies there afterwards playing with a few select toys. He doesn't eat his lunch or mix with the other kids. Last time I went to collect him the other kids were all scooting around outside but he was the only one inside, lying on the floor, playing with a digger whilst one of the staff watched over him.

The staff are very sympathetic but it's nowhere near as good as his old nursery.

Whenever we talk about the nursery he looks very anxious and says "no nursery today?" I try and talk about it in positive terms, but he doesn't speak about it at all.

And then of course he has to get used to the school nursery. It's all just too much.

motherinferior Sat 11-Aug-07 15:43:18

Oh Rhuby

I don't know if you're damaging him, but both of you are certainly very miserable at the moment. If he really, really doesn't settle at the community nursery (and I honestly don't think he is necessarily 'too young' but again he's clearly miserable) could you look for a childminder, which is a much more domestic kind of childcare? I absolutely swear by childminders. Both mine have been at a childminder - with pre-school added in but based at the childminder - four days a week since they were tiny, and I really have been impressed by the domestic/care mix.

motherinferior Sat 11-Aug-07 15:43:57

Oh and they stayed with the childminder/preschool mix till starting school. DD2 is four now and will be at her childminder till she starts school in Jan.

Desiderata Sat 11-Aug-07 15:45:44

I honestly don't know what to say. He's obviously unhappy, and you're obviously unhappy.

What alternatives might you conceivably have?

beansprout Sat 11-Aug-07 15:46:14

Oh you poor thing, they can really put up a good fight and it's so hard to know what it's really about. The goodbye bit is often hard of course, but if he is not mixing during the day, I would be very interested to know what approach the staff are taking. It's all very well to watch over him but have they told you what they are doing to support him?

How long has he been at this nursery/having this reaction?

You have my full sympathy, I am about to change ds's childcare arrangments and feel like a piece of poo for doing it, even though there are damn good reasons

fawkeoff Sat 11-Aug-07 15:48:45

rhubarb dont beat urself up so much.....he will adjust eventually,it will just take some time.I know u must feel shit about it but there isnt really any other option.He pulls at ur heartstings and then is probably moody at nursery cos he hasn't won the battle x.....remember he is a bloke in the making and we all know what theyre like even when they grow up

Gobbledigook Sat 11-Aug-07 15:51:44

MI's suggestion sounds good - would that work?

It sounds awful and I feel for you both. Is there no other alternative?

Tigana Sat 11-Aug-07 15:53:24

Agree, can you investigate childminder option?
There is one near us who costs about £3 more per day than nursery.

Rhubarb Sat 11-Aug-07 15:54:01

thanks guys! He's only been to the nursery 5 times for a couple of hours each time. But from the 3rd Sept he'll have to go there for 5 full days until he starts the school nursery.

I did consider a childminder but we are relatively new to this area still and don't know anyone. His old nursery has the best recommendations, but they are very very expensive and I am working term time only, they will only take him on for the full year.

I think the school nursery will be fine for him and he'll settle easier there, I hope, but he is struggling at this one. He's always been like this, very clingy, even though he should be used to nurseries by now. I think he'd probably be the same with a childminder. I just worry and wonder about his state of mind and how this might all affect him when he's older.

fawkeoff Sat 11-Aug-07 15:55:31

yeah why not look up local childminders.....there wont be as many children there as well and they can have him right through the day instead of him getting used to 2 differant ones.x

motherinferior Sat 11-Aug-07 15:56:05

The NCMA, the childminders' association, has networks of childminders in specific areas (I know this through work), which might be one way in. (I do feel for you - finding DD1's childminder all those years ago brought in all my research skills!).

fawkeoff Sat 11-Aug-07 15:56:53

im sure if u phone the local council that they will have a list of childminders and give u the phone numbers.

GoingThroughChanges Sat 11-Aug-07 15:58:22

Have you thought about a childminder, or is this out of the question?

That way he could go to the one nursery he preferred & be picked up by a childminder without the need of the other nursery?

Though I may not have read the OP properly, I have ds wailing at me that his sister looked at him

GoingThroughChanges Sat 11-Aug-07 16:00:41

OOPS>....I cross posts badly

Rhubarb Sat 11-Aug-07 16:01:25

I guess I could phone the children's information service about childminders?

I've always steered clear of childminders, thinking nurseries were safer because they have to be inspected and there are employed staff there who are checked etc.

I would like him to go to the school nursery as it's a lovely little place and I think he would thrive there. He gets on well with routines and the community nursery doesn't seem to have that, there are groups of children all doing their own thing. No storytime or set activities.

The ideal would be for a childminder to care for him during the hours I need her to. But that's asking a lot isn't it?

fawkeoff Sat 11-Aug-07 16:01:27


GoingThroughChanges Sat 11-Aug-07 16:05:44

Depends what hours you need.

My c/minder looks after ds from 9am til 5pm 3 days a week.

He goes to playgroup in Sept so she will look after him from 12.30 til 5pm.

A childminder is usually very flexible, well, I'm speaking of mine I suppose, she is great

Sobernow Sat 11-Aug-07 16:06:41

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Rhubarb Sat 11-Aug-07 16:07:54

It's difficult because I'll need him to be looked after fairly full time for the first week, and then just to be picked up from nursery 4 days a week for half an hour afterwards.

Sigh. If I can just get him through that first week he might be ok, but it will be so stressful having my own first week at work worrying about poor ds having the week from hell!

Rhubarb Sat 11-Aug-07 16:10:12

sobernow - he does take his teddy comforter to nursery with him. Perhaps he is picking up on my anxiety, the last few weeks have been very hard on both him and dd. I've probably damaged them both irreversibly anyway.

Ah fuck it, that'll be it, he's like this because he has an idiotic depressive and fuckwitted mother! Bollocks.

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