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Help needed with my antisocial 6.5 DS

(9 Posts)
KTP Wed 25-Jul-07 04:38:37

Either I find a solution or I'll have to stop play dates at our house, or going anywhere where there are groups of children...

My ds seems incapable of playing well with groups of other children. If he goes to another house on a one to one playdate he generally behaves impecably (until I go to pick him up when he moans, but that's normal....). Parents at the playdate generally comment on what a lovely, well behaved, polite child he is (probably surprised I think).

BUT, when we say, go to the park and meet up with other children, or go to someone's house where the are more than 2 other kids, the time is spent with other children coming up to me saying "DS has just ........... me (called names, hit, pushed etc etc). He is always very ready to blame everyone else for what has happened and is always distraught about it, but just cannot see that he is causing the commotion.

This has been going on for a few years now, with no real improvement. I've read books, looked on here, done a positive parenting course, you name it, but still can't get to the bottom of this behaviour.

After the last outing - Sunday afternoon at a friends with 5 or 6 other kids - I am just ready to cry. He just seems to make himself unpopular.

His personality is definitely better for one-to-one friendships, but he even abuses his "best" friend at times.

I don't want him to be mr unpopular for ever, and, selfishly, I don't want to have to give up meeting up with friends (mind you they are getting bored with my repeated moaning I think).

any ideas?

twentypence Wed 25-Jul-07 05:23:39

What do they say at school?

KTP Wed 25-Jul-07 09:10:22

Thanks. At school, he has just received his first full report - and under all the socialisation (attitude/behaviour/effort) stuff he got top marks (ie. gets on well with others, demonstrates understanding of the feelings of others, cooperates with others). I was quite delighted actually, because last year he was struggling a little with the social stuff, but seems to have turned it around. He does have an absolutely brilliant teacher, and I regularly pop my head in to check how he's going - and nothing mentioned. I am going to mention it to her now though.

He came home from school today saying he had shaken hands with the boy whose house we were at at the weekend agreeing they weren't going to argue or fight again. Not sure who initiated this, but it shows he does have insight into his behaviour.

KTeePee Wed 25-Jul-07 09:16:41

Sorry to hijack but are you new KTP? It's just that you have chosen a very similar (sounding) name to mine and there may be some confusion...tbh I thought I already "had" KTP as a past username.

KTeePee Wed 25-Jul-07 09:23:43

Sorry, just checked and can see you are not new - do you post infrequently or do you just use KTP from time to time? ......trying to think how we can stop confusion....

clutteredup Wed 25-Jul-07 09:30:55

KTP it sounds like your ds is attention seeking, my ds used to be the same. i realised that if we had friends over or we went to friends i saw it as a way of having some time off and would sort of dump him and get on talikng to my friends and find it irritating that he might want me to do anything...i probably still do a bit but now i try to pay attention to him and join in a bit if needed..or just check in from time to time and say 'ok?'. if he's only doing it when you're around it's almost certainly for your benefit. try to show him you're paying attenntion and it might help

KTP Wed 25-Jul-07 11:05:42

KTeePee - Hi, yup, I've been a member for donkeys years, but rarely post........KTP has been my nickname for nigh on 30 years, so I'm loathe to give it up......don't worry I won't post much so I doubt we'll get confused.

KTP Wed 25-Jul-07 11:07:51

clutteredup - yup, have wondered in the past if it could be attention seeking......but, am pretty sure it's not as I've trained myself to check in regularly, and monitor stuff in light of the years of behaviour.

I feel it's more to do with losing control of the situation, in that he can't control the game.........can't be the leader.

KTeePee Wed 25-Jul-07 11:23:43

Hi KTP - I seem to remember now when I was choosing this username it wouldn't let me pick KTP - when I checked on the history it looked like it was "dormant" so didn't think picking something else similar would be an issue - we could have fun confusing people!

Re your ds, I also have a 6 year old ds - I think at that age they are still learning how to be friends with other children. I have pretty much given up on playdates after school because my ds just wants to chill out when he gets home, not actively "play" with another child or else ends up in tears because they can't agree on what to play.... I think girls can be better at the friendship thing at this age

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