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Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

Behaviour/development

2.10 ds refusing to go to bed - help!!

20 replies

whereisthecorkscrew · 07/08/2007 20:04

Hi, posted this on the sleep thread but thought there might be some ideas here too, and I'm desperate!

just on my second night of my ds refusing to go to bed, he's been an angel about going straight to sleep at seven for the past year but has just sudenly refused to settle, cryinh uncontrollably, getting out of bed as soon as I put him back, it was thirty times last night until my ex dh lay down beside him until he crashed out - two hours after we started. ds now sat beside me on the sofa as I just don't know how to get him to sleep.He doesn't seem scared of the dark, asks for a drink, and then refuses it if offered. I know I've given in too quickly but really can't see how putting him back to bed that many times is achieving anything. Help or advice very gratefully received!

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moominsmummy · 07/08/2007 20:18

I know the feeling - it's a nightmare
Does he still have daytime nap?? If so then time to cut it out - he may not be tired at bedtime hence the whole performance
good luck and hope you manage to maintain sanity

Flibbertyjibbet · 07/08/2007 20:34

Yep, cut out any day time naps. If he gets tired in the day then quiet time doing jigsaws or a bit of cbeebies but no nap!
My 2.7 goes to bed and stays there 7.30 till 8. If he has a nap he might as well go out clubbing he is awake so late.

Biglips · 07/08/2007 20:40

mine the opposite as she had stopped napping of her own accord but by 5pm she is knackered and by 7pm (her usual bedtime is 7pm - 7am) she is good till i shut her bedroom door, she start kicking off and sobbing!! (she is usually an angel !). If i let her sit down an watch telly as a break...she be gabbing all the way thru it as she is forever gabbing!!!!

orangecat · 07/08/2007 22:03

Have had exactly the same thing. DD (2.3 months) was going to bed like a dream until 2 months ago. We tried putting her back to bed millions of times each night, thinking that eventually she would get the picture. She didn't. When we stopped this she tried loads of new tricks: taking nappy off, demanding socks on (in this weather!!) and taking pyjamas off...

In the end we realised that we just have to ignore her. We leave her for 30 mins before putting nappy, pyjamas etc. back on. Then we have resorted to putting a bolt on her door (don't feel comfortable with it at all, but we unlock it as soon as she is asleep and we listen on the monitor). Has made definite improvement - settles in 30 mins - 1 hour, instead of 2 or 3 hours.

People I have spoken to think it also relates to summer time - light outside making them not settle, heat.

Annoying as it is, ignoring the behaviour/not pandering to the demands seems to be the only thing which works.

Good luck with it - can totally sympathise with what you are going through, it's really frustrating and draining to spend your whole evening trying to get them to bed

HonoriaGlossop · 07/08/2007 22:53

just shows that everyone has different ways, but I was pretty much the opposite of orangecat; I could not have locked the door on ds and we took the approach of giving a little on the bedtime issue...maybe this age is a classic one for children getting more fearful and clingy, ds was the same. We ended up with one of us sitting in with him while he dropped off. However we didn't just sit while he played, we didn't talk to him; he knew that if he wanted us there, he had to lay down and stop playing/talking. If he made to get up or be pesky, we would say "I'm not here for playing" and make to leave. His wish to have us there was always stronger.

We soon progressed to popping out to the loo, and returning quickly. Then popping out for longer, then over time we changed the system to us 'checking on him' every few minutes.

It was a very gentle approach and it worked for us. The secret is remembering that it's your presence they want; you don't have to get into arguments or telling them to do this or that, you simply go if they play up; you're only rewarding them with your presence if they settle nicely.

Procrastination seems to start, big time, at this age, so i'd make sure he is CLEAR on his routine; routinely put a bottle of water by him so he doesn't need to hassle for a drink, make sure he is aware what happens in what order, make sure he knows that once the light is down and you're there with him that there are no more demands going to be met.

whereisthecorkscrew · 08/08/2007 08:02

Thank you all for your advice - I ended up going to bed at eight takinh d with me and we both dropped off but i know it's not the solution.

HG - I tgink i'll try your suggestions as tried shutting the door on him and he became worse - I guess it's seeing it as not pandering him but being firm and consistent yet empathetic of his fears at the moment. Fingers crossed for tonight!

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orangecat · 08/08/2007 19:29

Tried the softly, softly approach. Didn't work. But if it works for you, great. Good luck

wheelsonthebus · 08/08/2007 19:31

definitely drop any daytime nap, so when their head hits the pillow they are zonked. my dp tells a story which ends up in a whisper and dd is out of it. i promise a sticker if she stays in bed all night. usually works...not always,

slim22 · 08/08/2007 20:12

sympathise with you, same pblm here at 3.4 mths.
We just realised that fear factor/imagination starts to play a role. We keep bedside lamp on and do pretty much like honoriaglossop when we feel he is playing up.
Could never just lock him up.I'm not good with the controlled crying thing. I get too upset.

slim22 · 08/08/2007 20:18

what seems to work is giving plenty of warning about 20 mn before actually putting you foot down and sending him to bed.
Say ok you can play 5 more minutes now,then lets have milk and cuddle now, then let's brush teeth and play 5 more mn.then sit with him for a story.
If he draggs his feet, he knows he's going to bed on his own with no story and that's that. the crying can be very trying, but consistency pays off.
good luck

orangecat · 08/08/2007 21:51

Just to be clear - i'm not leaving her crying. Just leaving her while she is asking for socks, general attention etc. Might be nice if you could offer advice without making assumptions/ being judgemental about other people.

Each to their own. And mine was asleep without a peep at 7pm tonight

slim22 · 09/08/2007 05:19

Orangecat, did not mean to offend you in any way.

Was simply saying that although I know damn well that I should be very firm, I am weak and surrendder to crying.
I was talking about ME getting upset by crying and pleading, not YOU being a monster.
At any rate, give yourself a pat in the back because you are obviously doing a much better job than me: mine was still wide awake at 10.............

As you say, each person has a different style of parenting so please refrain from this type of unnecessary comment.

alipiggie · 09/08/2007 05:32

I'll join in too. My ds's have been angels - bed every night without a problem between 7pm 7.30. Sadly now it's all gone to seed. Mainly not helped by daddy moving out . I ignore ds2 (who's the major culprit) and he comes down here and sits next to me . I put him back to bed. Finally have resorted to telling them at as he's making bad choices he loses treats etc. (but he's 4 so understands far better). DS1 is fine although upset sometimes. DS2 is suddenly getting better. I think a combination of different tactics seems to work for a great many people. Just try a few and stick with what is comfortable with you.

jaynel · 09/08/2007 10:06

hi whereisthecorkscrew im going through the sme thing with ds 2.2, im am exhasuted and very gumpy throught out the day through lack of sleep, have no me time as have other kids and feel genrally pissed off so i can sympithise with u. sorry cant help though wish i could.

good luck

whereisthecorkscrew · 10/08/2007 11:45

Well another disaster last night, eventually gave in at midnight and he came to bed with me. he's suposed to be at a sleepover at his best friends house tonight ... it'll either go really well or my evening out will end at half eight! It's like reverting back to tiny baby days, edging out of the chair once you think they've dropped off and tip toeing out of the room, get to the door and the crying starts again!

Just like diets, I'll start again on Monday

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slim22 · 10/08/2007 16:09

I'm going to suggest smthg but please hold your guns :

If what he wants is to sleep in your bed, why not let him?
For a few months, we would take him into our bed for a story and then leave him there with his teddy to fall asleep on his own. In 10mn he was out. then we'd take him to his bed.

It worked treat. I know that you create a lifetime of trouble with this (our stage now when we are trying to get him to fall asleep in his bed)

But after all what's the big deal? he happy, you happy, everybody sleeps well.We still give in when he won't settle.
To be perfectly honest, I still have no clue why somedays, no problem and other days he gets all clingy.

I don't think we are being sloppy parents letting him call the shots, I think we are being supportive showing him we are there if he feels uneasy about being on his own.
FGS he's only 3!

slim22 · 10/08/2007 16:11

Go ahead shoot

notsogummyanymore · 10/08/2007 16:21

bang

Egypt · 12/08/2007 06:19

looks like you scared them off slim

whereisthecorkscrew · 13/08/2007 10:10

Still here!! He's been up all night being sick so maybe could be linked to feeling poorly. To be honest I secretly like him in bed with me as he's so cuddly I'm going to go with the flow from now on (and not just the flow of sick) He obviously needs reassurance and as i'm single and not likely to have a man in my bed for the forseeable future, I'm not going to stress too much

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