Can't cope with 11-year-old son's behaviour

[jojojo111]

My son's behaviour is impacting on our whole family. This evening he has had an episode that has lasted for over four hours. He arrived home from school and it was clear that he might "blow". My husband tiptoed around him for over an hour. By the time I got back from work he was in an argument with his younger brother in which he was clearly in the wrong and making things up. I thought we had calmed things down and then in an apparent play-fight, he took a hit to the nose and made an enormous fuss. Again, he calmed down but then started to seek revenge on his brother for the alleged punch and could not calm down. He became abusive towards his brother (9) and frightened both him and his sister (5). His sister cried and his brother barricaded himself in his room. He kept appearing to calm down and then blowing up again. As a consequence for prolonged unacceptable behaviour, I said that he would not receiving a fidget spinner that I had ordered him a few days ago. He was furious about this, but this seemed mainly to do with the idea that I might give it to his brother. When he is in trouble, he tends to seek to get his brother in trouble instead. At several points this evening, he has seemed to calm down, but rather than being concerned about how abusive he has been towards me or how he has frightened his sister, he keeps coming back to the fidget spinner ("but might I get it back?" "Is it a maybe" etc etc). I have stuck to my guns. He seems to be trying to push and push me and his dad into losing our tempers. This happens a lot and it only stops when he eventually falls asleep. He does not seem to have any appreciation of the feelings of others - only caring about material things. At one point he said that if I didn't let him have the spinner it was stealing and he would steal my things. I realise all of this sounds ridiculous, but it happens a lot and he gets to the stage where he pretends he is going to leave/run away. His siblings hear this and become very distressed. I really don't know what to do - I put in place a punishment and stick to it, but he seizes on that and pushes things to/beyond the limit. He is violent and makes threats. I am terrified as he is only 11 now so what on earth is he going to be like when he is older?

[SilverMermaid]

Poor you, this sounds so hard to cope with.
I work with children who have behaviour problems.
What's his behaviour like at school?
Is he always preoccupied with material things, so once he's got the fidget spinner is he then obsessing over the next thing he wants?
Why did his brother hit him in the nose? What was the consequence for the brother doing this?

[jojojo111]

He is fine at school in terms of behaviour, although there are issues with concentration. The incident with his brother seemed to be a playfight gone wrong - an accident. He is always wanting something or other. I am worried that he struggles to make/keep friends. He doesn't seem to understand banter - he wore a football shirt on own clothes day at school and was then upset that other boys "hated" him because he supported that football team.