Unhealthy ‘friendship’ - 7 year olds

[caroline842]

I have a 7 year old who who has an overpowering friend. My boy is very sweet but has always let his friend have his own way. We didn’t know how had it was until some other mums mentioned what their children have seen in the playground. By slowly getting the details out of him I found out this was happening:-

1. The other boy doesn’t want my son to play with other people a lot of the time. If he’s ok with joining a group game he’ll let him do that but is always by his side. If my son tries to move away from him, the boy gets angry, gets in his face and growls at him until he gives in. My son asks him to leave him alone but he doesn’t listen. The boy does this anytime my son doesn’t do what he wants him to do.
   
   
2. the other boy is always in charge of the game and if they move into a group game with others, still takes over and changes the game they have joined.
   
   
3. when others come up to play with my son he blocks their way and says they can’t join In.
   
   More things happen in the playground but these are the main points. We have talked to the mum of the other boy and with the teachers. The mum blames it on stress, not sleeping well, really anything she can think of to take the blame off the boy. We’ve sat down with the teachers and the boy says he doesn’t always play with my son but most the time he wants to play with him and 3 other mutual friends. The big emphasis was to give my son some space. After the chat, nothing changed so now the school as told the boy, one day a week he can’t play with my son & their 3 mutual friends at playtime and my son had to do the same another day. This is to make sure the other boy isn’t being singled out. I’ve now found out my son is also not playing with their 3 mural friends on the day the other boy has to play with other people. It’s all to keep the other boy happy and included because he has told the teacher he feels left out and that’s why he gets upset.
   
   I don’t know what to do. My son is being vocal and telling him to leave him alone, asking to let other people play and being more assertive but because the boy doesn’t listen, I fear he’s given up and conceded that this is how his playtimes will be from now on and it breaks my heart. My son loves playing with lots of children and I see this affecting him socially in the long run. What can I do to help in when it’s all about the not upsetting other boy?
   
   This is have such an affect on my son that he’s solution today was to keep running away from him in the playground so the other boy can’t catch up to him. It’s keeping me up worried about him so apologies if this doesn’t make a lot of sense and A little wordy. Today my child cried for no reason at home and just wanted lots of mummy cuddles. It’s having a huge affect on him.
   
   Any advice at all would be much appreciated.

[rainingcatsanddog]

This happened to my son.

The school made sure that they were never partnered and told the boys to leave each other alone. The other boy needed a lot of counselling/support but had healthy relationships with other boys after a year or so.

You need to be firm with the school that the current solution is unfair to your son.

[caroline842]

Thank you. It’s nice to hear it’s solvable! I’ve been in and told them it’s not working. They have raised this with the senco teacher too and will hopefully have a new plan by Monday.

[Ellieboolou27]

Hi I have a dd who’s almost 6 and sounds just like the boy your sons trying to get away from!

I’ve had no complaints (yet) directly from parents but the teacher is aware and is in the process of setting up a buddying system for her.
The mother of the boy should not fob you off with stress etc. It’s not nice for either child and as a mum I’m so sad my dd can’t socialise well.

I hope things get sorted for both children, I’m reading a book called The unwritten rules of friendship, hoping it will help my dd be less bossy / controlling. It has chapters on assertiveness and dealing with intimidation that may help your ds.