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Being called a bad parent by partner because of dd behaviour!

(12 Posts)
dontknowwhatnametochoose Tue 29-Jan-19 14:26:23

My partner is really making me annoyed about this.

My dds behaviour has been bad since me and her dad split. Originally he told her to be naughty for me. Now he apparently tells her to behave, but her behaviour has got worse over time. 4 years to be precise. My partner keeps saying Ive done a bad job with her because of how she behaves etc. But the truth is, I haven't. She was well behaved before I got into another relationship (once we had dealt with the issue of her dad telling her to misbehave) and has been naughtier since we moved in together. In the beginning she was ok with it, got on with him and had fun. But now they get on rarely, and she's got bad attitude and is very lazy. What can I do to help the situation? And solve it?

If I ask her to help out around the house she says why can't he he never does anything... true, but he works. We get into arguments about this so often. She's almost a teen.

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Booboostwo Tue 29-Jan-19 15:13:25

She's clearly having a problem with your relationship and with living with your partner. I think you need to give more details about the bad behaviour, her feelings towards your partner, your relationship with your partner, etc.

goldengummybear Tue 29-Jan-19 18:21:52

She has a point with the comment about tidying. Working doesn't mean you don't have to do chores. She goes to school (6 hours + per day) which is more than some working adults.

goldengummybear Tue 29-Jan-19 18:22:50

I'm not saying that she shouldn't do chores btw. She should do a fair amount but I understand why she might be annoyed with your partner doing none

dontknowwhatnametochoose Tue 29-Jan-19 19:49:40

It's mainly her attitude. She answers back, doesn't listen all the time, would rather play games/youtube than do anything else. She's lazy, doesn't put effort into most things, even her school work recently. But I aren't condoning my partner not helping out with the chores because it really bugs me that he used that excuse. I work too, yet had to clean the whole house. He does things when he feels he has to.. such as if I leave things for ages which I hate doing but try to make a point and he just doesn't get it. I work from home so he feels because I'm here all day I should do it all.

My daughter and him have same interests except one or two things. Like the same music etc but he is more strict with punishment than me such as phone confiscated for a long long period of time etc. I think she's maybe missing me and her time. But I keep telling her to get that and rewards such as us doing all the things we used to she needs to be good- which doesn't last long.

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Booboostwo Tue 29-Jan-19 20:07:17

I think you should try and make some time, every day if possible, for just the two of you to do something special together. And this time should be protected, so that she can never lose it as punishment for bad behaviour.

It is also worth talking with your partner to make sure you both give consistent and similar punishments for bad behaviour, otherwise she will come to resent the person who is stricter.

The chores issue is a tough one. Basically your partner is lazy and your DD can see that which gives her both a bad example and a reason to be resentful. For everyone’s sake he should start pulling his wright with household chores.

dontknowwhatnametochoose Tue 29-Jan-19 20:44:27

@Booboostwo thanks I think your right. I will try make time for just us two each day and see how we get on.

However I do know the chores bit won't change at all, his mind clearly doesn't work the same way mine does, I hate things being out of place- he never puts anything back where it's meant to be no matter how many times I say. So I'm just going to have to set the example on my own and get her to follow my lead and leave him to it. My parents were the same, mum would do everything and dad wouldn't do anything to help out. Maybe I may have to get her back into doing a sports or dance group again to boost her energy up and make her less lazy too.

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JiltedJohnsJulie Wed 30-Jan-19 17:59:21

Have you tried asking your DP to do specific things? My DH would probably never do anything of his own accord but if I ask him to do something like hoover and dust the living room, he'll do it.

dontknowwhatnametochoose Wed 30-Jan-19 22:09:37

@JiltedJohnsJulie tried that, never works. Tried subtly hinting, doesn't work. Nothing works, he just sees it as he never saw his dad do anything around the house his mum did it all and never complained so why do I complain. I don't even mind doing all the cleaning, it's the fact they can't even put a wrapper in the bin after themselves, milk and cereal away after making breakfast (if they make their own) and things like this they basically don't maintain anything I clean, I can have the house spotless then he'll come in put his stuff all over the kitchen sides shoes and jumper off in the living room chucked on the floor... making mess as they're always dirty due to his job!

Dd has eye sight problem, may be some form of reason for her behaviour. Been to get it checked out and have to see a hospital about it. So wondering if that's the reason for laziness at school, with homework etc. Obviously not an excuse for her bad behaviour though, that's through her own choice!

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JiltedJohnsJulie Wed 30-Jan-19 22:53:33

I think the first thing you need to sort out is your DP. Do you both work full time? Are you doing his washing and cooking? If so, I'd just stop.

When my DH first moved in I put anything he left lying around in a box. If he couldn't find anything I just told him to check the box. As the box got fuller and he took longer to find his stuff he suddenly realised it was much easier to put things away.

I'd have a chat with him and ask him what he's willing to do cooking and cleaning wise. Not seeing his Dad do anything is no excuse to treat you badly.if he won't do anything, stop doing things for him.

You're not going to get your DD to do much while he's doing sweet fa and do you really want to teach her that it's ok for men to do nothing but as a woman she must clean up for not only herself but do his share to?

Booboostwo Thu 31-Jan-19 07:36:42

I think you mainly have a DH problem. He learnt a type of sexist behaviour from his parents, he is practicing it and teaching it to your DD. I don’t think you can teach your DD better if you give her such a poor example, that is if you to,erase your DH’s laze, irresponsible and sexist approach to housework.

dontknowwhatnametochoose Thu 31-Jan-19 20:23:46

That's true. I've tried leaving things for long, but it bugs me so much. If I'm poorly he will do everything, washing, cleaning, washing up, cooking. But when I'm well he will do nothing except the odd bit of washing up/washing.

We both work full time. I've done all the house today (he's working away but back at the weekend) going to see how long the clean house lasts!

Dd been better today, following instructions, listening helping out in bits. So bonus here. Don't know if it's because I took her out last night just us, or if it's her changing! Only time will tell...

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