I need help with discipline of my son

[2ducks2ducklings]

I have three children two tweens and a baby. My middle child, 10 year old son has always displayed challenging behaviour but it seems to have gotten much worse recently.
I'm actually at my wits end with him because nothing we do seems to make any difference to his behaviour. We've tried reward charts, loss of privileges, even the damn naughty step but nothing we do works.
I spend all of my time trying not to do or say things that will cause a melt down or a tantrum and I'm not prepared to have my life dictated by his moods any more.
He seems to be very immature for his age, emotionally, and the only way he seems to be able to express himself is by these bloody tantrums. He could be playing outside and I'll call him in for his tea and he'll talk to me like I'm a piece of dirt or he'll literally have a tantrum like a three year old with tears and slamming of doors or barging past people to get out of the situation. I tell him off for talking to me this way, I have tried talking in a low and calm tone as well as shouting to be heard above him. Neither makes a difference. My husband and I are very much on the same team here so my son knows there's no point in trying his luck with the other parent.
We feel like for every hour of nice family time with him, there's 4 hours of arguing and answering back and tantrums and basically just misery for all of us. I hate that I have to tell him off so often and I know the sheer frequency of it has lessened any impact I may make. But I honestly don't know what else to do.
We did have a few years at school where he was in trouble for not being able to control his temper but that seems to have drastically reduced as he has got older. However I have seen other children purposely wind him up because they know he will react and will end up in trouble because it is easier to see the bad behaviour in a tantrum than it is to see the other child whispering things to provoke a response.
He is a lovely, sensitive and inquisitive boy at other times though. He is interested in the news and adores his baby brother and little cousin. But he continues to display the same behaviour which has got him into trouble hundreds of times, it's like he never learns or doesn't care about any of the consequences we have tried.
I'm sorry for the long essay, any help will be gratefully received at this point.

[AddictiveCereal]

My 8 year old son has autism and can get very annoyed by things but is much easier to manage than what you describe with your son.

We got this book for my son when he went through a bad patch last year www.amazon.co.uk/What-When-Temper-Flares-What/dp/1433801345/ref=pd_aw_fbt_14_img_3/259-8102191-7823830?psc=1&_encoding=UTF8&refRID=DTFRH5X8Y7M93JYJ5K44&tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-21
Its based on cognative therapy - you read it with your child and it gives good strategies for managing anger. Its written for children and has simple but effective strategies.

[theuntameableshrew]

The Explosive Child by Ross Greene is good too. Well worth a read

[LivininaBox]

Have you read how to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk? That recommends a problem solving approach. So you pick one thing you want to change. Then have a chat with him when he is calm and say eg that you noticed he tends to get upset when its time to come in, what does he think would make it easier for him. Both come up with suggestions and agree together which you will try. Could be giving him a 2 minute warning, or agreeing when he goes out what time dinner will be etc. Often just the process of getting them to solve the problem with you can help.