DS (nearly 4) won't participate in stuff and is shy. Have I ballsed up somewhere?

[fillyjonk]

He won't do anything involving a group, really.

If he WILL his behaviour is often utterly OTT, running around madly and showing off and so on.

He is fine and lovely with kids he knows well, MUCH better still with adults he knows well.

I am sad about this. It means he is missing out on stuff. Eg he is bloody good at football. I thought it would be a real confidence boost for him to go and do very low key "lessons" (its bascially about 10 kids playing football with a very nice young man). I sit 10 feet away and WATCH fgs.

But now he has decided he doesn't want to do it anymore because some of the boys in the group have changed.

I am actually getting bloody impatient with him, if I am honest. I KNOW I shouldn't, and am trying not to show it, but he won't do anything that puts him in an unfamiliar social situation. I am a bit worried because his father is incredibly shy, but I am not and its me he spends most of his time with.

[melpomene]

That does sound frustrating about the football class, but he is still very young and there are a lot of children that age who are insecure and/or clingy in new situations.

My dd1 is similar - she can get very quiet and clingy in new situations or large groups and needs time to warm up.

I think it's important to avoid labelling a child as 'shy', as it then becomes a vicious circle. Concentrate on boosting his confidence by praising his interactions with other people - eg praising how well he plays with friends, or even praising him if he says 'hello' nicely to someone he has just met.

Maybe he needs to watch for a while before he joins in. It could take a few sessions sitting on the sidelines at the football before he's ready to participate.

[fillyjonk]

thanks, thats the sort of thing i want to hear

there is some seriously odd reclusive behaviour in the extended family. we are talking going into a darkened room for weeks at a time to avoid the postman type thing.

the thing is, this ISN'T a new situation. there were a couple of new kids in the class, thats all. He'd even PLAYED with them beforehand. but as soon as there was a circle of kids sitting, he refuses to sit in it.

[jackie2kids]

My DS is the same age and would hate the football class also.

He is fine with a group he knows and will play with kids he doesn't know individually but hates groups.

I'm expecting a tricky time when he starts school.

[hairycaterpillar]

My DS1 same age totally the same...I also find it incredibly frustrating at times as feel he can miss out and folk don't see the lovely chatty outgoing wee fellow he is at home or with folk he is comfortable with. I find people are quick to label him shy/difficult and negatively compare him to his outgoing smiley younger sister (which annoys me ALOT!).
I try to still involve him in activities which I think he'll enjoy and praise him loads if he does join in (even in the tiniest way)...and if he's a major cling-on I try and grit my teeth and be fairly breezy "oh well...shame to have missed out but we'll try again next time". On a few occasions I've talked to him about being disappointed...cause often HE is if he cant build up the courage to take part in group activities...and vice versa if he does his confidence and pride is evident!

They're still young and it's no crime to be shy/anxious. try and enjoy him for who he is not what his friends are or what you want him to be like...easier said than done in reality I know!

[bozzy]

Funnily enough I was talking to my DS nursery teacher about his shyness.. he is 4 in August and has a very outgoing little sister. I think this doesn't help but he does find it difficult to talk - he is very bright - knows his numbers, letters, sounds etc. but when people talk to him, he just ignores them ( I think it is because he doesn't know how to say things so he avoids the situation by saying nothing). He also is very shy of new people/children and clings unless he is in a familiar situation. The main advice was to not be negative around him (ie to sympathise with him if he is not sure of his surroundings) and to do familiar things with him (ie take him to the same places) to reduce any anxiety he has (ie so he sees the same people etc). He is very confident around his friends that he grew up with (from birth until 3) but we have now moved overseas and he doesn't have any close friends yet... so I am working on that too!!

[3littlefrogs]

He is very young.

My ds1 was just like this - it seems to be very common in first children, and in boys who have older sisters. Try to relax and let him get used to situations at his own pace, let him do the things he enjoys. Ds1 hated birthday parties until he was about 7. Hated cubs, hated any sort of group activities - I used to really worry about him.

He is 18.5 now and is constantly partying, very outgoing and confident, loves dancing, is very sociable and has loads of friends.

HTH

[shimmy]

My ds2 is 8 and has always been like this too. Great to hear that he could turn into an 18 yr old like yours 3LF.

Just to say I've found that ds often gets very nervous before any social type activity but I've learnt that if I gently but firmly say that he has to do it (I usually make an excuse about needing to do something so he has to stay for just a little while) then within minutes he's enjoying himself. It's the getting him there that takes the cunning!

[SarahOK]

Try something like Drama. I had a very shy DS and took him to a group called Perform and it has made a huge amount of difference. They are used to very shy children and the teachers are just great. I left him in tears (it was so hard) but when I came back, he was just loving it and 18 months later, he's like a changed child.

They've got branches all over London and the South-East - www.perform.org.uk.