3year old extremely rebellious and stubborn?????

[nasima1013]

I have a 3 year old who will not take no for an answer, he will kick you, scream at you, throw things and cry for a very long time until he gets what he wants.
It is very embarrassing when he cries for something he can't really have or do for example in a supermarket he will cry to push the big trolleys around and he ends up bumping into people.
He tries to jump on top of our newborn and when he unsuccessfully attempts we quickly move her away from him and he will have a massive tantrum.
His tantrum is absolutely the worst, it is as if he wants to take you through hell.
When is not throwing a tantrum he is really naughty, jumping on the sofas (which he has damaged), broke the tv or just generally wanting you to do things with him which is not acceptable such as chucking our stuff out the window.
He just will not take no for an answer.
When he wants to watch something he will point and we will give him what he wants to watch and then he will start crying again because he does not want to watch that.
When we speak to him nicely and asks if he would like to eat something he will start crying over that.
He wants us to live in his terms and it is really starting to get on our nerves, if we don't understand him he will throw a tantrum, he doesn't get that we don't understand what he is trying to say especially when he is crying.

Sometimes I think he may have a learning disorder because his behaviour is unbelievable.

Please help, how do you deal with this sort of behaviour?

[WhereIsMyXylophone]

I don't want to sound harsh but your first sentence says it all

he will kick you, scream at you, throw things and cry for a very long time until he gets what he wants.

You have effectively taught him to escalate the tantrum to a hysterical level and then he gets what he wants.

What punishments are there for jumping on the sofa?

Do you give him full attention when he tantrums instead of turning your back on him and walking away? If you cannot understand him when he is crying why are you still talking to him? Tell him you cannot understand him and he can talk to you when he has calmed down.

Does he go to nursery at all? Is his behaviour just as bad there or for other people or just you?

Him just not taking no for an answer is he knows that eventually you will give him what he wants.

Could you ask your health visitor for advice as he/she can see your son at home?

Also his world will have just been turned upside down with his newborn sister entering his world.

[nasima1013]

Ahhhh Right now I understand, I have just gave in to his tantrums way too easily and thats how he thinks his way of getting what he wants, completely understand now, we have recently stopped giving into his tantrums and I could tell he's becoming distraught however his tantrums don't last as long as they did before.

We have set up a naughty corner, he got his own chair and I have just put it facing the wall and each time he is being naughty, I pick him up and place him on the chair, making eye contact and telling him what he did was wrong, however he also runs off crying which is frustrating.

When he is having a tantrum, I give him my attention and try to comfort him as I always thought that comforting a distraught child will help them feel at ease but it seems like I need to walk away as he doesn't want the comfort he just wants me to allow him to be naughty.

No he doesn't go nursery he will in about 2 months, he is good around other people and listens to them.

I also need advice on potty training him, he does not want to be potty trained he will not go to the toilet and just wants to wear his nappy. I have tried to take his nappy off and just let him wear an underwear and I have frequently asked him if he needs the toilet in which he starts crying as he does not want to use the toilet.

[moita]

I really recommend the book 'Toddler Calm' - my DS is a lot younger but was starting to tantrum. The book really helped me.

How are his language skills?

[rainingcatsanddog]

His tantrums are extreme because he's learned that you will cave if he tantrums to the max.

If he's having a tantrum, consoling him won't help. He's at the age now where he is learning about emotions. Being angry is natural for humans and he needs to learn how to calm himself down from full blown anger. He won't be able to hear you speak if he's in a tantrum and touching him could escalate things.

If he has a tantrum (and is somewhere safe like not in the middle of the road) let him tantrum. Leave the room/push the buggy in silence and let him rage. When there's a break in the crying, get down to his level and ask him if he is ready to talk. If yes, you can hug him (if he wants) then talk to him. If no, let him cry then repeat the question at the right time. Remember when you talk to toddlers to keep explanations short and clear as they have a short attention span and will zone out quickly. Get down to their level and make eye contact.

To minimise tantrums keep house rules clear and consistent. For example if don't jump on the sofa is a rule, you need to tell him off every time he does it or he'll learn that it's not a proper rule. Sometimes bad behaviour is cured by a drink/food or is a cry for attention (negative attention is better than no attention) Tiredness can be a reason for bad behaviour too so you might want to steer him towards calmer activities.

The most important rule of all is not to feel self conscious about disciplining him in public. We've all been there and any dirty looks are from people who are childless or forgotten how their young children were. Many of the looks will be from people who are relieved to have graduated from that stage. Doing it now will be easier than doing it later. When he goes to nursery/school, his peers won't be so forgiving.

[Goldmandra]

Forget the naughty corner. That just gives him an opportunity to fight you.

When he wants something he can't have, you need to give calm, clear messages that it isn't going to happen.

When he gets upset, you need to be a close, calm and kind presence helping him feel safe and ready for a cuddle when he's calmer.

Tell him what you would like him to do, not what to stop. If he's jumping on furniture, get him to jump in the floor or in the garden. Redirect his behaviour to something you are happy for him to do.

Give him attention when he's doing things you want him to repeat.

It's really hard work and every time your messages aren't clear you make it harder in the long run.

Just keep being calm, consistent, clear and positive.

[Kiwiinkits]

You're using a lot of negative reinforcement there. Positive reinforcement works so much better and makes for a happier kid, in my opinion.
If he ever does something that you ask him to do make a massive big deal out of it. Say, THANK YOU darling you are such a wonderful OBEDIENT boy. I love it when you do what mummy asks.
Catch him as often as you can when he's being good. Give him a reward (can be a hug or maybe introduce the 'marble in a jar' system for him).
Your job is to teach him that what you like is obedience and that when he is obedient you will reward him.

Really, training kids is a lot like training puppies. You can do a lot with a treat or a kind pat

[rainingcatsanddog]

Communal changing rooms [shudder]

[rainingcatsanddog]

Wrong post... sorry!!