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How do you cope? 3 Year old pushing boundaires - been in tears at neighbours as almost lost it!

(9 Posts)
BernieBear Mon 09-Jul-07 21:47:03

My gorgeous 3.4 Year old ds is now horrible. I am getting to the stage I can't cope. He has winged/screamed/hit/kicked etc since 6.30 this morning. He has had a cold and spent a few days with his dad (was supposed to be more for his summer hols but he "missed his mum" as they do when they are under par) so I could put it down to "payback" time/getting over a cold/general 3 year old behaviour/frustration etc etc etc.

I try so hard to be a good mum (am single mum, but he has a good amount of time with dad) have changed my job and started my own business so he is with me more, I don't smack and try and do the whole ignoring bad behaviour/encouraging good; but over the last few weeks he has got so bad. A few weeks ago he started hitting me and with a few "being sent to his room" he now goes to hit me but stops and hits something else. So I am guessing that worked.

But yesterday and today it reached a peak, he seriously did not stop. Distraction/getting out/cuddles/going to room nothing worked and it was minute to minute. To the point, and I am embarrassed to admit it, I was either going to completely lose it with him (in a physical sense) or phone my neighbour for help. I did phone my neighbour but wasn?t making much sense on the phone but thank god she took us both in, sent him off to play and me a glass of wine and box of tissues. I never imagined it could get this bad. I was so close.

Part of my problem is that I was verbally abused and physically abused by my mother throughout my childhood (until I was 14) and know that was wrong. But I don't understand where the line is between discipline and where it crosses the line. I'm told I am too soft with ds but am so scared as to how far I can go. Does that make sense?

So, how do you cope, what is your discipline, what do you put up with/not put up with and how do you deal with a day from hell? Where is the fine line? Oh and I apologise for the ramble but said neighbour gave me 2 1/2 glasses of wine and I don't get out much .

jeangenie Mon 09-Jul-07 21:55:46

sounds like you are doing a great job. there are just days when it does all get too much - you realised it and things got diverted. don't worry about repeating the mistakes of your mother, I doubt very much from the tone of your message that is a real possibility. Don't be frightened of your reactions, sometimes we all lose our tempers, it's not the end of the world.
you are doing fine, he is pushing boundaries, you know that, it'll go on for a while and then it'll stop (and something else will start!!!)
sounds like you have a lovely neighbour

giddy1 Mon 09-Jul-07 21:57:46

Message deleted

BernieBear Mon 09-Jul-07 22:14:31

Thank you both. Just can't seem to stop crying at the moment. He was leading up to this the few weeks before he went away with his dad and when I got the call to say that he needed to come home I was amazed. Now I am just confused.

I don't know if this makes any sense, but I have horrible memories of the simplest things that happened with my mother and am scared that by displining him he will have similar memories.

I know I am not abusing him but it is so confusing. I realise that you learn your parenting skills from your parents, I learn't mine from my father, but when you become a mother you naturally look to your own mother and that's where I get confused. Or does everybody; whether you were hit or not? Maybe I need to go back to my counsellor (had pnd - and she really helped!)

BernieBear Mon 09-Jul-07 22:15:23

Pleae excuse my grammer and spelling!

Sakura Tue 10-Jul-07 07:33:49

BernieBear, There is a long thread about women who are trying to cope with parenting after a disastrous relationship with their mother here
The fact that you are even questioning your parenting shows that you are definitely ON the right track. Abusive parents never question their own actions or behaviour.
My mother was very abusive like yours, and while I grew up feeling it was not okay, I never labelled it as abuse until recently. Since `realising`, I`ve done a massive overhaul of what I believe is okay parenting and what isn`t. I`ve ordered lots of books from Amazon, and chatted a lot on mumsnet, and am thinking of going to therapy.
`Letting GO as Children Grow` by Deborah Jackson is fantastic. Its about trusting your instincts and setting boundaries, and I think its ideal for mothe I really reccommend it for parents who haven`t had a good model of parenting from their own mothers.
I`m sure you`re doing so well. Its the people that think they`ve got parenting completely sussed out who have real problems, not people who aren`t sure

Speccy Tue 10-Jul-07 11:40:34

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

jeangenie Tue 10-Jul-07 12:51:46

hope things are going better today BB. I think there is some good advice on here and hopefully it helps to know we all feel like this sometimes. I am off to look up that deborah Jackson book now, sounds useful...
Good Luck

BernieBear Tue 10-Jul-07 13:55:06

Hello all. Thank you so much for your kind words. They mean so much. Feeling a lot better today and ds is a bit better, still pushing but I am stronger today so am coping better.

Hello Speccy - thank you for sharing your experiences too. It makes me feel less alone in those dark hours. Ds does go to pre-school 3 x weekly and half day with his dad (also every other weekend) so we do get some time apart. I kept him off pre-school yesterday because he had been a bit poorly the previous week and I presumed the behaviour was because of that. Realise I was wrong now and he should deffo have gone to school . I just keep looking at the photo of my new puppy and looking forward to a less lonely/unloved time to come...even if the pup is my ds's.

I will take a look at that thread which is mentioned.

Thanks again to all.

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