Distressed by my almost 6yo DD’s rage and unhappiness

[hackneymamma]

Worried about my dd and wondering what I can do or try next. First things first, She is a wonderful, creative, super bright and beautiful girl. She is incredibly perceptive and also has a an amazing grasp of language and often stuns me with her drawing and imagination. Me my dh and ds who is 10 all love her dearly and we have a loving supportive family in general.

What is distressing is her angry outbursts which can come out of nowhere and where she can be quite vicious, to me and her family members. She is in Year 1 at school and really struggles conforming to the requirements of teaching, like sitting on the mat, not shouting out, lining up after playtime. In reception the teacher said she had a listening problem which ended up making her feel really bad about herself. Reception was an absolute nightmare- she had huge meltdowns every weekend from September to May, after which discussions with the school helped - she started getting some positive feedback and things improved. We sometimes wondered if she had an actual hearing issue but the routine hearing checks showed it was perfectly fine. The current teacher calls her a chatterbox, a label she finds really upsetting too. I don’t mollycoddle the kids but I can see that she is finding the word hurtful.

To set the scene a bit more, both me and dh work full time and though we’re lucky enough to enjoy (parts of) our work, we make an effort to spend time with them, especially at the weekends. I also pick up two days a week. I started a business last year and that meant a lot of hours after they went to bed. Often think that will have had an impact as well. Since she was a baby she has been very clingy to me. Even now she wants to be next to me all the time which is lovely and exhausting. With the angry tantrums I’ve done my utmost to keep calm and patient, to keep the boundaries and follow through on things. But I’m struggling atm... it is so hard. An example The other day we were making a cardboard house. She wanted to make a roof with some bits that came inside the box and asked me how we could do it. I suggested turning them into beams, and this was not what she had in mind at all and she descended into a rage. She began screaming and then accusing me of all sorts and eventually punching me. I told her that we don’t punch and tried to think of a way to get through. I know that punishment doesn’t work in the long run, but you can’t just let a kid kick and punch when they know fine we’ll that it’s unacceptable. In a film the night before a kid got “grounded” so without thinking it through properly I said she would be grounded if she carried on. This made things 10 times worse and then we had 45 minutes of total rage. I stayed calm and waited for it to end and eventually we made up. These episodes have been more and more frequent and they are very distressing. We are all on eggshells never knowing how the day is going to be. She genuinely seems to not enjoy school and while she often in a good mood in the evenings you always feel it could blow up at any time. We have talked to the teachers again this year and they said she is disruptive and there was a sense that they were out of ideas too. I said that nobody likes to be labelled - I do understand it must be difficult for them but nobody seems to have a clue how to handle the situation. Mornings are either smooth or terrible. So, we’re left with a clearly quite unhappy girl and I’m desperate to help bring some light hearted cheerfulness back into her and all our lives. I read on another thread that all the anxieties are poured out for the mamma and it’s a backhanded compliment which I totally see. And have tried/do try to approach the situation with compassion whenever possible but it’s hard. School is something she has to do, and work is something we have to do. She and I can’t be at home together all day even if i didn’t work. Any thoughts or guidance or even just a digital hug greatly appreciated. Thank you all in advance. You’re wonderful for giving your spare time to help mammas in need 🙏

[EveryoneTalkAboutPopMusic]

My DD has angry outbursts and I’m wondering if you’ve thought of the possibility of Autism? I’d suggest reading up on Autism in Girls as several things you have said do stand out, like the anger, not conforming in the classroom and bring reliant on you. Once you’ve read up, I’d suggest going to see the GP and asking for a referral to a Paed.

[GandTforme]

She is old enough to understand that punching and screaming at people is unacceptable. Is she remorseful afterwards? Did she say sorry for hurting you? In the cardboard house situation I would have packed it all away at the first sign of tantruming, rather than placate her. That's her consequence. No one should be walking on eggshells around their 6 year old.