i have a very angry, violent 6year old :( plz HELP!!

[carolyn1989]

hello there i have 2 children DD(11) and DS (6) i love them both more than anything in the world but some things need to change! i have been having trouble with DS :( he can be such a loving boy from time to time but most of the time he is angry,violent and rude! there isn't a day that goes by where he dosent hurt his older sister, my boy frightens me! he gets very physical if things dont go his way for example my daughter is at that age where she would just stay in her room she asked me one day if she could go upstairs to watch telly... not a problem so of she went 5mins later i heard the biggest scream i ran upstairs and i witnessed my 6year old punching the hell out of her head whilst she was curled up in a ball against her wardrobe i couldn't believe my eyes where on earth is this all stemming from, of course he denies it all!!! i literally tread on eggs shells around him incase i say something that is offensive to him! he has even started acting out at his grandparents threatening to hurt grandma even threatened ti hurt grandmas dog!! i just want my loving nice boy back.....its like all of a sudden he hits 10! and cannot bring himself back down to 1... he gets very hypoactive to the point where i cannot control him! the violence has got to stop if he is very angry and shouting sometimes he cant find his worlds so he just swears really bad :( i surely cannot be the only one going through this my partner well he dosent get to see this side to him much as he works 14hour days sometimes all weekend too if im honest im glad when i go to work so i can have peace ( i know that sounds bad :( i just dont know what to do anymore he dosent care who he is with or where!! he will act up whenever wherever he scares me sometimes i cant even go places anymore because i am so scared on how he will be as i get embarrassed as i cant control him, the violence has got to stop! he often gets mad for no reason or for something so small and petty (Ava has her channel on or Ava has more milk than me) hes broken numerous amounts of my furniture in rage!! they get everything from me if not more!! i just dont see what his issue is does he have a medical problem i have not got to the doctors as i need enough evidence ive wrote every outburst down in my book please does anyone have any advice? thank you

Post edited by MNHQ

[Andro]

GP appointment asap - for your sake, your daughter's safety and your son's sake.

i witnessed my 6year old punching the hell out of her head whilst she was curled up in a ball against her wardrobe

He could have killed or seriously (permanently!) injured your daughter, she is at serious risk and is not safe in her own home. Should she tell a teacher about this they would, quite rightly, raise it as a safeguarding issue.

When you witnessed him beating her, you had more than passed the threshold for seeking help.

[Kleinzeit]

Yes you can go to the doctor, certainly if you are in the UK you can go to the GP and tell them what's going on. Your GP will be able to point you at sources of help, whether it's a medical condition or not. Bring your diary of outbursts along; you don't have to take your son to begin with.

The GP may advise you to go to a parenting group first. It's a good idea to go along. First, because you may get some useful support and advice and you may well meet other parents with similar problems; and second, because these days it is often a first step before your DS can get referred for other assessments for a medical problem.

And in the meantime a lot of us with angry kids have got some help from Ross Green's Explosive Child book and Lives in the Balance website.

[Andro]

One other thing, are there any steps you can take to stop him getting into your DD's bedroom? She needs somewhere safe, right now she isn't.

[carolyn1989]

she always goes up to her bedroom :( i feel for her dont get me wrong they can play so nicely together but most of the time he gets mad because he cant get his won way its getting so silly for example ( nathaniel go get your pyjamas , he will then go no! and get his sister to get them its like he thinks he is the boss of the house it dosent help that my partner works so much and dosent see what he is like most times! right now they are both colouring nicely together which to be honest wont last long for much longer, we had a outburst yesterday of him not getting his won way with his sister and next doors 2 girls so he threw a paddy and got really nasty calling them all little idiots and trying to grab them by the arms i keep saying time and time again it is not acceptable to hurt anyone and certainly not ok to hurt girls his answer 'ill do what i want if i want to hurt girls i can' everything is so wrong i hate to bring this up but in my old relationship i was abused by a man for 11months and swore if i ever had a son i would try my best to bring him up right and to treat women with respect etc but i feel like im failing :( im going to book a appointment with the GP but if im honest im scared im going to thobbed of as alot of people use adhd/autism alot in the uk to just put a label on their naughty kids i dont want a easy life (well i do abit) but i just want to help my son i dont want him to be a evil boy that everyone will hate....

[carolyn1989]

its so hard because my daughter is perfect she does as she is told she has the kindest heart and is never naughty she is like a mother hen half the time i feel sorry for her she will be under enough stress and pressure within the next few weeks as she has her 11+ tests coming up a PGL trip where if im honest she will be glad to get away for a few days with the school , it will be her birthday at the end of the month and if im honest i am dreading it because nathaniel will have something to say about her presents like 'shes got more than me etc' just spoilt things he is never happy always looks miserable he cant even wind down when its bed time hes still up 2hours later from putting him to bed making stupid sounds of trying to get our attention by asking for a cuddle or a drink or a biscuit i feel hopeless ( my friend asked me if i would try herbal remedies like calm relaxers for him) but i am not sure? would it help?

[Andro]

carolyn1989 - I feel for you, it sounds so hard! I think you might find more experienced advice on the SN boards.

[Kleinzeit]

ADHD and autism are not just labels that people put on children for an easy life, they are serious conditions that will change the way you raise your son altogether. Which is scary but if your DS does have some kind of condition then the sooner you find out the better so that you can start doing the things that will help him grow up happy and well behaved. Having said that I can't tell if this is a medical condition or not, it would take a specialist to really figure out what's going on. And the "Explosive Child" book doesn't depend on a child having a "label", the children in the book have different labels or no label at all.

One thing you can try about the bedtime behaviour is to tuck him in and tell him "Lie down, try to go to sleep, I will come back in 2 minutes to give you a goodnight kiss" and do that. Then when you come back say the same thing again. Next time, say you will come back in three minutes, then four, then five, then 10, then 15, and from then on keep it at 15 til he falls asleep. This worked a treat for my DS. It meant he didn't have to shout or think of an excuse to get my attention. He knew I would come back soon so he relaxed and went to sleep.

i keep saying time and time again it is not acceptable to hurt anyone and certainly not ok to hurt girls his answer 'ill do what i want if i want to hurt girls i can'

I wouldn't take that too seriously, it is just defiance because he has been told off. He is not going to grow up evil, yes he is aggressive but that's because he is an upset child who just doesn't know what is troubling him or how to control his overwhelming feelings. Whatever the problem is you are starting to get help for him and with your support he will get through this and grow up fine.

[carolyn1989]

thank you everybody for your words and advice xx

[alligatorsmile]

Watching with interest as DD (5) has similar behaviour.

[Rosesadie]

It sounds awful, I hope he gets some help soon and you and your poor dd get a break.

You’ve said that his dad doesn’t see his behaviour much as he is working a lot, does your ds spend any time with his dad when he is at home? It sounds like he is crying out for attention and doesn’t know how to deal with his feelings of anger. Maybe some time with his dad might help?

Good luck op, sounds like you are trying everything to help him.