DS suspected asd,adhd has aggressive meltdowns, how do you handle the shame?

[staydazzling]

genuine question, for those dealing with high functioning children on any spectrum?? who have aggressive meltdowns, my ds 7yrs had one today whilst walking home, aswell as the obvious I am so deeply ashamed, all that goes round in my head is how many people saw, any ppl i knew? how judgmental were they? the shame etc because he is so HF presenting it preoccupied me that ppl will just see violent child,useless mum and i can never get passed it.

[JiltedJohnsJulie]

Stay one thing I was told years ago was that people will look if a baby or child is crying or shouting but you don't know what they are thinking.

If you don't know what they're thinking, you can't know they are judging

[staydazzling]

thankyou ill try and keep that in mind

[Kleinzeit]

My DS is all grown up now.... but if I walked past I would just think "been there, done that"

The thing that helped me most was talking to other parents going through the same things. I met them at ASC parent support groups and when I took DS to therapy groups. These days there are other parents on the MumsNet Special Needs boards too. And knowing that we were all handling situations that most parents never even have to think about with their own kids. You are the expert on your DS's condition and if you don't always know what to do then those random judgy parents don't know any better either. We are the Extreme Parents! You can be proud of what you are doing for your DS

[staydazzling]

thankyou klein, its like a taboo subject sometimes i feel.

[staydazzling]

sorry to bump this DS had yet another meltdown, an aggressive one feel so low and useless,

[Goldmandra]

Working really hard to identify triggers helped us.

Also a book called The Red Beast. You can get it from Amazon.

[Geneticsbunny]

The explosive child by Ross green really helped me. It starts off from the position that all children want to be good and be loved and when they aren't behaving it is only because they are not able to. Made me feel lots less guilty and lots less cross.

[staydazzling]

thanks for the replies, yes ross green is good. I do know his triggers , but are sometimes unavoidable, like today he went zooming on his scooter front end crept into the road i grabbed it he refused to come back and started biting me

[Amoregentlemanlikemanner]

I'm sorryx. I know what it is to be ashamed about something in your own family.

there are more people out there who get it than you think.

wish I could say more.

Shame is an awful emotion and it can block you from doing other things you want to do to help him. It can isolate you. So I'd see if there's anyone professional you can talk to.

[IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere]

Just to pick up on the title of your post - how do you handle the shame? I want to say that I never judge someone whose child is having a meltdown and don't know anyone else who does (although I am sure that people do) so please don't feel that everyone is judging you for his behaviour.

Could I ask the OP and anyone else whose child has meltdowns - in an ideal world what could someone do to help? Does it help if someone speaks to you and offers help or if someone just makes eye contact?

[staydazzling]

Amoregentleman, tbh just personally for me completely ignore and be in different i mean sometimes help could be needed but staring never helps.

[IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere]

I didn't mean I would stand and stare until someone made eye contact :-) I just wondered whether there is anything that would help you or any other mum.

[staydazzling]

aw no i know ur post was meant kindly im not sure tbh never thought about it, you hear ppl in shops being really helpful but its hard to say inthe street.