Feel broken by my 9 month old

[Gigis]

Just that really. I feel utterly defeated from the second she wakes to when I go to bed. She will not nap, she crawls around the room screaming because she's overtired but also too stimulated. I've tried switching tv and lights off and giving her milk and she fights me, literally writhes out of my arms. I've tried putting her in a sleeping bag and treating nap time like bed time to see if it helps but she just pulls herself up in her cot and cries until I come back. Yesterday we went for a 2.5 hour walk just to get her 30 minutes of sleep and I can't face doing that again today. The other day I did 3 car rides just to get her to nap but each nap only lasted 20 minutes or so. She has never slept through, not once. She still wakes for a feed around 3 (and seems to need it before people suggest giving it up) and then she'll stay awake for an hour or so before falling asleep. I've just broken up on Christmas holiday and I feel so hopeless - I'm a teacher and this term has really taken it out of me and now being at home with her again is no break either. Her nursery has hinted that she's very demanding, rarely naps and just wants to do everything for herself. I wondered if there was a behavioural/developmental thing at this stage that people have tips for? I don't hold much truck with the wonder weeks (it's never matched up before and I find it all quite wishy washy tbh) but now she's sapping all my enjoyment of anything, I'll take any advice.

[mude]

Saaaaaaaame. We just got through an illness (coughing inducing vomit multiple times a day) and I'm so broken I've handed in my notice at work 🤗. Here for company, not advice I'm afraid

[Gigis]

Company is just as good! We're just strapping her into the car seat again and about to go on another fucking aimless drive just to get her to sleep. Fingers crossed!

[Gigis]

Reread your message - I'm also considering handing in my notice. How do you feel about giving notice, did you enjoy maternity leave?

[mude]

I also have a 2.5 YO, so mat leave was HARD but tbh I feel like my (just turned) 10 month old was just getting better and settling down and my 2YO finally forgave me for having another baby and stopped rejecting me in favour of my husband (heartbreaking) when I returned to work 2 months ago, then it all went to shit again because I went back to work full time. Feels odd not to work but I feel it's what suits my children best. Fingers crossed it works out ok

[Confusedbeetle]

Gigis you need some help with sleep management. Children who find it hard to drop off to sleep are often fractious and exhausted. You should start with the naps. Can you find someone with sleep management experience locally? Some Health Visitors are good at it, others not. Once you have sorted the naps move on to bedtime. The rest will eventually fall into place. Behavioural change takes time and effort ( not easy when you are tired) and there are no quick fixes ( avoid hardline and controlled crying) You really need a mentor to do this

[surreygirl1987]

Can you afford a sleep consultant? Not the same situation at all and I can't pretend to understand yours, but I had a terrible time with my overtired bsby until a sleep consultant helped me get him to nap... now he's transformed! I'm sorry it's so tough for you right now x

[Gigis]

What's a sleep consultant and where do I find one? Would they have to sleep over, we don't really have space for people to stay. Awake since 1.40. I just want to rewind to before I got pregnant and never have children

[surreygirl1987]

I'm so sorry you feel that way! I felt a bit like thay a few werks ago. No, a sleep consultant wouldn't necessaruly have to stay over although some do offer that for a price. The one I used offers thst but also offers telephone and email services - that's what I used. I paid £120 for 3 phonecalls plus emails over a month-long period. She's called The Blissful Baby Expert (Lisa Clegg) amd I'd highly recommend her based on my son's transformation but I'm sure there are other really good ones too.
I'm a teacher too and I know how tough this autumn term can be. You need the holidays to recharge so I'm not surprised you're struggling. Hang in there x

[Gigis]

Merry Christmas! Thank you for the tip - excellent news that she wouldn't need to stay over, I'll hopefully get a chance to contact her between Christmas and New Year.

[Gigis]

Me again, back with the ever awake 9 month old who is now teething and utterly inconsolable (both of us).

Oh god, this will never end and my child will still wake up in the night when she's 30 won't she? And she has no teeth yet anyway, despite the drooling and crying and the bloody barstarding apps saying she should have three or four by now. I'm going to end up being a mother to a toothless, insomniac 30 year old. Where's the gin?!

[Goldmandra]

This takes me back.

Nobody believed how bad it was but it damned nearly broke me. If it helps at all my insomniac baby did start sleeping through eventually and I occasionally remind her of her tyranny as I kick her 21 year old student self out of bed mid-morning :)

You will survive

[Gigis]

It is truly hell. I am so angry so much of the time, an absolute blinding rage that I can't stop. My relationship with my husband has pretty much totally broken down, I am vile to him. Weve become that awful cliche of a couple who snipe at each other and will stay togeher for the school years but then once shes 18 split up. What a waste of our 20s. I'm not cut out for this - we get So much help with both our parents offering to watch her and let us nap at weekends etc. But it's never enough to stop the anger. And I feel hopeless, I need several nights uninterrupted sleep to get back to normal I think - two or three hours, as grateful as I am to be offered them, seems so pointless sometimes when it all gets wasted.

[Goldmandra]

I remember those feelings so well. I also remember that I was diagnosed with PND when DD was 8 months old. I thought it was sleep deprivation and PMT but I was wrong. Could it be the same for you?

[Gigis]

I really feel it is sleep deprivation, not PND. On the rare nights when she's only woken once and I've managed to get back to sleep within the hour I feel so much better, though think damage is done in regards to dh. We're more like roommates who have to live together rather than because they want to; mostly my fault as it turns out im a vile cow on no sleep: piling on weight, zero interest in sex and hissing foul insults as my husband bounces our screaming monster round the room trying to soothe her.

It's just the recent run of horrendous nights that's magnified how awful I'm finding it all. Everything is worse with no sleep, isn't it. It's why I wondered if it was a developmental thing as it's gotten so much worse recently. I had hoped people would say things like 'oh yes at 9 months mine had 3 terrible nights, then suddenly learnt a new skill and slept through!' Still no teeth yet either.

Venting here has helped though. Just writing the thoughts out helps not feel like it's all festering. Only 17 years and 3 months left!

[surreygirl1987]

Gigis- I really feel for you. Get a sleep consultant. Apologise to your husband. Accept the help from family and go out to a hotel or somewhere and just SLEEP. The relationship thing can end up being a
vicious spiral. I did my fair share of sniping and being vile to my husband recently- I had no other way of venting and obv couldn't take it out on the baby though I was do angry with him. Apologise and talk about it and hopefully you'll both feel better by taking positive actions to improve things. It's just survival at the moment but it WILL get better.

[AladdinMum]

It does sound tough but not extreme, it actually sounds quite typical. Most infants don't nap after two years but can be much earlier. For example, my youngest dropped napping completely from six months old and never sleep a full night until he turned three years old (not even one), of course today it's the opposite, I need to call him multiple times to get him out of bed! while some mothers are more lucky than others when it comes to their babies sleeping your description sounds very familiar and quite typical, but it does (eventually) get better! there are a million and one sleep training techniques you could try but nothing worked for me.

[mude]

Omg we really could be twins 😂 sorry I disappeared for a while there. I'm exactly the same with my husband. Every night when the baby is asleep I apologise because j know I'm being awful to him, and vow to not repeat the same thing that night. But then the baby wakes, the red mist of rage descends on me and I take it out on my husband. I also have family offering naps which I am so grateful for.. but I just want to be a normal human being who can sleep at night and then get on with my day as normal. I feel so hopeless as there is nothing I can do

[AriadneThread]

Ohhhh yeah all totally familiar. And totally normal I think. Mine is 14m now and I wished I could turn the clock back every day for at least the first 9 months; the rage was something else. I very rarely have anyone to take baby from me so I can nap, but if I do, I bite their hand off. How much is DH doing ? We do half each of the night work as is only fair. Please don't write your relationship off based on probably the most horrendous and stressful time you will ever go through. Personally I was about to have a nervous breakdown so went back to work at 9 months and wouldn't give that up for the world. Far easier than looking after a baby.
Self care. Self love. Grit, perseverance, hope. You can do it.

[Gigis]

Sorry to disappear for a bit there. I've shown my husband the sleep consultant but he's dubious and wants to try some gentle sleep training ourselves first. Our baby is at nursery already so I wondered if being away for the holidays has also exacerbated the sleep because she's out of her routine. We're going to try some sleep training first and then if it's unsuccessful contact the blissful sleep expert, thanks for the recommendation @surreygirl

Hope things improve soon @mude, I also apologise ever night and for some reason despite another crap night I actually managed to not snipe so much. Fingers crossed it continues

[surreygirl1987]

Yeh to be honest you can find all the info a sleep consultant will give you in a book anyway- the benefit I suppose is if the book techniques aren't working, you've got personalised advice of what to try next. It's a backup plan for you anyway. I really do hope things get easier for you. Good luck to you!

[mude]

Update:
My baby is fixed
He has slept through the night for the past 2 weeks, a few times has woken once and gone back to sleep with a bum pat

(aware this may just be a phase too but I'll enjoy it while it lasts)

Hope you're doing ok OP

[mude]

Update: it was a phase after all 🤗