Disturbing letter delivered to 5yr old dd - what should I do? URGENT advice needed!

[mollipops]

"Disturbing" is the best word I could think of to describe what I found in my letterbox this morning after dropping dd (5y 9m) at school. It was a sealed envelope, like children's stationery, with To you from C* on the front, in a child's writing. "C" is a boy who lives two doors down from us, and is in the same year as dd, although in a different class. They don't really play together, but do talk sometimes if they see each other outdoors, and he seems like a nice enough boy, maybe a little bit of a scallywag but nothing terrible. Like most boys and girls at this age they have a bit of a love-hate thing going on, but not much more than teasing on his part and showing off on both sides.

Anyway, I contemplated whether to open it or to leave it for dd when she got home from school, but something told me to open it myself. I was very glad I did. It was written in a child's handwriting, a small page of matching paper folded in half with "pleas open" on it. I unfolded it and was shocked to read this: "I love you so much I want to sex you and dack you" (which in slang means to pull down your underwear) "and suck your fany" with drawings underneath of an "anatomically correct" boy and girl and their names.

My first instinct was to storm down to his house and confront his mother with it (I don't really know her except on nodding terms IYKWIM), but I was too shocked and upset. Am I taking it too personally? It's not the first time we have had little notes of this nature put in our letterbox but in the past I have ignored them, plus there has been no name on them before.

I don't actually think that C, who is 5 and a half, wrote it himself, or at least not without some help. He has an older brother who is 8 or 9 at a guess. There are also other boys in the street around this age who hang around with C and his brother. It is probably some kind of sick joke, but I would like to put an end to it, before dd learns to read! Imagine if she had opened it herself and asked me to read it to her! What would she have made of my reaction? Plus of course it had the crude drawings on it.

I am so confused and upset about it - am I blowing it out of proportion? I know when dh sees it tonight he will be angry too. Should I just take the letter to the boys' parents and show them? Could that make it worse? I have no experience with older boys, so any advice or thoughts would be much appreciated.

[WideWebWitch]

Mollipops, I don't think you're blowing it out of proportion - it's a disturbing letter considering it was written to and (suposedly) from a 5 yo. Not sure what to say except first take a deep breath and don't do anything until you've calmed down! Then I would discuss it with your DH and I think in your shoes I would go and see the parents, together maybe? I don't have any experience with older boys either but I remember what the boys we used to play with in our street were like when I was 10 or so and they could certainly do crude. Their parents would have been shocked had they known. I do think you have to see the parents and hope that a rollicking for the boys results. It's not acceptable to send notes like this and you're right, what if your dd had opened it. Could have been v scary/confusing/intimidating for her. I'm sure someone else will have thoughts too. BTW reading that back I mean calm down as in, leave it a couple of hours for your anger to subside a bit, I don't mean I think you're being unreasonable, just try not to act in the heat of the moment (I have done in the past and mostly regretted it!).

[oxocube]

Mollipops, I agree that it would not be in everyones best interests to ignore this. The boys' parents will very probably be shocked. Can I just say though that this is not 'normal' behaviour for a 5 yr old; even the 7 or 8 year old must be quite 'wordly' IMO to write something like this. I don't think you are overreacting and it is certainly not acceptable to find letters like this pushed through your door. Agree that talking with your d.h. would be a good idea and if the boys' parents are in any way reasonable, you may find that they will put a stop to this behaviour immediately. Let us know what happens.

[tigermoth]

Mollipops, I'm sure you're right, this does seem the work of an older child, even (possibly)teenager. If a group of them hang out in the street, it could be any one of them. You might not even know the cuprit - it could be one of the boy's friends or even a sister, not present in the street. IME some children will have a go at stirring things like this when they are bored, not realising the consequences. Perhaps your dd is not the only one to be receiving a letter like this.

I think you are right to take this seriously. The illustations alone could have easily upset or confused your dd.

I would have definitely have a word with the family when you have calmed down. I'd definitely show them the letter, too. They may be able to identify the author. It's possible this is a long running game that the children have played and your dd is the latest target.

Don't imply that you're think it's their older son. First and foremost say you are showing them the letter because their 5 year old is the alleged author, though point out that it looks like it's been done by an older child. You could ask them if they recognise the handwriting? As the mother of an 8 year old, I think that I could possibly recognise if a letter with drawings was done by my son or not.

I'd approach this calmly as well. The parents of the little boy will probably be shocked, too. It's also upsetting for them. Their boy might have been the subject of teasing or bullying by this group of older chldren. The words used in the letter might well have been spoken to him first, which is worrying for the parents, considering his age.

If the parents can give you no clue as to the author, I'd consider talking to the group of children, including the boys brother. Tell them your dd has received a nasty letter - it's not acceptable, you think you know who it's from (even if you don't) - and you'll be watching out for more.

Good luck!

[aloha]

Totally agree. You can't let this go - it might even be part of a pattern of behaviour and could go further if you leave it. Go and see the parents and I liked the suggestion of saying 'do you recognise the handwriting', which is non-accusatory. I also like the idea of talking directly to the kids to warn them off. Slightly off the subject, is it just me, or does anyone despair of our highly sexualised society, where adverts for pot Noodles and anti-perspirants are full of crude sexual imagery? The one where they sing 'he's seen you naked...he's sucked your bellybutton with his tongue' makes me cringe, especially as it seems to be on so early. I think it's particularly hard for little girls to think this is just the norm for everyone, with no allowances made for age.

[WideWebWitch]

Aloha, agree, esp the pot noodle ad. Someone said elsewhere, try explaining to a 5yo what a slag is... I'm turning into my mum on this subject!

[JanZ]

Mollipops, I agree with what the others have said - you and your dh need to go and see the boy's parents - not in an accusatory way, but instead to explore "where do you think this really came from and what can WE do to stop it?" ie don't make it their or your problem, but a challenge for you both to deal with.

Re the Pot Noodle ads - I'm not normally terribly PC, but there is something about them that really offends my sensibilities! I just think that they are really inappropriate and (the PC bit!) demean all those involved (both men and women!). (a bit like the Golden Wonder ads that make a joke of drug dealing).

[emilys]

millipops, i agree with all the very good advice given to you hear. it could just other children wanting to get this 5yr old in to trouble, or even getting at his older brother - remember its the holidays and there are lots of bored children out there. I do think you should def. go to see the parents - i'm sure you would want to know if something like that had been allegedly send from a child of yours - as would I. I also agree that you really should go with your dh - this way you see the whole pciture together and if it does get out of hand (highly unlikely) you are together. lots of luck - let us know. p/s pls believe you are NOT over re-acting, these rre not things that 5yr olds should be seeing or even aware of.

[monkey]

I'm also a bit concerned you say there have been other notes? Do you think they're from the came author, even though there were no names on them? Have you kept them (proably not I suppose).

Could you maybe ring Childline or the NSPCC (even annonymously if you want) and get their angle on it? I would be very upset in your position.

Good luck

[ScummyMummy]

Poor you, Mollipops. I think I'd be v concerned in your shoes. I do agree with everything that's been said here and definitely think you should approach the boy's parents and air your worries. I think the others are right to suggest that you try and do this in as non-confrontational a way as you possibly can as it's likely that the parents will be very shocked and therefore defensive if either of their boys is involved- and of course it's possible that neither of them are. I think it's sometimes more productive to focus on communicating how worried and upset you feel on dd's behalf rather than how angry you feel (though I bet you are and I'd be furious in your shoes). I do hope things get sorted out. xx

[Rhubarb]

Even if he had help from his older brother, we have to remember that his older brother is himself only a child, 8 or 9 did you say? And this is obviously written by a child who has no idea what it really means but knows it sounds rude - mischevious behaviour really!

By all means show it to their mother, but please don't go in there guns a blazin', she'll be just as upset as you are. I think it is just two naughty little boys who have picked up some things from other kids and are having a laugh. If your dd read it she probably wouldn't have a clue what they were going on about. We mustn't look at this in adult's eyes but child's eyes. It was wrong of them no doubt and the elder child should be spoken to. But it's not that serious in the bigger scheme of things.

[threeangels]

I would keep a close eye on your dd. With whoever did write this who knows what their capable of doing. People at any age are doing sick stuff out there. Especially to kids and from other kids. I would talk to the little boys parents just to see if they would have any idea who would write something like this. Its obvious someone who knows your son and her son. If this child did not write this and kids are going around putting his name on these letters I would inform his mom. To me the letter is a little more serious in content then others might feel. Kids at any age in this world can do awful things to others and who knows what they are capable of doing. I also think this would help this other child if these older kids are telling him to write these letters. He is only 5. Good luck

[Rhubarb]

I think that's a bit harsh Threeangels, we are not talking abuse here! IMO this letter is like similar letters I have seen from 10 year olds who are just discovering what sex is and see it as funny and naughty rather than serious and abusive. I don't think an adult was involved here, they wouldn't take such a risk of the parent opening it or reading it. You should have been at my school at Valentine's Day, the cards the kids sent each other were near enough pornographic! And you could tell they had help from older siblings, but it was not taken seriously at all, just a phase of kids discovering what sex is all about. This 9 year old has probably just had sex education at school and is developing his curiousity. I wouldn't condemn him as a potential child abuser - that is madness! Think back to when you were kids, surely you all did similar things?

A quiet word with his parents, showing them the letter will nip this in the bud. The 9 yr old will be highly embarrassed as it is (may not even be him but one of his friends!) once he knows that his parents and Mollipops knows what he has written. Please lets not blow this out of all proportion!

[threeangels]

Rhubarb, I dont mean to sound harsh but over here in the US we have things like this happen all the time. Not saying this is the case at all but I guess Im so cautious because weve had many known cases in the paper of kids molesting other kids. People dont even think that could be possible. I am shocked when I hear these things. Im just saying that who knows if this child or children are capable of doing anything. Things do happen especially here in the states. Sorry to come off strong just watch a lot of news I guess.

[threeangels]

Does anyone think that if a child just touches a child in an unappropriate way should be considered wrong and taken seriously. I do. Thats the least that can happen. Maybe from just a curious child but I would be highly upset if it happened to my dd. Does anyone feel the same as me? Just curious.

[JanZ]

I can remember playing "doctors and nurses" with another wee girl when I was about 10. From what I recollect, it was just looking at each other's "bits" in a cupboard off her bedroom - using a torch for lighting. I don't remember any touching - but to me it's just one of many (generally idyllic) childhood memories. It was just a phase we went through I think - I don't recall any other similar incidents.

For the record, I was a virgin until 22! (.... despite my parents telling me from about the age of 15 that "the family planning clinic wouldn't ask my age and that they didn't want me to have an accident!" )

[Jbr]

Take it to the police. It's obscene mail, therefore illegal, I think.

[Rhubarb]

Get a grip Jbr, these are CHILDREN - did you seriously never do any of this when you were young? Do you want to turn this child into a criminal before he's 10? And Threeangels, if someone touched my child in an inappropriate place I would treat that as abuse and act accordingly - but if it was as JanZ has described, kids innocently playing 'curiosity games' then I would not, just simply state the facts of life for her to know.

Mollipops, do let us know what you have decided to do and how it all turns out. Wishing you best whatever.

[Tillysmummy]

Difficult situation but lucky you found it. I don't think giving it to the parents is wholly inappropriate but I would be careful of creating bad feeling. Maybe best just to ignore it if you can, I know it must be hard and just keep checking for any similar instances. Wish you luck.

[Mooma]

I would definitely show it to the mother. If my 6 yr old ds had any involvement in such a note, either knowingly or having been put up to it, I would really want to know.
I get so depressed at the loss of innocence. I listened to a really interesting debate on the radio the other day, about the kind of skimpy and suggestively logo-ed garments being marketed at under 8's by Tammy.
It seems it's harder than ever to let children just be children.

[Bozza]

I think some of the suggestions seem a bit extreme in both directions (ie ignore it/show it the police). I think the middle road of discussing it with your neighbour in a non-confrontational way is best. Definitely take DH if you can (child-minding permitting that is). I would guess that a mother would be able to recognise her own children's handwriting.

[Bozza]

Let us know how it goes mollipops. Hope it works out OK.

[oxocube]

JanZ, re the 'doctors and nurses scenario, I did exactly the same thing (more than once) and was about 8 I think. Still not a nice thing for Mollipops to find in her post though and I do think the kids involved need a bit of a talking to about appropriate behaviour! Good luck

[soviet]

but before seeing the parents be aware that they could think that their boy had nothing to do with it, and mayby even blame your child for causing such obsenity.

good luck, and beware.