Don’t think I can take anymore

[Mumofoneandanotherontheway]

Hi all,
Need some advice please. I’ve a 4yr Old & nearly 1yr Old. 4yr Old is I feel very out of control & I don’t know what to do!!
So he’s started to answer back for example:
Me: I’m going to have to put that toy away & you won’t be getting it until you behave.
Him: well ‘tut tut’ I’m just going to throw your dress in the bin’

I only say to him I will take away something of his, if he’s misbehaving or not listening. It’s got to a point where I wanted to cry when out shopping today and he was answering back! I was so ashamed and a customer in the store actually told him he shouldn’t be talking to me like that and he needs to start listening to mummy’s instructions otherwise he won’t be getting nice treats
It’s his birthday in a few days and I really feel like calling the whole thing off & returning his gifts, he deserves nothing!
It’s got to a point where after putting him to bed I literally sat here & felt sorry for myself and cried. I think I’ve started to hate him. How can a mum say things like this! I don’t know what to do, I really need some advice. Is this literally only my child doing this or do others?
Because from what I’ve seen I haven’t really experience this with other people’s children.

Pls help, and don’t judge x

[Mumofoneandanotherontheway]

Forgot to add:
He throws his toys, answers back, slams the door, screams to the top of his voice.

[selly24]

You are not alone!!!
He is just mimicking you in an attempt to divert your attention away from the situation.
Cunning!😒
But clever enough it seems to understand a few ground rules!

I suggest starting each day eg. After breakfast - by laying out your expectations for the day, based on what you have planned
Eg today we are going to visit Auntie Anne and then go to the playground. I expect you to be at Auntie‘s house. Play nicely, listen and follow my instructions at the playground. If you are rude or answer back we will go home and your -fave toy- will have to be taken away.

If the worst happens and he disappoints you give him a chance to turn his behaviour around- with a firm warning-but if he persists , follow through.

Don’t make a big deal of taking the toy away - just do it calmly without Ceremony once you are home- but remind him factually why you are taking it for a while.

Later explain how sad and disappointed you are because you know how well he can behave.

Give lots of praise when he behaves well and look for opportunities to ‚catch him‘ in the act when being kind, thoughtful, sensible etc - however small- and describe what you see
‚ -You tidied away your shoes- that was really thoughtful - now no one will trip over
-You were so patient waiting your turn
-You put the rubbish straight in the bin- so sensible!
( Even if it drives you mad and you sound like an actor from Sesame Street!!)

[Mumofoneandanotherontheway]

Wow Thank You so much Selly
See I loose my temper very quickly so snap quiet quiet & end up shouting at him. But I will most certainly try your way from today, he’s not awake yet so perfect opportunity xx

[almostalwayslaura]

Hi!
You commented on my post about the same thing so I had to come find your post!

It is very soul destroying so I feel you. Last night after my daughter was in bed I cried thinking I was failing as a mum, what was I doing wrong?!

I don’t have any advice because if I did I would fix my own sassy daughter’s behaviour but it’s nice to know we are not alone in this!!

When does your boy start school? My daughter starts end Aug and I am hoping that straightens her out a bit! It’s hard because we still have 3 weeks left of the summer hols and I have such a short fuse with her and loose my temper so easily

Also always hear if you need someone to rant too!! X

[Chunk9]

I feel your pain, we had our second in March, before she was born our son (4 in September) was an angel. But now he just will not listen, he answers back all of a sudden. I spend most of the day putting him up in his room. I used to miss him when he went to bed but now it’s just relief, then I feel so guilty. Like I’ve shoved him out the way in bed and then can enjoy our happy baby who obviously doesn’t answer back or misbehave yet.

It’s a horrible feeling but he will grow out of it. Just keep going momma, when in public your fellow moms will understand what you’re dealing with and not judge, sod what anyone else thinks. However you’re going about it just be consistent and follow through with threats. Xx

[NoKnit]

Is he going to be 4 or 5 in a few days?

You are not alone 1 year old and 4 year old is hard work.

Shopping - just don't go I avoided at all costs with both of them at that age. Go when husband is home or they are at nursery etc. He has no desire to be in the shops whatsoever so see it from his point of view.

As for removing toys for not listening I'm not sure it's the right approach if he doesn't get the connection. I think if he's throwing a toy then you calmly remove it. But if you are asking him to come and eat dinner/wash his hands and he doesn't do it then you remove a toy he doesn't see the connection. So tell him if you don't come and eat dinner now then dinner time will be over, etc there'll be no time to play. That he might understand. Its clear he doesn't understand the way you are intending because he mentions throwing your stuff in the bin (totally normal at this age)

If he is turning 4 then I would just give him 2 gifts, less is more at that age and he doesn't expect anything. However if he's going to be 5 and has asked for things I wouldn't be so mean

[Gertruude]

No idea if it would help others but we came up with a story about lovely lions & rude monkeys. I explained it's a choice and that sometimes we're a lovely lion that's kind & fun & other times we're rude monkeys which make people unhappy. When my DD (4) is being rude, answering back, being stroppy etc etc I found it's quite disarming (as previously I'd just get cross & instantly resort to threats of punishment of some kind) for both of us if I say "are you being a rude monkey? Only lovely lions get to play with toys / watch tv / have treats /whatever they are doing. So do you want to be a rude monkey or a lovely lion?" My DD pretty much always ends up breaking into a smile & choosing the lovely lion option. Sometimes she'll strop a bit more first but mostly it brings her round. I find it means we concentrate on the reward for her good behaviour rather than the punishment for her bad which seems to help us both.

Sometimes if she's been sent up to her room for a few mins to calm down by the time I've gone back up she's saying "sorry mummy I want to be a lovely lion now" & we'll have a cuddle. Also means if I lose my shit at any time I can also apologise later and we'll agree I was being a rude monkey so it helps us both understand & be a bit more forgiving.

As I said no idea if it would be helpful for others but I used to feel just like your post! Doesn't work on her younger brother tho who is 2.5 but has been great with her since she was 3.5

[MyHeartIsInCornwall]

Hi mumofoneandanotherontheway. Mum of 3 boys here. It can be tense. My DS2 is very ‘spirited’ shall we say and started out around the same age with similar behaviour. As already has been said, he’s just testing the boundaries and getting a sense of his own ability to make choices and make sense of the world around him. Doesn’t make it any easier for you, I know.

I’d just reiterate, follow through with anything you say will happen if he exhibits certain behaviours. Do not back down, no matter how much he might scream and shout about it as by doing so you are just reinforcing, negative behaviour. It’s the hardest thing ever to do, especially when you are pregnant or have other younger child/children in addition to your feisty DC.

My DS2 is 7 now and understands consequences of his behaviour more. I don’t allow screen/technology time during the week at all, (affects their concentration and behaviour a lot!) but I do fri after school and at the weekends. Therefore this is is biggest want, and if he misbehaves/shouts/answers back etc, then I give him a warning that he will lose technology after school Friday (only an hour but he really work so hard all week to get it). It usually has the desired affect. If he carries on Saturday time goes and then Sunday. If necessary we move to the following week, and we absolutely stick to it. If he complains we remind him why he has no technology and why it’s important to behave well and listen and be kind to his brothers. Most stuff is a learning curve but being rude and shouting etc, has to be nipped in the bud so to speak with our DS2. The other thing we will give a warning for is treats. I.e. if you do XYZ again, you will not get a treat later (again weekends only generally). He is very much up and down with behaviour and we find that we have to keep an eye on when he’s last eaten, because if he gets hungry, this affects his mood and behaviour, big time.

What does he really like to do or play with? That’s what you have to target, even if it’s just playing in the garden on his scooter. That’s the thing that will drive him the most to want to listen and behave, usually. This has been our experience anyway. Hope you find something that works for him and you.

[Lebec]

Hi all. Our DS (6months old) has started having his day naps out the Grow bag at times. This is in his Cot. My concern is that he gets his leg out between the bars very often so we check all the time. I know the grow bag will stop this bit I am wondering if there is a risk of him hurting himself or dislocating a leg? or is he stuck in the grid bag for all sleeps?

Anyway thanks

[Lebec]

Sorry I had meant to post the above post on a separate thread