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I thought we were doing ok but HV has made me feel crap

(6 Posts)
TheRhythmlessMan Tue 05-Mar-19 07:51:43

DD hit 9 month mark yesterday. HV came to to do the ASQ (Ages & Stages Questionnaire aimed at 9-12 month olds) and we ended up in the grey/black zone under most headings. HV was very kind about it but did seem concerned. She'll come back to reassess in a couple of months.

I'm trying to tell myself not to worry as we were right at the earliest stage of doing this questionnaire but her concern has stuck with me and I've flipped from being proud of how well we're coping as first time parents, to a really depressed mess. DD seems so happy and healthy and these questions were, to me, like something from a different era, contradicting everything I hear about "babies all develop differently" etc. and I didn't know I was meant to be 'teaching' DD to do things like wave, speak, point etc. I ignorantly and stupidly thought babies just sort of gradually pick up on these things over time?

OP’s posts: |
Parly Tue 05-Mar-19 08:09:24

i need to go back and find out the story but no matter - scratch any and all worries carry on as you were

Been a long while since mine were young enough to see the HV but nearly pasted one in the health centre waiting room angry

My screen is shagging up so I will need to trawl back but whatever it is worrying you don't let it.

AladdinMum Tue 05-Mar-19 10:27:12

Pointing is an emergent skill, they will do it without ever seeing it before. Waving, clapping, etc they learn by mimicking when they see you doing it. Some of these skills would be very advanced for a 9M, for example, pointing at 12M is considered early, at 9M is would be incredibly rare to see.

Also there is no ASQ for 9-12M, there are different ASQs for different months, so you should only be looking at the 9M one, link here -> www.iow.nhs.uk/Downloads/Health%20Visiting_School%20Nursing/9%20Month%20ASQ3.pdf

And the scoring sheet here -> www.southernhealth.nhs.uk/EasysiteWeb/getresource.axd?AssetID=99708&type=full&servicetype=Inline

Witchend Tue 05-Mar-19 13:54:01

Well they pick them up, but will do it quicker if they see you do it.
For example dd1 waved before 9 months, but being pfb we used to go out with dh every morning and wave him off. With dd2 and ds we didn't and they were older.
Equally well ds pointed quite early because his big sisters did a lot of "do you want this" with a point, so he learnt if he pointed he got it.

These things mean nothing long term.
What you've written here doesn't seem cause for concern, however I can see that if they're doing nothing they were looking for, then it will be flagged as a potential concern.

You are right that they all develop differently. Mine all did very different things at 9 months-they're all very similar abilities now as teens.
You can choose what you do now.
You can go to the HV and ask to be referred band see what they say.
You could ask to be reassessed in a couple of months time.
You could say "load of rubbish" and ignore it.

With dd1 I'd probably have done the first, with the latter two I'd have done the last. All can have advantages, all can have disadvantages-unfortunately it depends on the child as to what is going to be right.

lovely36 Tue 05-Mar-19 14:08:31

You definitely want to be speaking to her a lot and teaching her as much as you can. She solely depends on you and the people around her to learn and do things. You can't sit and wait for her to magically learn how to do things like feed her self etc. You need to allow her to do things to help her development OP. Read book to her, let her flip the pages. Give her treasure baskets so she can explore different objects. Get her musics instruments to play with and so she can hear sound and effect. Alllow her to crawl everywhere. I mean there's so much she could be doing at 9 months. Yes every child develops at their own pace but a lot of that has to do with how much time the parents gives the child (not always). I dedicated my everyday life to help my son thrive since he was a newborn, and he was well more advanced than his cousin who was placed in front of the tv all day since birth. My son was crawling,cruising, waving , pointing and his cousin couldn't do any of that because her parents didn't teach her anything. Another good tip is to google activities and toys for 9 month old and developmental activities for her age. Regardless don't be too hard on yourself. The most important thing a child needs is a loving mom which she obviously has!

Confusedbeetle Tue 05-Mar-19 14:22:18

As an ex-Health Visitor I can tell you that the introduction of formal testing was a very negative one and caused no end of unnecessary worry, irrational fears attempts to coach for tests to get a "pass". Your HV is not concerned which should tell you that in her professional opinion neither should you be. In this age of targets, testing measuring, in health and schooling, professionals are being deskilled and might rely on tick scores for referral. This both causes unnecessary referrals and alarm and also has the potential to miss something, many good health visitors can walk into a room of playing babies and a little alarm bell might raise a question. Without the need for bits of paper and scorecards. As Mum, you need to put these tests into context as you will be bombarded by them at school, SATS etc. They are not and never will be the important bits. Enjoy your baby, have fun, and follow your own instincts. You know your baby better than anyone else, you are the expert. Rarely are mothers wrong when they listen to their gut feelings. Please don't torture yourself with Dr., Google just keep a gentle eye on your baby and speak up if you are worried.

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