11 year old DS

[HermiioneSnape02]

Not really sure what to write so I’m writing it in bullet points.

He’s Moody
He’s crying
He’s sensitive
He’s angry
He’s violent
He’s defeated
He’s sad
He thinks he’s not good enough
He thinks he can’t do anything
He thinks he is stupid
He thinks he isn’t any good at School Work

There are no billing issues.

But there are friendship issues.

Falling in and out of friends. Petty name calling and blocking each other on online games.

He goes into school every day no problem laughing and joking with friends.

When he’s home he’s a different boy.

I’ve tried talking to him.
Reasoning with him.
Listening to his tears and letting him cry it out.
I’ve tried stopping him crying and saying to stop being silly.

Nothing works.

He’s the youngest of 4 and is the most sensitive and cry’s for absolutely everything. But this seems worse and there doesn’t seem to be an end in sight.

Any helpful thoughts?

[EveryoneTalkAboutPopMusic]

Could he be being bullied via gaming OP? There is a really useful Preteens Section on MN too which you might find helpful

[jaimelannistersgoldenhand]

It sounds like an online issue. I assume he's using gaming headphones but can you hear what they are talking about?
Your post suggests to me that he needs to be banned from online gaming with friends. Is he on social media? Are there any hints there?

My son is the same age and plays online games with friends. He has a headset so I can only hear what he says but some kids do seem to get easily wound up by them

[Feather85]

I am also having similar issues with my 9yr old. Online gaming seems to cause a lot of problems with them removing each other from the game or falling out. And I seem to get the brunt of it as he feels I should be able to sort it out, but I feel I would be constantly messaging other parents and it would seem petty?
His group of friends at school seem to have a love/hate relationship and there have been a few issues with falling out and scuffling at play time. Last night he said he wanted to go to a different school (he has expressed this before but it settled down) and I’m at a loss what to do. He says school is boring and teachers just shout at you and other kids goad him and he reacts and gets into trouble. I’ve explained that all schools have the same rules and same curriculum.
I’m finding this stage very difficult and it’s hard to determine whether it’s behaviour or there is something really bothering him.
Sorry if this isn’t helpful to your post, just know you aren’t alone 😊 x

[surlycurly]

Jings I was about to start a thread that was exactly the same about my 11yr old. He's emotional and angry, sulky and difficult when I ask him to do anything. He is very bright and popular but seems to go through stages of real insecurity and is miserable. He also really loathes his older sister and they do nothing but bicker. It's exhausting and worrying

[PersonAtHome]

I too have a 10 year old (11 in a month) DS who is being very tricky at the moment. We're getting lots of angry outbursts and some tearful outbursts, along with various insecure feelings.

I seem to remember my DS14 going through similar ish things at the same age, though it wasn't as pronounced with him.

In my darker moments I worry that he has some mental health issues and think that we should be getting some kind of help for his behaviour at home, then at other moments I swing to thinking it's normal for his age and stage and this is a pre-teen thing.

I wish I had the answers. It's exhausting and worrying.

[Feather85]

It’s reassuring to hear that other parents are going through the same thing. I’m finding it a really anxious time. I have spoken to my friend today who has degrees in mental health and counsels children’s. She was very helpful and reassured and explained that it’s a difficult age and children don’t know how to express their worries like we do. When we looked at all the little changes he had had over the past year it was no wonder we had noticed changes in his behaviour.
She advised that I talk to school as they have counselling services and support for parents.
I think the biggest thing I have learned this week is not to take it personal (his behaviour) and remember it’s not the child that is the problem it’s the behaviour. Any tips for backchat consequences would be appreciated 😊

[PersonAtHome]

That sounds interesting and very positive Feather85

[Feather85]

Thank you PersonAtHome, I’m hoping with support and education on my part things will improve. I’ve found some of the articles on Empowering Parents helpful also 😊 xx

[tiger14]

So glad I found this. I have a 12 year old DD and her behaviour is off the wall. It has been for some time. She flips and then almost has a a temper tantrum like a toddler but is violent with it. Hitting, kicking, biting, raging...... I honestly don't know what to do. I have two younger children (DD 9 & DS 6) who copy this behaviour, they are all rude, cheeky, answer back. I'm failing them as a parent and I don't know what to do. MoSt of her anger is aimed at her sister, even when she hasn't done anything. At school they are all brilliant, well behaved, etc. But home life is just a nightmare, constant battles, arguing....... I'm not sure I can cope with it much longer, it's causing argumens between me and hubby. Tried school, they weren't really that interested as she so good at school. They said try doctor. I did ry him a couple of years ago and they just said oh well you obviously have a good bond...... Any advice would be so welcomed.

[Feather85]

Morning tiger14, please don’t feel you are failing as a parent, the fact that you have asked for help proves that you aren’t.
Like you, im at the beginning and still feeling very anxious and worried about how to handle it all.
I would approach school again and ask that they put you in touch with their pastoral team who should then be able to refer you on to family/children’s services (depending on area, I know different boroughs work differently)
Also I’ve started reading calmer happier parenting which seems good so far and I’ve ordered the book “you and your tween” which I’m hoping will give me lots of tips on how to handle the behaviour he is expressing.
Always remember it’s not your daughter it’s the behaviour, please don’t take it personally xx

[PersonAtHome]

Feather85 Come back and let us know what the book is like.

tiger14 Good luck, hopefully someone will come along with some advice.

[AuntLydia]

I was about to start a very similar thread. My 11 year old boy is all over the place at the moment. He has periods of being utterly, utterly miserable. Sobbing and saying he wishes he'd never been born. 30 minutes later he bounces back and is laughing and joking. He can't sleep properly, taking hours to fall asleep which makes the mood swings worse. He gets very upset about quite minor things to the point where school have referred him onto their counselling service which he has just started. He is very bright and has a good gang of friends and a nice teacher but absolutely hates school.

It's school holidays here but today has still been tough. Trying to get him off his playstation for a bit of fresh air and he was so tearful and over the top about it, I gave up and gave him the house key and sent him home while I carried on to the park with the others.

I just don't know what to do, like the rest of you I feel I'm failing him somehow. He genuinely has a chilled out, stable home life. He has two sisters who adore him. We are debating taking him to the gp. I'm terrified he's going to end up with serious mental health issues.

[AuntLydia]

I should add, he is very well behaved. No temper tantrums, no attitude, he's just so unhappy.