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Help! Husband says he won’t have children on his own(10 Posts)
My husband and I have been together nearly 20years and have 4 children aged 8, 5, 15 months and 3months. We’ve struggled for a long time with him not being around. He works often 12 hour days, then he goes out straight from work 2-3 times a week and goes out on Saturdays from midday and usually stays out til the early hours. I’m pretty frazzled being on my own with 4 children from morning til night and getting more depressed. On Thursday I went out for the first time in weeks on my own. After an hour he sent me a message of our youngest crying saying she wouldn’t stop. I came home. She was fine. She needed to burp. Yesterday I went out at 5.30pm to ikea to get some bits for my eldest daughters room. I got back at 8.30pm and he was obviously angry. This morning he has said he can’t look after all 4 children in his own and I was out of order going out. He said he can’t cope with the 4 and I can’t leave them with him. I’m losing my mind. I’ve been up since 6.45 feeding the children, cleaning up, putting washing on, and he got out of bed at 9.30am to lay into me about yesterday. (He wasn’t out although it was Saturday as he says he’s taken a few weeks to be at home to support me).
What on earth can I do? I can’t never leave the house! Is that what other mums do?
No, other mums usually can rely on their partners to be able to parent.
How long has he been like this? Was he always this obstructive to being with the children?
There's a lot going on here that needs addressing. The going out several times a week isn't fair - when do you get that much time off? And he needs to understand that the only way to get used to looking after all 4 children is to practice! It's not some inbuilt skill that you have, you can do it because you've had to and because you've done it lots. It is hard work looking after 4 children ranging in age like that, but that's no excuse from their parent to opt out of it.
If he’s taken a few weeks off going out to support you, that’s what he needs to do. I think you need to talk to him about what he thinks this means and how he sees himself helping.
One thing he needs to start doing if he’s not at work on Saturday and Sunday is to let you have a lie in at least one day while he gets breakfast and sorts the DC out.
He SHOULD be able to look after all four on his own but if he's not used to it can you take one of the younger ones with you? Take a different little one each time so he gets used to looking after all of them without you. Then you can build up to him looking after all four on his own.
Thanks all. He makes me feel I’m not being fair on him. That he’s just not built to manage four children. I can sympathise it’s hard. I know I struggle. But I don’t say I just won’t do it. I have to! He tries to do his own thing and then gets annoyed when they interrupt. Like watch the football, play on his phone. He also says they argue over who gets his attention. Why he can’t just explain to one he’ll be right with them after 10 mins with the other I don’t know. He won’t leave the house with them on his own, and I know from experience you’ll go crazy in the house all day.
Where does he go on Saturdays? Is he working or is it socialising?
I simply would not accept him going out 2-3 times a week and I wouldn't expect my husband to accept it if I was doing it.
When do you get to go out? When do you go out as a couple?
You need to have a serious chat with him. You're meant to be in this together. Just because you are a SAHM and he works outside the home doesn't mean you do all the childcare. He obviously knows how hard it is to have the kids so why should you be expected to do it all the time.
My DH and I both work fulltime and share childcare (different shifts). Each weekend we have a chat about the week ahead and set out what we need to do outside work so literally if I need to get my hair done we decide what day is the best for me to do that taking into account what he needs to do that week. You need to communicate and work as a team.
Where is he going from midday until the early hours on Saturday? Working or socialising?
He is being unfair OP but if I'm honest I think managing 4 kids alone aged 8 to 3 months is a big ask. I know you do it of course but if he is not used to managing alone as he works 12 hours a day during the week (plus his 12+ hour stints doing I don't know what on Saturdays) then he is going to struggle. I think it needs to be broken down into bite sized bits so he has the 2 older kids in his own then the younger two as well.
Thanks for the advice all. On Saturdays he goes to football (managing) at 12 and then on to the pub. The season has finished now so we have about 3 weeks before preseason friendlies start!
I don’t really go anywhere without the children. I might see friends for a meal once every 3 months perhaps. Or go for a coffee with my mum once a month x
Have you spoken to him and asked him why he doesn't want to spend time with his family? I would word it like that, it might give him a wake-up call. Your kids are going to grow up and form their own opinion of their father and if he is never around/angry when he is there, they will treat him the same way and I bet he will be wondering what happened when his grown-up children only phone you, only visit when you are there, etc.
If I were you I would think up practical things, not just a general 'you need to be here more'.
Could he bring your 8 year old with him on Saturdays and come straight home/meet you and the other 3 for lunch instead of going to the pub? If they're going to the pub after, it's hardly Premier League stuff, shouldn't be any bother having an 8 year old with him.
Why is he going out 2-3 times a week? I don't know any parents that do that. If he must go out, why can't it be 1 night a week? Then 1 night a week you get to go to a class/meet a friend/whatever you want while he stays home with the children.
Would it help if you wrote down what your week looks like vs his and showed him?
Then you can say you totally sympathize with it being hard to have four, and you need time away too. Either that or he stays with the family when not at work.
I mean, it's not easy for you to have all the kids just because you have a vagina...