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Step brother 11 touching sister 10- is it just Dr’s and nurses

(34 Posts)
Ihatequeenbees Tue 13-Mar-18 11:14:06

So my daughter, now 10, had become increasingly withdrawn and cried constantly at nothing, suddenly didn’t want to go to school and was an overall mess. Something she hadn’t been before. I finally pushed and pushed and found out my step son, 11, was really bullying her and making her feel worthless, calling her fat etc. I dug a little deeper and it turned out he had been kissing her ‘front bottom’ on a few occasions and when she said no, he would promise to play Minecraft with her afterwards. She says he then didn’t play the game so the next time he asked she said no to being kissed down there. At this point he became very angry with her and said she couldn’t tell anyone or he would be so angry. I had spotted him glare at her often, but thought it was just a sibling thing (we have him 50% of the time). He then had the nerve a few weeks ago to look me in the eye with a big smile and say in a big fake/insincere voice to my daughter “shall we play Doctors?” She said a very fast “no” and withdrew to the computer to FaceTime her friends. I hadn’t realised what it meant at the time. On hearing my daughter pour all of this out to me I stayed at my sisters house that night and have decided to end my 2 year marriage. I wasn’t happy anyway (and I think my husband and his son may have undiagnosed Aspergers) but this was the final straw. Have I done the right thing or was this just a case of doctors and nurses..? I don’t have a son so I don’t quite understand what goes through an 11 year olds head.

EveryoneTalkAboutPopMusic Tue 13-Mar-18 12:17:04

God no, this is totally not a game. Are yiu still sharing a house?

Hopefully someone will be along soon who has some good advice on protecting your DD and getting help for her.

Ihatequeenbees Tue 13-Mar-18 12:34:40

Thanks for your reply... it’s good to hear unbiased opinions. We are in technically still in the same house but my husband has actually only been home for 2 nights in the last 2/3 weeks and the step son once. I have asked via the solicitor that he doesn’t bring the son over again while we work out new living arrangements.

FissionChips Tue 13-Mar-18 12:59:45

I think you need to speak to social services urgently and ask what to do.

FissionChips Tue 13-Mar-18 13:00:21

I imagine your daughter will need counselling at the very least. Poor thing.

Ihatequeenbees Tue 13-Mar-18 13:06:01

I’m scared of letting social services in and not being able to get them out again... and will they completely mess with my daughters head? I want the least amount of drama for my DD possible...

Ihatequeenbees Tue 13-Mar-18 13:07:40

Maybe I should just make sure my DD doesn’t ever see my step son again and take her to a therapist..??

FissionChips Tue 13-Mar-18 13:21:46

Pretty sure a therapist would be obliged to report sexual abuse of a child.
Don’t fear social services, by going to them and asking for help it shows that you know what has gone on is wrong and are prepared to safeguard her. They will not mess with her head at all, they will help her access support.
When somthing like this happens to a child it never just goes away, it will come out at some point and will be all the worse for hiding it.
Please contact social services, think of your daughter.

Penfold007 Tue 13-Mar-18 13:24:56

Please report this immediately to the police via 101. If your STBXH is your DD's father you won't be able to stop him or Stepson having contact unless you report this crime.

CaptainKirkssparetupee Tue 13-Mar-18 13:25:04

It's a dual abuse, you need social services involved.

Ihatequeenbees Tue 13-Mar-18 13:30:32

Why do you think it’s a dual abuse..?? And my husband is not my daughters father and this is her step brother so as I am divorcing my husband I can make sure my DD doesn’t ever see either of them again.

CaptainKirkssparetupee Tue 13-Mar-18 13:35:12

That should be 'Actual' the phone autocorrected

Ihatequeenbees Tue 13-Mar-18 13:40:14

Ooooooh... yes, actual makes more sense. Unfortunately my husband says my DD allegations are unfounded despite having witnessed her changed character himself and at first trying to work out with me what was wrong with her - was she being bullied at school etc -but obviously he didn’t like what I found!

CaptainKirkssparetupee Tue 13-Mar-18 13:42:16

You do need to phone social services or the nspcc as soon as possible and find out what the next steps are.

FissionChips Tue 13-Mar-18 13:42:34

It doesn’t not matter what his opinion of the matter is, that call is for professionals to make.
He should also be concerned as to why his child is displaying such behaviour, it is not normal.

Again, please contact social services.

Ihatequeenbees Tue 13-Mar-18 13:49:01

That’s exactly what I said, either the stepson is being abused or he’s watching porn or else he wouldn’t even know about doing such things. My stepson is very manipulative and a fantastic con. People who meet him say how amazing he is and it’s taken me 3 years to see through it although other mothers at his school have told me they refuse to have play dates with him because he is so horrible to their children. I will contact social services. Their number is busy the whole time!

EveryoneTalkAboutPopMusic Tue 13-Mar-18 16:04:04

Have yiu got through yet?

FissionChips Tue 13-Mar-18 16:18:07

I hope you’ve managed to contact someone flowers

Ihatequeenbees Tue 13-Mar-18 17:00:32

I did speak to someone. NSPCC helpline. They said my stepson needs therapy far more than my DD. They also wanted to refer everything to children’s services and asked for my details to do that. When it’s a child doing things to another child it isn’t called abuse, it’s called sexually damaging behaviour. I’m still scared of opening the can of worms and giving them my address and actually having someone coming to my door so I’m going to sleep on it.

CaptainKirkssparetupee Tue 13-Mar-18 17:02:45

It's important for everyone, far from opening a can of worms.

It's highly likely your step son has been abuse at some point and this will help him too.

Penfold007 Tue 13-Mar-18 17:36:56

Your DD has been subjected to inappropriate sexual abuse on more than one occasion buy her stepbrother and you are 'going to sleep on' deciding whether or not to report!
Please don't do this, pick up the phone and dial 101. What happens when your daughter tells a teacher or other adult that her DM knew that her Stepbrother had touched her inappropriately.

Kleinzeit Tue 13-Mar-18 18:17:17

I am so sorry for what you and your DD are going through flowers

The NSPCC worker has a very good point. Your stepson may have been abused himself or it may be that he needs to be carefully taught boundaries to do with sexual behaviour (and social / bullying behaviour too) which he has not learned properly because of his disability. But either way he does need help very urgently, his behaviour is damaging and disturbing and your husband is too deep in denial to see it. Your stepson may do this to someone else, maybe very soon, or perhaps a bit later when he is old enough to be treated like a real abuser and a criminal.

Better to get this in the open and get help for him now. And for your DD too. Yes it is a can of worms but trying to hide it wont help her either. Going to social services rather than the police in the first instance seems sensible given his age. They will want to check that you are protecting her but you are already doing that by keeping her away from your stepson, so that's OK.

Call the NSPCC back tomorrow and let the NSPCC make the referral if you don't feel confident yourself. flowers

Ihatequeenbees Tue 13-Mar-18 18:36:07

I’m trying to work out the most sensitive way to handle an already tricky situation. I’m also going through a divorce and my husband and his family seem to think I’ve made this up to spite them. I explained this to the helpline but they said children only very rarely ever make such things up. Thank you for your frankness Penfold007...

EveryoneTalkAboutPopMusic Tue 13-Mar-18 19:08:14

It really doesn’t matter what your husband or his family think. You need to do what’s best for your DD as difficult as that may be.

Ihatequeenbees Tue 13-Mar-18 19:31:51

But I think I have down the best thing for my DD, I’ve left my husband because of this. I will report it in the morning.

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