Dd being bullied - can you make your child less susceptible?

[pointydog]

I'm angry and hurt for her but we'll sort it out. (And I rarely use the word bullying but this is it.)

She's a very easy-going child around her peers, always wants things to run smoothly, always happy enough to volunteer for the things no one else really wants to do, (too much) respect for authority.

I suppose I worrying if she's maybe more likely than others to be bullied. Should I do anything to try to change her?

[cornsilk]

No, don't change her - it's not her fault. You could tell her what to do when she is bullied and make sure she knows what bullying actually is. Some bullying is quite subtle and kids don't always recognise it as such.

[Cammelia]

No, don't try to change her (I have one of those dd's).

Just make sure she realises its not her, its them

[pointydog]

Thanks cornsilk. You're right, it's not her fault. But I don't want it happening again after this is sorted. She knows this is bullying because it is very physical but I'll maybe talk more about subtle stuff

[cornsilk]

Hope it all works out pointydog. It's a horrible feeling when other chn are being mean to your kids.

[Tortington]

how old is she?

some kids just arn't built that way. i certainly wasn't and was constantly bullied. two of my three kids will stand up for themselves, but i have this lanky weedy one who just is one of @those@ kids. luckily he has a twin sister and older brother.

so i could advise you to tell her to hit back, some kids just can't - its not int hem to do so.

so short of martial arts - a bit of karate - i would make sure that the school is constantly badgered to keep on top of the situation, know the power system, know the complaints system, go there, be seen. and if its physical and they are over 10 i would involve the police actually.

[pointydog]

she's coming up for 11, custy. And no, she can't physically fight back, she'd be bloody hopeless. It's not school, though, it's guides of all things (yes, even I can see a slight funny side to that) but it's been pretty bad she just hasn't told us for weeks. Which is her way of doing things. But there have been a few things at school that have worried me a bit - not what I'd call bullying though at all.

In some ways, 'cause this is a voluntary out of school thing, it might be a good chance for us to work through things a bit, use it as an example.

[Cammelia]

Have you spoken to the guide leader ?

[cornsilk]

Have you told the leader?

[Cammelia]

I have a 10.5 year old dd who is a guide

[pointydog]

yes, I phoned her this evening as soon as I knew the details. They hadn't noticed anything - crikey, amazing how kicks, punches, headlocks ,trips can go as unnoticed as teh more subtle stuff but I suppose it's a rough and tumble sort of place.

I'm sure we can get this sorted one way or another. Just wondered if I could do something to toughen dd1 up a bit. But I think her character is lovely.

[Cammelia]

That's not acceptable, none of that stuff goes on at our guides (leader is pretty much in control sort of woman)

In fact I thought guides were going to talk about anti-bullying tactics to help girls with stuff going on at school?

[Countingthegreyhairs]

Not much help 'cos my dd's approaching 4 and so not much experience but just wanted to say sorry that your dd is going through this pointydog.

My dd is the same and has formed an intense "friendship" with another girl at her school who treats her horribly so I know what a worry it is. MY dd won't stand up for herself. (Slightly reassured to hear that this does seem to depend on individual child's character as I've been blaming myself for making her too subservient, too respectful, too 'nice' etc)

Agree that you should not try and change her because she is not at fault. But (apologies in advance if you're already doing this) could you try boosting her confidence by encouraging her to learn a special skill (dancing, horse-riding etc etc) where she gets to meet a new set of friends and her self-esteem gets boosted??

[frogs]

I posted a while ago about some issues my ds had with other boys in his class, and someone posted a link for an anti-bullying website bullies2buddies which I found quite helpful.

Its main focus is on empowering the child and suggesting strategies that might make them less vulnerable to being picked on. The theory is not that it's the victim's fault, but points out that there are ways a child can react that will help defuse the situation rather than entrench it.

[pointydog]

Thanks frogs. Did it help your ds?