If you have grown up (successful) children, how did you discipline them

[newmummah]

I have a one year old and am starting to look at the different styles of parenting / discipline. There are lots of books on the subject but I thought it best for to ask others that have gone through it already. So to all the parents with grown up children who are successful. By successful, I mean happy, well adjusted, with a career and or a family of some sort. Hence you are proud of the adults they have become.
How have you disciplined them over the years ?
What were you particularly strict about and what were you more lenient with ?

[NoKnit]

I don't think what you do at a year old is going to make them anymore 'successful' as you put it. Personally I'd never use the word success as what I want my children to be because if they not you think that rt are a failure? Also what does career have to do with it.

I am bringing up my children to respect others and teaching them what is right and what is wrong.

The only thing I want my children to be is kind. Then I will know I have done a good job.

[newmummah]

I only mentioned career as I would like to think that my child will eventually grow up to have a career that they enjoy and could support the lifestyle that they choose to have, whatever that may be. I'm hoping that the small decisions I make now will make an impact on how they grow up and that they will grow up to show respect and to be kind. But I'm more just wanting to focus on particular strategies for example what people have been strict about and what they've been more lenient with over the years, when trying to discipline their children.

[Rachelover40]

Hee hee, I completely get where you are coming from, op. I laugh because I was virtually incapable of instilling any rules/ discipline into mine - it was one word from me and they did as they liked! I obviously lack natural authority.

However, turned out very well and successful. All thanks to me :-) (well, some if not all).

[pikapikachu]

My children are secondary school aged but here's what I've learned about discipline.

1. not all methods are equally effective. The most effective method depends on the child. childcare/school/nursery obviously needs the same system for all kids though.
   
   
2. not all kids need the same amount of discipline. In my opinion this is something that they are born with and not superior parenting although some parents assume that this is the case. Needing lots of discipline as a pre-schooler does not necessarily mean a nightmare at school/as an adult.
   
   
3. be consistent. This is for the adults really but if you waver or allow exceptions sometimes then kids will try to push that boundary. Don't threaten punishments that you're not going to carry out.
   
   
4. pick a punishment/reward system that suits you. I knew that reward charts etc are not right for me
   
   
5. it's more effective to reward good behaviour than punish bad. Your child might be going though a hitting phase so when you see them being kind then it's great if you reward that in the hope that you see a replay.
   
   
6. talk about feelings and let your child experience anger, jealousy, disappointment etc. in my experience, kids whose parents are always trying to prevent them from crying/tantrumming etc end up with worse behaved kids than those who have gone through tantrumming etc and know how to come back from that. It is sad when kids are angry/upset but age 2/3 is the time to learn about how to deal with feelings like anger.
   I'm not saying ignore your tantrumming child if you know how to end their tantrum without giving in to their unreasonable demand. With my dd there would be a break in her screams when she'd calm down immediately if you asked her if she was ready to hug and talk.
   
   
7. don't waffle on like me. Keep explanations short so they don't zone out.
   
   There's a funny Instagram account where parents post pics of kids who cried for unreasonable reasons like their sibling said good morning.
   
   Personally I think that if you don't resort to physical methods, are consistent, have reasonable expectations and let things go after incidents (even though you're secretly still fuming) then things generally turn out fine.

[corythatwas]

Like NoKnit, I feel you may be conflating two questions here. The one being how do you bring your children up to behave as you would like, the other how do you guarantee that they get the financial outcome they would like in life. You may find that there is a certain element of luck to both of them, but more so to the second.

My 19yo ds is not as far as I can make out academically gifted or outstandingly clever with his hands. He also suffers from crippling anxiety, which would make any entrepreneurial activities almost impossible for him. Given this situation, it is likely that he will have to adapt his expectations of lifestyle to what is realistically achievable.

But he is the young man who ran out of the house in the middle of the night at the weekend because he heard the cry of a woman in distress and thought someone might have been attacked. And ds is quite streetwise enough to understand the risk he would be taking if there was a man waiting out there with a knife.

Do you think I feel I have failed at bringing him up because he probably won't be able to dictate terms to a future employer and choose the lifestyle he would want to have? Do you think there is some other way he could be that would make me more proud of him?

There is no discipline that could conceivably have made it easier for him to learn to read and write or to shine at maths (has attempted and failed GCSE maths 3 times, currently waiting for results from 4th attempt). That was not in my gift.

Possibly his decency is innate, too. Or perhaps that is where dh and I have been able to play a part: by giving a reasonably good example, by making sure he would never get away with being mean or nasty either to anybody else or to us, by making sure that he knows that these are our expectations, by making him feel loved, by letting him know that we believe he is a good person. And for the discipline basically doing what pikapikachu said.

Dd (22) is perhaps more conventionally clever. But she has become physically disabled (wasn't apparent when she was born) and has MH issues. Happiness is not in our gift. The best we have been able to do for her has been to support her in dealing with the hand she has been given and by making sure she knows it is never right to take out your unhappiness on other people. Again, lifestyle success will have to work around what is achievable.

So, to address your second question: we have very much focused on kindness and honesty. Have tolerated a certain amount of backchat, but never rudeness. Have tried to model calm and self control. Have explained that sometimes you are allowed to think rules are silly or that a person in authority is wrong, but that you still have to obey rules and be polite. Tried not to be unnecessarily confrontational but never given in to demands to keep the peace. Letting them know at 2 that they won't get the sweeties because they are screaming makes it easier to stand firm when they are 14 and want you to buy that bottle of scrumpy to stop them from getting the vodka off a mate.