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DD being referred to educational psychologist

(11 Posts)
Catslater29 Fri 14-Dec-18 23:31:46

Hi everyone,

I’m looking for some advice about my dd. She almost 5 and in nursery 5 afternoons per week. She’s been in the same nursery since her 3rd birthday.

The nursery commented on how emotional she was last year but never really done anything further. A couple of months ago they asked if I would come in for a chat about how she was getting on. They started off with...she’s lovely girl, very funny and full of energy and then started dropping in ...she has a funny accent....she mostly plays with boys....she doesn’t like doing as she’s told etc. I didn’t really know what point they were making until they suggested she is referred to the educational phycologist. I’ve asked them if they think something more serious is going on with her behaviour but they don’t give much’s very frustrating...they also say she struggles taking turns but is getting better at sharing.

Outwith nursery dd is generally a happy child, she sleeps and eats well. She has a wide range of vocabulary in comparison to her peers, she does have a slight accent but it’s not put on, this is how she talks, it’s also getting less noticeable as she gets older. She’s very active, loves running about. She used to run away from me in shops or when we are out but is getting more cautious as she gets older and will mostly hold my hand, she talks very loudly all the time, she’s loving, very funny and will tell a joke to anyone who’ll listen. She openly strikes up conversations with strangers. She likes to win and sometimes goes in a huff if she doesn’t win. But not always.

Are these behaviours cause for concern or do they sound like a normal pre schooler? She seems to struggle much more are nursery than home. We don’t have a structured life and often do spontaneous things and she doesn’t bat an eyelid yet they tell me in nursery she gets very upset when things change.

So sorry for the really long post! I would appreciate any similar experiences and maybe how your children are now?


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Catslater29 Fri 14-Dec-18 23:34:23

I should add that she quite often completely ignores us, she can hear us because if I say oh well I’ll just eat these sweeties on my own she soon answers.....

She is also very very stubborn and if she doesn’t want to do something it can be very difficult to talk her into doing it. She has an open plan free play nursery so basically has very little structure to it. I don’t think this is helping.

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BackforGood Sat 15-Dec-18 00:34:09

Why is she still in Nursery if she is about to turn 5?
Is this really only the 2nd time they have mentioned any concerns if she has been there nearly 2 years?
Only, in our LA, it takes a lot of evidence gathering and a high criteria of need to be able to be referred to an EP. Many of the surrounding LAs don't even have EPs involved Pre-school.

but they don’t give much away......
Nursery staff are often quite cautious when they start to talk to parents about their concerns around a child. Parents can react in very different ways.

You've mentioned twice that her speech is unusual - yes, that might be an indication of a concern. You've also mentioned that she quite often completely ignores us - again, on it's own, perhaps something to work on with her, but, as part of a list of concerns, it is worth investigating.
they tell me in nursery she gets very upset when things change. This is another indicator that - on it's own, would be something to work on at Nursery - there are a few strategies they could put in place to help her, but, if it is part of a list of concerns, contributes to a wider picture of her development.
The nursery commented on how emotional she was last year What was your response at the time to that? It is a possibility that they have been working on that in the meantime.
they also say she struggles taking turns but is getting better at sharing This is a perfectly normal stage for all children - a big part of what they learn at Nursery, so, for them to raise it as a concern, suggests it is more of an issue with her than their "average" 3 or 4 year old.
This phrase :^She openly strikes up conversations with strangers.^ could indicate a confident child who has always seen parents modelling talking to people and being friendly or it could indicate a lack of social awareness - it is difficult for us to know, but it is interesting that you have mentioned it as a thing which is noticeable about her.
Why don't you think an 'open plan, free play nursery {which has} very little structure' isn't helping and yet you say you 'We don’t have a structured life and often do spontaneous things'. If you think 'structure' is important it seems odd you prefer to live spontaneously ?

Overall though, the Nursery see lots of children every year. They will have experience and evidence that there are things about your dd that sit outside the 'usual norms' for her age and are suggesting getting someone with more training and experience in to offer some advice.
Yes there are things from your list, that, when added together would have me asking a lot more detail, but, equally, most of them, on their own, fall in to the bounds of 'nothing to be concerned about'. Of course, you are telling us about what you see at home where you are 1:1 with her and not in any kind of structured environment. Children are often quite different in a group setting.

Catslater29 Sat 15-Dec-18 07:10:20

She will turn 5 at the end of February and in Scotland you can defer school entry if they turn 4 between the 1st Jan and 28th February so I chose to defer along with many of the other parents with children who’s birthday fall in this period. I didn’t defer for any particular reason other than I felt she would have a better chance at school if she started a year later. She also has shown no interest in learning to read or write when I had to register (she was only 3 at the time) she is now asking to read and regularly tries to write in note pads.

Yes this really is only the 2nd time they mentioned it. The first time they mentioned it they said she was very emotional and they struggled to soothe her at times but I put it down to a change in groups and new key worker. They didn’t seem too concerned.

With regards to the nursery open plan lack of structure, I mean she gets to do whatever she wants. She loves playing with other kids and is allowed to fleet from activity to activity, indoors/outdoors (whatever the weather) sand/water arts then the only structure. So getting to do whatever she wants with no one ever telling her “no” so when she is told “no” at home or at the end of the day in nursery she gets upset. When I said we don’t have a structured life at home I meant rigid timings or eating the same meals on a timetable, different people collect her from nursery etc.

I think my main worry is that she seems to be struggling in nursery, I don’t know how’s shes going to be in school and I don’t want her to spend her days crying. I also worry that the nursery are really creating an issue and giving her special treatment, ie if she doesn’t want to tidy up she gets to sit in the book area which she probably sees as a treat. I just wish I could see 5 years into the future as I’m really worried about her :-( I don’t know what I should be doing?

OP’s posts: |
Catslater29 Sun 16-Dec-18 22:46:59

Does anyone have any experience of a child with similar traits? Or any advice?


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JiltedJohnsJulie Wed 19-Dec-18 20:57:15

I also worry that the nursery are really creating an issue and giving her special treatment. I think this could be why they have only mentioned their concerns twice to you. I think you need to be more accepting of what they are saying to you thanks

From what you’ve said, she’s ticking an awful lot of boxes for ASD and they’re doing the right thing in referring her.

Catslater29 Thu 20-Dec-18 11:46:13

Thanks for responding, I am completely accepting of what they are saying and their concerns hence my worry. I’ve been cooperative and listened to their concerns. What I don’t accept is them letting her do whatever she wants. If she doesn’t want to do something no one is telling her otherwise. An example from yesterday, the nursery were going to a Christmas event in the local school. She didn’t want to go so they didn’t take her. I don’t fully understand if this helps or hinders her behaviour? That is a genuine question.....

If I was going somewhere and she didn’t want to go she wouldn’t get the option and may protest for a minute but would then be absolutely fine. Should the nursery have given her no option and just taken her? Will letting her decide not enforce her behaviour and assume she can just do what she wants?

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JiltedJohnsJulie Thu 20-Dec-18 17:25:39

I think if that’s what you feel, you need to ask the Nursery exactly what happened over the trip. Bear in mind though that they have other children and if she’s causing a huge fuss they might not want to take her anyway, especially if she’s doing things like lashing out or is going to make them all late.

JiltedJohnsJulie Thu 20-Dec-18 17:45:15

It might be worth you posting in SN Chat too to see what shoukd happen at the appointment, what the process is for getting her assessed for ASD and if it is that, how to get a Statement that works for you thanks

Catslater29 Fri 21-Dec-18 20:55:02

Thanks, I didn’t get a chance to speak to her teacher until today. Apparently there was no fuss, she just said she didn’t want to go. She doesn’t lash out and in fact this week she has been ultra good and an absolute angel. It was all a bit hectic with everyone finishing for Christmas, nothing will be happening until January now so just going to enjoy some quality time with my kids and try out it out my mind for now.

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Catslater29 Fri 21-Dec-18 21:05:47

Also, I don’t know if she is being assessed for ASD because they haven’t ever said that and when I’ve asked them directly I get fobbed off. I go between thinking the nursery is being overly cautious and worrying over nothing. To thinking she’s never going to make proper friends and people are going to hate her. (All the kids and teachers love her!) Probably being melodramatic (which I am really not usually) but worry for her future. :-(

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