Parental Problems

[Itrytobeagooddad]

I am a Father of a DD who’s 4 and a half. I’m married and since the birth of our child, my wife and I have very different views on brining our daugter up.

I’m looking for help and advise from the many mums on here to see what’s right and wrong. I appreciate that there is no manual on bringing up children, but due to the conflicts between my wife and I, I thought I’d seek advice!

My biggest gripe is trying to educate my daughter on what’s right and wrong and not having my wife on board with the “telling off” and education on what’s happened and why the telling off has happened.

I would say that im not a stern or strict father. I want my daughter to grow up as the best as she can be. Be polite, says pleases and thank you, listen to what’s being said and act on requests of parents and elders etc etc.

It is quite common for a telling to happen and our daughter goes running to her mum when she gets picked up and cuddled. I personally feel that this sends mixed messages, on one hand I have told her of for X reason yet she can go to mum when there is no follow up to the telling off and is put across that I’m the bad person.

Other times would be our daughter refusing to ask for something and wants others to do it, and when told that she can’t have what she wants she goes and cries to mummy, after many chances and refusal to do what is said, I ask mum to leave the daughter in the room to make up her mind and come to us when decided, yet mum refuses to listen and sits there hugging and being all nice to daughter, and dispose me swing No to what she wants because of crying etc etc, mum continues with the lack of discipline and still offers what it is she wants!

These are just 2 examples of the differences and it doesn’t matter how we talk away from our daughter, my wife gets upset with me putting across that I’m too hard on our daughter and I have to be softer! I personally feel that this is not a positive influence and again doesn’t help teach our daughter the difference between right and wrong.

Am I doing something wrong? Am I right in what I do? Can anyone offer any assistance in how to manage this? Does anyone else have this problem?

[Itrytobeagooddad]

Please note “dispose me swing” is supposed to read - dispite me saying!!

[JiltedJohnsJulie]

You sound really, really strict. Have you talked through your differences with your DW? Have you tried posting on Dadsnet for a make perspective?

[Itrytobeagooddad]

I've not posted on Dadsnet yet, I wish to get feedback on the other side first.

Can I ask what it is that makes me look strict?

I give my daughter plenty of chances to do what's asked and if she continues to mess around she will be told off.

Do I just sit there and just keep asking? Do I sit there and give her cuddles or do I discipline??

[Nogodsnomasters]

Disagree with pp you don't sound strict to me at all, if your version of events is entirely true then you are just doing basic discipline which is necessary and your wife is undermining you. I'm not saying your wife is wrong either because we have a 3.5yr old little boy who will come crying to me if his dad has told him off for certain behaviour, if he's extremely upset I will comfort him until he's calm and then ask him to explain what happened (if I was in another room for example) in a child appropriate way I ask what did he do that was naughty etc and I will tell him that he shouldn't have done it and daddy was right to tell him off so why doesn't he go in and say sorry to daddy for that behaviour and make up with him. My dh on the other hand would prefer if I didn't comfort him at all until he's calm enough to speak and I just let him scream n cry blue murder because he's been naughty. There are no real right and wrong ways, and a lot of parents will disagree on discipline. You just need to find a time when ur dd is not around and the environment is calm and sit down with ur wife and tell her how you feel about those certain situations, don't try to say she is wrong or blame her, just explain from your point of view and she might be more receptive to compromise on discipline between the two of you.

[purpleme12]

A lot of children go to the parent after they've been told off by one. I know mine does. I don't think it's bad really if the other parent comforts them after the telling off, just as long as they stick by the telling off and still explain it to the child and stick by the consequences that were given for it.

[jaimelannistersgoldenhand]

It's hard to say if you're too strict/your wife is too soft without knowing specifics.

It is damaging to have parents on different pages and it's going to cause resentment to build long term.