Dd causing rows between me and exp

(7 Posts)
Motherwell91 Thu 19-Apr-18 17:44:34

Dd Will constantly tell her dad she wants to go do these things with him e.g. go on holiday and then come home and say no I don't want to go
I only said to not upset him. Then I tell exp and I get accused of lying or making her change her mind. I don't know how to deal with this I keep telling her to be honest with him but she won't.

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jaimelannistersgoldenhand Thu 19-Apr-18 18:39:36

My kids have done this on occasion. The three of you need to have the conversation together. He needs to hear from her why.

Is she scared that saying no will result in being told off or her Dad being sad? Does she change her mind when she finds out what the holiday will entail ? Is her dad one of those people who ask a question that you really know is a command?

Motherwell91 Thu 19-Apr-18 22:46:13

Her dad can be a bit like that. We had the same issue at Christmas she ended up spending all of Christmas with me as didn't want to go to his. I'm not sure why she does it. I've made it clear to her I don't mind her spending time with her dad and try to sounds as positive as possible. I've suggested us speaking all together but he won't have it and can't see that she would change her mind by herself and I must be persuading her as she is only 5. Would you say it's quite normal behaviour then?

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jaimelannistersgoldenhand Fri 20-Apr-18 05:09:16

I think that telling parents what they want to hear is not uncommon. There's many adults on here who can't tell their parents how they are truly feeling so put up with their bad behaviour. As a former partner/spouse, there is very little that you can do to improve the relationship between your child and ex especially if he won't sit down with you and your dd to discuss things.

As my kids have got older, they've switched to "I'll think about it" then decline by text (often last minute). They come to me for help composing their declining texts and it ends up with us arguing as I think that they should tell their Dad what they are thinking rather than go through the maybe charade while they think that their behaviour is fine and their Dad would say something if it wasn't. Ex hasn't told me what he's thinking but I'd be gutted that my kids couldn't be honest with me.

When you tell ex that dd has changed her mind, is it you or her telling him? Would she tell him on the phone?

Motherwell91 Fri 20-Apr-18 12:58:26

Normally it comes to the day and he knocks on the door and she refuses to come to the door. She finally comes over to the door and asks me to tell him. I generally refuse and say she needs to tell her dad if there is an issue and make it clear to her she can tell me and her dad anything and not need to worry. She then says she doesn't want to go. He gets in a huff and gets irritated with me. I'm hoping she will become better with this but I don't know if I'm handling it right do I punish her for not being honest with him? Or do I just keep talking to her about the importance of bro f honest with him and hope she gets it ?

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Motherwell91 Fri 20-Apr-18 13:00:08

Also she never talks to him on the phone if he calls for any reason she just keeps saying bye and keeps trying to hang up on him

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SpottieOttie Sun 22-Apr-18 20:13:50

When I was a kid I found it really stressful having a say in this sort of thing, it is supposed to be empowering but it's almost of responsibility to manage a situation that feels emotionally important....I found it much easier when the parents decided what was happening, even if I would rather have spent time differently it was preferable to me having to decide which baltantly ends up feeling like your loyalty is being tested or like you might upset someone whatever you decide. X

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