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Who is right, me or DH?

(17 Posts)
Monkeybar Sun 22-Jul-07 17:26:00

We're at a bit of a stage with ds (very nearly 2). He has always been a hair puller, which when he was tiny I ignored, thinkin git would stop with time and quicker if I didn't react. He still does do it, and I now tell him to stop, because it hurts mummy when he does it and if he does it again I stand up and ignore hom for a second or two, before drawing a line under it and getting back into whatever we're doing. DH goes one further, and when ds pulls his hair, he fake cries, which upsets my ds and makes HIM cry. (MIL told dh that was what worked with him and his sister).
I think dh is wrong because a) it makes him look like a wimp (esp compared to me! ) and b) it upsets my ds enough to make him cry, which in my eyes is almost as bad as making him cry by smacking him - same end result, but emotional rather than physical punishment. What do you do?

Monkeybar Sun 22-Jul-07 17:27:02

Oops, I really should preview - thinking it would stop

AbRoller Sun 22-Jul-07 17:31:28

Both ways teach him and should lead to him stopping but your way doesn't hurt or make him distressed. I agree with you

McDreamy Sun 22-Jul-07 17:37:05

I do it your way but cut the talking down to a very firm (not shout) "no" and immediately stop what you are doing with him and walk away for a minute or 2.

Monkeybar Sun 22-Jul-07 18:52:03

Thanks, I will stand firm with dh, then, and suggest we try my way for a set time (a month?) and if it doesn't work we'll try it his way (which I won't of course, but you've got to give a little to get something, haven't you?!)

EscapeFrom Sun 22-Jul-07 19:01:43

I think your husband is right - if he pulls another child's hair the child will cry - best he learns the nayural consequence from someone who isn't really hurt.

Children do cry when they don't get their own way, any form of discipline is likely to make a child cry, any way of stopping a child getting their own way could be judged a physical or emotional punishment.

Justaboutmanaging Sun 22-Jul-07 19:28:35

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NAB3 Sun 22-Jul-07 19:30:53

I get your DH's point. By crying he is trying to tell your child that what he is doing hurts. But, your child is doing it because he gets a reaction, not to hurt you. If he did it and you laughed he would do it again. He is too young to know. Just say a firm No and walk away from him. BTW It doesn't make him look like a wimp. Your c hild won't understand that either.

TenaLady Sun 22-Jul-07 19:32:44

dh way is just as good. Why shouldnt ds be upset by hurting someone else. Id rather have him cry now with dad and learn the lesson than have a good belt back from a stranger.

Ignoring is a good strategy too as it means that you can use it when you are out.

Like the biting thing its perseverance that will bring the result.

lailasmum Sun 22-Jul-07 19:36:04

I agree with you. When he does it just say a firm no-you could add 'that hurts mummy' or , 'you make me sad when you pull my hair' or something along those lines, move away from him and change your attention onto something else for a minute or so.

tribpot Sun 22-Jul-07 19:37:39

I'm with you. The crying strategy just seems wrong and manipulative, even though I'm sure your dh doesn't mean it that way. When ds (just 2) hits one of us in the face we put him down and tell him firmly 'no', but I wouldn't dream of pretending to cry to make him feel bad.

Walnutshell Sun 22-Jul-07 19:40:02

I think your son is too young to understand that other people have feelings so dh's strategy a waste of time and confusing.

scattyspice Sun 22-Jul-07 19:42:30

In my experience 2 yr olds have memory like a goldfish, so rarely actually remember what you try to teach them.

tribpot Sun 22-Jul-07 19:45:33

Really, scatty? My 2 year old can remember loads, but I still wouldn't expect him to make sense of an emotional response to hair pulling.

pointydog Sun 22-Jul-07 19:46:55

You are right.

Hate adults doing that mock crying thing.

Monkeybar Sun 22-Jul-07 20:40:37

I'm feeling better about my approach. I see what EscapeFrom means - a child will cry if my child hurts them. But then my dh stops his mock cry quite abruptly and says 'it's okay' to ds to try to stop him crying. I was thinking about this earlier - a child wouldn't stop crying abruptly and tell ds it's okay. So does dh's way give ds the message that it's okay to hurt someone else and make them cry....because they'll stop in a second and it'll all be okay again?
If only there was a definite Right and Wrong way to bring up your kids - but it's never that simple, is it?

scattyspice Sun 22-Jul-07 20:59:28

Tribpot. Mine remember things important to them.

Not me.

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