How do I explain sex to my DD - Part 2

[Pesha]

I started a thread about how to tell my daughter about sex a couple of years ago when she was 4. After a bit of debate I worked through what I thought was right, bought a book called 'made with love', read her this a few times, answered her questions and all was fine.

She is now 6.7. I've recently had a baby and while I was pregnant she got the book out and read through it a few times again. Fine, no problems.

But this morning she said to me "Mummy what does it feel like when daddy does what he does to put a baby in you?" I had no idea what to say so I just said it feels ok and she said does it tickle and I answered kind of and then she got distracted by DS1 and has now gone to her dad's for the weekend.

But what do I say if she asks again as let's face it I didnt exactly answer her question for her? I was fine with her knowing the basic facts but this is abit more than that and I'm really not sure what to tell her but I dont want to just fob her off, I've always tried to be open and honest with her.

TIA

[Pesha]

Anyone?

[willywonka]

Not had to cross that bridge quite yet but was brought up with the "special cuddle" explanation which served me perfectly well until I was old enough to not want to ask my Mum too much more info anyway (parents + sex = + euw!)...

[FrannyandZooey]

I would say it feels lovely. I don't think there's anything wrong with her knowing that sex is something that adults do together that makes them happy.

[NotQuiteCockney]

I think saying it feels good, like eating when you're hungry.

[barney2]

My daughter is almost 9yrs old and so far...she's not really asked very much despite me having her younger sister 3yrs ago. I have bought a book called 'Mummy lays an egg' which is excellent and is designed for exactly this reason - what/how to tell your children about how babies are made.

TBH I'm waiting for her to ask me - it doesn't help that she has friends at school that know everything, and I mean EVERYTHING, and take great enjoyment in telling her little snippets and waiting to see what my dd knows/doesn't know.

I don't think there is anything worse than being at school and knowing nothing - it is quite embarrassing - I relied heavily on the Jackie magazine when I was a young girl to tell me all about the birds and bees!

I am going to wait for her to approach me and ask - I'm sure 'Mothers instinct' will tell me when the time is right to tell her and I will be as honest and open about it as I can and tell her she can come and talk to me about anything anytime.

[Moomin]

I'm planning to answer dd1's (5yo)questions whenever they arise but also to give a basic knowledge of stuff before it comes up through school as well, esp periods. She asked how dh's operation stopped me having a baby (his vasectomy!) earlier this year so we told her about the 'special cuddle' and she seemed fine with that. She's also been asking a lot about when and how people know that they want someone to be their boy/girlfriend or dh/dw.

I'll never forget the nightmare that was my periods though and I never want either of my dds to have to go through that. My mum died when I was 9 before I was told in a 'nice' way what they were and what to expect so it was a complete shock to watch our 'Living and Growing' programme at school. and when I did start I had a pack of towels my auntie had bought me but when they ran out I was too embarrassed to tell anyone, esp my dad and I used kitchen roll for 3 months and ended up blocking all the drains in the house. It was mortifying!

I also want both dds to feel able to approach dh or me about any of it. They're very close to their dad and he's very open to all-things-girly and won't bat an eyelid.

[barney2]

Oooh yes I remember when I started my periods...I was 13 at the time and I'm going back to the late 1970s. All I wanted was my Mum. I didn't know what was happening to me - I thought I'd hurt myself - I had absolutely no idea about periods etc.

She didn't know what to say to me so just handed me a packet of briefs with the plastic clips inside them, these huge great big towels with the loops on the end and a long piece of elastic!! The towels were so big I couldn't get my legs to go together and I could never the hang of the elastic and clips. I never did have a birds and bee chat with my Mum - I learnt more by reading the problem pages in the back of the Jackie magazine.

As a result I will tell my dd's all they need to know.

[ChasingSquirrels]

I would say that it is a nice feeling, that it is a special cuddle that grown-ups have when they love each other (obviously not everyone agrees with this, but personally I don't think it is a bad message to be giving a small child).

I know people hate special cuddle, but if you have explained the mechanics and so aren't using it as a euphasim then I don't see the problem, it IS a cuddle (of a sort) and it IS (or should be) special.

ds asked me the other day if it tickled, I said it was a bit like a tickle but it was a nice cuddly tickle, and he seemed happy with that.

On the subject - what do people say if they are if they can do it? He hasn't but am assuming it will come up.
I am thinking I will probably emphasise that it is a grown-up thing because childrens bodies aren't grown up enough to do it yet - maybe using a comparison I used the other day for something else, which was no teeth v teeth for babies and milk/food. But this isn't a great one cos he obviously has got a willy, albeit a pre-pubescent 4yo one.

[FrannyandZooey]

CS I think I would say that children's bodies are not ready to do it yet - the seeds etc don't get made until they are older and the eggs are not ready to join with the seed.

By the time he DOES start being capable of sexual activity he'll be old enough to have a discussion about the emotional and moral side of sex.

[elasticbandstand]

and emphasising the grownups love each other very much bit.

[FrannyandZooey]

I haven't done that bit

IME it is not always true, and I haven't yet found it necessary or relevant

[MarieCeleste]

I find that's the most difficult bit to talk about. I worry that my kids know the biological mechanics, but we don't talk that much about luuuurrrve.

[FrannyandZooey]

My ds is only 4, so a lot of this is still to come for me

I don't know, I don't really see the point of starting with sexual morality at this age - it means very little to him and tbh is not necessarily something that I believe. Sex for me has not always been with someone that I love very much, and I doubt that it would necessarily be like that for my children either. I would talk more about respect and taking care of yourself emotionally and physically throughout sexual relationships, I think.

I don't see love as necessarily going alongside sex all the time, and think that claiming that it does, could have the same effect as saying "all drugs are bad and nasty and will end up killing you". When children find out that it isn't true, they will tend to discount most of the other information you have given them, as well. What are the benefits of telling them that sex is something that adults only do with someone that they love very much? It isn't true, for a start.

[barney2]

My dd is almost 9. She hasn't even asked me about sex yet although, amazingly, she has learnt from her friends at school about gays and lesbians but only in as much as they share the same bed and kiss/cuddle. TBH I was shocked when she told me and my dh almost choked on his tea! I then asked if any of her friends had talked about where babies come from, which she said they had not...(phew!...).

I will tell her all about sex & babies etc when the time is right and I have to say even at 9yrs old I don't think she needs to know about it yet BUT should she approach me to talk about it then I will tell her all she needs to know, whether that be today or in two years time.

I can see the point being made about couples not necessarily loving each other in order to have sex but I will try to sway her towards the idea that its best to love someone in order to have sex with them...although I'm well aware this isn't always the case nowadays. But there is no harm in suggesting this is the best route to take! IYKWIM???!!!

[wangle99]

We used 'special cuddle' when she was younger (can't remember age) and then she turned around and said 'I'm very worried I might accidentally have a special cuddle with DS and not realise and have a baby'

Erm I bloody hope not lol.

Told her you could only have a special cuddle when you were grown up phew!!!

[Moomin]

I was very much in agreement with the programme Davina McC did which was repeated recently - about how sex is delat with in coutnries sich as Holland where the teenage preg rate is really low compared with ours, which is the highest in Europe. It was all about not being embarrassed about talking about it from an early age - obviously adapting info according to age, but not shying away from anything ad seeing the whole sex thing and the urges and confusions that arise as something natural. I really really hope dh and I can manage this sort of approach, given the very male upbringing I had and the TerryandJune-type upbringing that dh had!

[ShinyNewShoes]

Ooooooh, I thought of this thread an hour ago. DD (4 next month) popped for last loo visit before bedtime. So I'm just tidying the post-bathtime chaos in the bathroom as she perches on the loo and asks, "Mummy, when ladies have a baby in their tummy, where have they got it from?????" My mind flashed straight to this thread. I thought to myself, 'Shiny, stay calm, low-key but honest'. So I swung round to speak to her....



and she fell off the toilet.
Which changed the subject completely.

[ChasingSquirrels]

lol (am assuming she is ok)

[ShinyNewShoes]

• Squirrels thanks, yes, she is fine, I perhaps should have added that bit!

[barney2]

It's a worrying thought really...because when my dd does eventually ask about sex & babies etc I'm going to have to be openly honest with her and not tell her the usual 'special cuddle' stuff because I'm sure she'll have found out by the time she asks me anyway and she'll probably be correcting me and telling me about the birds and bees!!

[ChasingSquirrels]

Barney, I AM openly honest about it all with my ds, have explained that the man's willy goes in the woman's vagina (where the baby later comes out of), but have also said that it is part of a special cuddle that the man and the woman have. I don't think that the teo are contradictory - unless you are ONLY saying that is it a special cuddle, and not giving the actual facts.

Franny, thanks for that on the sperm not being made yet, eggs not being ready. I have already explained that his body won't make sperm until he is older so that is definately the way to approach it, if it arises.

[nooka]

Barney if sex is being discussed at school, then I would have that conversation with your dd before she picks up all sorts of peculiar nonsense. I grew up with the sex (in fact anything vaguely private and embarrassing) is a taboo discussion, and it wasn't at all helpful, so I started talking to my two about it all when they were tiny (they are now 6 and 8). I really wouldn't wait until you are asked if your dd is 9, because it is highly unlikely that she doesn't want to know, and she may well have picked up that you are uncomfortable with the subject. I think it's interesting how only some of what I have said has stuck and I still get slightly odd questions from them, but I find it good to know that they do talk to me about their playground discussions and their own thoughts on sex, babies etc quite freely, and so if anything arises I feel fairly confident they will talk to me. Remember that puberty is starting earlier and earlier (some girls will start their periods at around 9 now) and there is so much sex and sexualised stuff around little girls - frightening really.

[elasticbandstand]

i still think you do need to tell you dc that love and sex go together.. whatever they actually do when they are teenagers.,. surely it is better to teach them the correct morals.. i know we all enjoy sex but why not tell them it is an act of love?
i am sure they will work it out for themselves int he long run.

i borrowed a book for my 10 eyar old dd, in preperation for sex education classes at school,.. so far she has decided she wuld like to go horseriding.. to get rid of her hymen

[bookwormmum]

I think my dd knows a bit more about sex than she's letting on (like most of us did) but so far she's just asked leading questions about where do I sleep when I visit my OH at weekends (ie do I sleep in his bed). She knows that adults generally sleep in the same bed and so far she seems happy with that information although she has asked from time to time how she was born. I think the time for a chat may not be too far off - and certainly before she goes into yr6 as I want her to be genned up before she's taught sex ed in school. Personally I found it excruatinely embarrassing doing sex ed (we had to draw diagrams of the menstrual cycle of all things - which meant nowt to me aged 12 ) so hopefully they'll approach more it sensitively these days as well as sensitively.

[bookwormmum]

Meant to write sensibly the second time btw!