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My son wants to be a girl.(13 Posts)
From the age of 2 my son has wanted to be a girl ( now 7). He'd always want to wear nighties to bed and girls clothes, he'd even wear princess dresses to nursery and play with dolls which I was ok with at that age. Over the years he's become more and more obsessed with wanting to be a girl, his fascination in women's clothing and styles are something else he's so creative. A few years ago we tried to get him out of it, we put a lock on my wardrobe and my eldest daughters wardrobe because he was constantly in them raiding through our clothes, but this didn't stop him. Here's where the creative part comes in.. with the locks on the wardrobes he thought of other ways to dress up he'd get a pair of shorts and put both legs through one hole and tucked the other in so it looked like a skirt, he would then get a T-shirt and put one arm through then tuck the other in to make it off shoulder top and for the hair he would use pyjama bottoms he'd put his head through the waist bit so the legs would dangle down, or roll them up and tie them with hair bands so to have buns. He talks like a girl and walks like one, he finds it hard interacting with other children when out and about especially in school. He's always stuck to the same girl friends he's had since nursery I think this may be because he's not comfortable with who he is?? I don't know! As soon as he gets home from school uniform is straight off ( which takes an hour to convince him to put on in the morning because he doesn't like wearing trousers or shirts ) then straight in to an outfit that he's come up with then on goes the hair ( pyjama bottoms or a top ). When he goes round his friends houses to play he'll even strip there and put on one of their dresses and visa versa when his friends come here he's straight in to "Britney". My mum thinks it's hilarious as do most of the family which I get but the things he says to me really upsets me he once looked at me with tears in his eyes and said it's my fault I made him a boy when I should have made him a girl and that he's been born the wrong baby. I know kids say things all the time but that upset me and began thinking it's not a phase that he's going through. We've even been down the whole route of him being upset because he wants to get pregnant when he's older as in carrying the baby which I've said it's not possible he was devastated by this. His nan ( my mum ) said to him a few weeks ago to become a girl he would need his willy chopped off. I don't think she realises the extent of his wish to be a girl she kind of just shrugs it off as if he's just playing around. A few nights a go I caught him in the bathroom about to take a pair of scissors to his willy. I genuinely feel like I'm alone in this his dad only sees him on a Sunday for a few hours or sometimes has him Saturday through to Sunday, he's always had a go at me as if I encourage him to be girly, that is not the case at all I've tried so hard but I can't force him to want to play with boys toys or even act like one. His dads girlfriend has had to have a talk with him on my behalf that our son is who he is and it's not fair for him to hide the fact that he wants to dress up as a girl when he is around them too. But I can't tell him the extent our son wants to go to because he would not understand and place all the blame on me. My friend is getting married next week and he has his heart set on wearing a dress, he's never worn one in public before. Im not sure how I feel about it because if I let him then he'll want to start wearing dresses to school too. I'm going to make a doctors appointment for this week and see if there's any help in what to do for the best. Could this be a phase or is he seriously wanting to transition? I'll love him either way but I'm worried that other people and children will laugh and make fun of him I don't want that for him because he is so sensitive and finds it hard making friends as it is. I just don't know what to do?
Let him live as a girl, if he is still doing it at age 8 or 9 take him to the doctor, get a referral to a psychologist and investigate getting puberty blockers (so that if he wants to be female permanently he has the chance to go through female puberty). He doesn't have to go through female puberty right away, the doctors will probably want him to wait until age 15 or 16 to make sure that he is really sure. It will be too late to have this chance if he starts to go through male puberty.
If it's just a phase and he stops wanting to do this age 12 or something worst case scenario he just has done embarrassing childhood photos. If it isn't a phase, by not addressing it asap (getting him on puberty blockers before puberty starts) he will have a harder time passing as female and a worse life outcome. And also a miserable childhood if his family and everyone he knows are denying his identity.
Right now just continue as you are, let him wear what he likes, this is pretty normal at 7.
You might want to look at the resources on transgendertrend.
Have you watched TV programme Butterfly? It's about a boy wanting to transition, the story line is very similar to what you're describing. Worth a watch
Butterfly is very pro mermaids, which has got a lot of bad press lately.
I guess so. I found it initially very thought provoking but then it escalated. There was a scene of the boy wanting to cut his penis off which OP described her son doing, that's what made me make a connection
Perhaps he sees you and your daughter and with so little interaction with his father he decided it's better to be a girl? My son is only 3 and loves playing with lipstick and dressing up in his sisters clothes, but I think it's more that's what he's around and he wants to be like us, but when DH is about he throws the stuff off and wants to be like him. Could you suggest a non-gendered item for him for the wedding? Girls don't always wear dresses, generally they just wear jeans and a tshirt , perhaps you could explain that? They don't wear pink all the time or skirts or makeup. At 7 there probably isn't a huge difference in clothing apart from motifs on tops (more cats and horses than dogs) and the cut of jeans.
Maybe a pale pink polo shirt and some kind of jeggings? Acceptable for a boy but feminine.
Is he year 2 or year 3? I only ask because even in that short space of time there's a leap in terms of maturity, interests etc so it may well be a phase. Even so, let him carry on as he is and it'll either stop naturally or you could investigate transitioning properly.
I feel for you as it really seems like you’re in a difficult and emotional situation.
I suspect that fact that he doesn’t see him father often and therefore lacking a male role model is causing this. He lives in a “girly” household and therefore is influenced by this. I know a male friend who is effeminate (but straight) and he had s similar upbringing and he had similar issues growing up.
I do believe it’s a phase...If you let it be a phase. I think if you start mentioning the possibility of being able to transition it will start sticking in his head and he may want to do so. Giving him puberty shots etc is a massive deal as they can alter him forever and cause him to become sterile- imagine if it’s just a phase!
I would not mention the possibility of transitioning. Perhaps avoid applying makeup infont of him and avoid very feminine clothes. He probably feels jealous that you and your daughter has this feminine bond he is not apart of.
In regards to the wedding, you can take him suit shopping, let him feel involved. Perhaps a pink suit and snazzy bow tie? Show him male clothes can be fun too.
Good luck, I’m sure you will love your son regardless but just tread carefully as it’s probably a phase.
Hi baconsarnies, I hope you don’t mind me continuing this thread but while searching online I came across your post which could have been written by me! The main difference is that his dad is at home and although my son is fairly disinterested, he does try to engage him in more traditional boys activities. Last year he told what he wanted more than anything was to be a girl. My heart dropped my stomach flipped, I thought this isn’t just a phase. The other day he asked if you can go to the hospital to have an operation to be a girl. I said well yes you can but it’s not very nice as they would have to chop your willy off! He looked thrilled that this would be possible! I love this child and will stand by him and support him whatever but my husband is so traditional i find it really hard to talk to him. I guess I just wanted to see how things are going with you now and how your son is and maybe find someone who I could talk to about this...
Hope you’re well and happy
Does he want to be a girl or does he want to wear some clothes and do some things which you class as girls?
My son used to say he wanted to be a girl because he wanted long hair and he wanted to wear a dress and he liked sparkly pink things.
So I told him those things aren't what make someone a girl and that if he wants to do those things he can, as a boy.
Once he realised he could do all these "girl" things because they're just things he stopped saying he wanted to be a girl.
I'm not saying this is 100% the issue but I do think a lot of the time the issue isn't the kids wanting to change their gender. Its that they're constantly being told that some things are what girls do or some clothes are for girls. Then when they really want to do those things or wear those clothes they think well I must be a girl then.
Teach him he can wear whatever he wants and that you can't "talk like a girl" or "walk like a girl"
You just talk and walk.
When kids at school used to tell my son he had girls hair when it was long we taught him a simple phrase.
"This is my hair. I am a boy. That means it's boys hair."
He now says this to anyone who tells him he has girls hair.
Choose your words wisely when speaking to him and about him. See how things move on from that simple step.
Thank you so much for your lovely reply. He has been asked at school if he was a girl and he has said no I’m a boy so you may well be right. He only once asked if he could turn into a girl because he does like sparkly dresses and long hair. Yesterday he spent all day in a dress and asked his dad if he liked it. He said it was a nice dress but said he wasn’t so sure he likes it on him. He didn’t want to lie but we know we don’t want to make him feel bad about it.
He seems a very happy child and I’ve told him I’ll love him whatever he wears or whatever he wants to do.
Thanks again for your advice it’s really helpful