How to get 2 yr old to go to sleep on her own

[GillL]

My 2.1 year old dd has just gone into her own bedroom for the first time. When she was a baby we used to be able to put her to bed awake and she would go to sleep by herself but when she was about 9 months she started crying when we left the room and, unfortunately, since then we have always had to stay with her until she goes to sleep. This is fine on the days she takes only 30 minutes but normally it takes at least an hour and a half (sometimes up to 3 hours) and she messes about a lot - talking, sitting up etc.

What I really need is some advice on getting her to go to sleep on her own. It is especially important that we get this sorted out now because our next one is due in August and we really can't be dealing with this with a newborn as well.

How long do you think we should leave her to settle into her bedroom before we start sleep training? Will a week be enough for her to get used to it? Also, we're hoping a gentle method like gradually getting further and further away from her will work. The only thing I worry about with this is that when we actually get out of her bedroom we won't know if she's asleep and if we try to sneak away and hit a creaky floorboard (we have lots) it might disturb her.

I guess the last resort would be controlled crying. Now she's in a bed is it going to be more difficult than if she was confined to a cot? I'm sure she's going to get out of bed straight away and go to the gate. Sorry to go on - what do you think?

[CoteDAzur]

You stay with DD in the room "up to three hours" until she falls asleep?

Would she not understand if you explain to her that she is now a big girl who has her own room and her own bed, and that means she can now sleep in her bed with her favourite dolls to keep her company? That mommy and daddy are always there if she needs them but that from now on there will be no more 3-hour circus before sleep?

She might not be too happy with this change, but don't give in, be consistent, and she will adapt in a couple of days.

Good luck!

[MadeForIt]

Hiya, i have 2.2 year old too and used to have to sit by her bed also. Sometimes for several hours, it used to send me quite doolally! Because it could only be mummy! I had to bite the bullet and do some controlled crying, it was awful for the first week, she screamed for a good hour and then it gradually reduced and now she just goes down quite happily and i hear her singing to her dollys before she nods off!

She was sick just before xmas and then we had to do it all over again but it only took a few nights. It's well worth it if you can bare it! Good luck. x

Oh dd was in a cot though, we haven't dared take the sides down yet... i suppose you would have to keep picking her up and lieing her back down as part of the controlled crying. I'm sure another mnetter will be able to suggest a good book.

[lucyellensmum]

you have my sympathy, and empathy. Our dd is 22months and still not sleeping through the night, she is still in our room and because i have to sit and hold her hand (often for over an hour) to get her to sleep if she wakes up in the night, youve guessed it. Its doing nothing for my relationship with DD so can i jump on your thread and ask a collective HELP. Do not want to cc as she has breath held in the past so would be too scared.

[lucyellensmum]

sorry i meant to say doing nothing for my relationship with DP not DD. Shes great she is

[GillL]

Thanks for all the posts so far. Feel free to jump in lucyellensmum.

Muminfife. That's a great idea. I'll try that or maybe put some music on.

CoteDAzur - I've tried explaining to her that she's a big girl now and should go to sleep on her own and she nods and says yes. Then when I try to leave the room she starts screaming. I'm starting to think we are just going to have to put up with her screaming for a few nights.

[lucyellensmum]

we can't put dd in own room yet, it doesnt exist as we have to knock walls down to make it etc. Have spoken to HV but dont really get more advice than "well she needs her own room" and patronising explanations of sleep patterns and missing pillows!!

[GillL]

Some of them have no idea. They think all kids should behave the way it says in 'the book'. Fortunately I don't have much involvement with health visitors. I don't think anyone has come to see dd for over a year. I much prefer to get advice from experienced mums on here.

[lucyellensmum]

my HV is a lovely lady but when i went to her a second time about dd's sleep issues and she recited the same, more or less word for word, shpeel about sleep patterns and pillow loss metaphors i gave up. HV do have a good role as a first point for concern, my dd has speech delay and ive managed to get her on to a speech therapy course in less than three months, start next week so for that they are great. I just think that they do get used to talking to mums who really don't have a clue or are not very confident and forget that most of us are quite intelligent and have tried all the common sense stuff before we approach them.

We thinking of getting dd a cot bed when her room is done but i notice lots of mums putting into beds at two, so may have to rethink that one

[ukcloggie]

Hi, another note of sympathy from someone who's been there! My dd started climbing out of her cot at 20 months so we got a bed for her and this is where the fun really started! She was never a good sleeper and I also had to faff about for hours sometimes before she would fall asleep.
We did rapid return (I think it's called), where we would take her by the hand and put back in bed everytime she came out. Which during the first week could be over 40 times! It took nearly 2 weeks where it gradually got better but even now she'll still try it on! Although I know it's really difficult, you have to try and stay really calm and consistent, which at 3pm after an hour of returning to bed is almost impossible! Good luck!

[CoteDAzur]

lucyellensmom - If you search breath holding on the internet, you will see that neither kids nor adults can harm themselves by holding their breath. It is just not possible. It might be a good idea to ignore it completely if she starts holding her breath again. I would hate to encourage DD in thinking "If I hurt myself mommy will do what I want".

Gill - I think your instinct is right - you will have to let her scream for a few nights. Of course we are not talking about abandoning her all night, but to let her scream for a few minutes, go in to comfort her, kiss her, tell her mommy and daddy are here but DD will be sleeping now. Go out, come back in five minutes and do the same. Then go out, come back in ten minutes, then 20 min, etc. Once she sees you mean it, she will get tired of the whole charade and go to sleep.

Good luck. Don't give in, be consistent, and she will adapt to the new rules in no time

[themoon66]

Mine were fine after I reasoned with them and agreed to leave the landing light and the bedroom doors open.

[mumblechum]

Not really helpful, I'm afraid, but I was always q. firm with ds, bedtime was bedtime, I'd read him a story then leave a low lamp on and go down. He never got up unless there was some crisis (eg spider in room) BUT just wanted to warn you that a friend of mine has a dd of EIGHT and either her or dp has to lay on bed next to her till she goes to sleep.

It would drive me nuts, they just don't get an evening together and one of them even gets up on weekend mornings to play with her so they don't get Sunday morning shags etc.

Nip it in the bud is this heartless mother's recommendation

[lucyellensmum]

Cote - i probably was a little misleading, My daughter actually passed out when she was about 10months old after falling over. Due to the fact that she cried so hard that she couldnt get enough oxygen in. I really do not think that a 20m old child has the intellectual capacity to be quite so manipulative, maybe yours are more intelligent than mine. I just find the whole idea of CC a little harsh TBH -i know i certainly wouldnt like the thought of my little girl sobbing for five minutes, let alone 20!

I feel like a bad mother because my dd doesnt sleep well and my DP is tired beyond description but i think i'll give it a miss thanks.

I know people that also have to do the same with older children, and YES i do miss my sunday morning shag, so i just find other times.........monday night, tuesday night, wednesday.........etc etc oh yes!

[lucyellensmum]

i am fully aware of the physiological response which prevents a person from breath holding, but having seen my baby laying in my arms not breathing, only for a second even, is enough to make me a little sensitive, as it would others.

[ZipadiSuzy]

Sorry I havent read the whole thread, but I have twins who are now 3.6 and we had 4 hours sleep for 3 years to the point of cracking up,

With the help of doctors, HV and community nursery nurse (whom I recommend you try) we now get +10 hours sleep.

We tried the supernanny approach, taking them back to bed, was like breaking a horse in I guess, but it didn't work for us with twins, we were getting up 200 times a night.

So in the end, it was 6.30pm bath, 7.00pm bottle then 7.30pm story in bed, then we ALL went to bed 8.00pm and just ignored screaming, DS got out of bed and screamed in our ears for 20 minutes, then he just toddled off to bed with his sister and we havent had any problems since. Only took 3 nights, yes 3 nights, and we can just go downstairs after story now aswell.

After trying all the tricks in the book, this is what worked for us, so good luck, each child is different, we also took time off from work so that if it became too tiring, we could have a rest in the day. But we were determined! it was very hard but we did it!

My chat name used to be sleepysooz now its ZipadiSuzy, thats how its changed our lifes!

[GillL]

Thanks all. I have agreed with dh to do cc. I agree with you lucyellensmum that it is very harsh but for us nothing else has worked. We have tried something similar when dd refused to lay down in her cot - we walked downstairs and let her scream for about 30 seconds and then went back up and asked her to lay down. If she didn't do it then we went back downstairs. She soon got the message and, within a couple of nights she was laying down to go to sleep (shame she didn't actually go to sleep within a reasonable time). It was heartbreaking to hear her scream but it worked. I always said I would never do cc as dd used to make herself sick within a few minutes but she doesn't tend to do that these days. We're just going to wait a few more days until she's settled in her room and then we'll get going.

[lucyellensmum]

Good luck with that GillL, i may end up down that route in the end, not so desperate yet. Ask me when i have sat up with her for 3 hours and i may feel differently. I do know lots of people who have done the cc thing and think its great. Its just not for us at this moment in time.

[ZipadiSuzy]

I take my hat off to anybody that has tried cc with a baby in a cot, we didn't try anything till twins were in proper beds, but boy did we suffer for it! just shows it pays to do it as soon as they are born!!!!! der! (from worlds most rubbish mum)

[mistersmum]

had same sort of problems with our DS a few months ago and had to keep reading to him or be in the room until he went to sleep, and did that sitting further away thing (my knees crack and would wake him up so I used to try to time leaving the room with a car going passed outside to disguise the noise!.) Got fed up of that so did kind of controlled crying 'mummy back in 5 min' and added 2 min each time , so was going back to him after 7, 9 etc. He used to scream, try all sots of different cries etc to get our attention but within a few days/week he was going to sleep by himself ( touchwood). I also think it helps to do it with someone else around as it did wind me up and you end up wanting to give in. And I am almost obsessive about his bedtime routine as we did have such a rubbish time before he was sleeping better. Also does your DD have a nap in the day? IS she overtired in the evening and that might be contributing?

[lucyellensmum]

dd has up to three hours sleep in the afternoon, i cut it down to two yesterday - she was mis er a ble !"!!

[SofiaAmes]

I find that a bedtime ritual is really crucial to getting children settled. I always read at least one story per child (dd and ds share a room) and let them pick the stories. I then give each a few minutes special cuddle time (with the light off) and then say my special good night which is "night, night, sleep tight, don't let the bed bugs bite." I have been saying it to them since they were born and I think somehow it has become a mental trigger that now it really is time to go to sleep. Sometimes I tease them by changing it a little and they always insist on my saying it correctly before they let me leave the room.
Good luck. The cc is a heartache, but well worth it for both you and your child in the end. I did it with ds when he was 6 months and found earplugs effective. It never did work properly with dd.

[GillL]

mistersmum - I think part of the problem is that she has a late sleep. She used to have a nap around 3pm when mum picked the kids up from school but since we got rid of her dummy she will not sleep in the day. This means that she sleeps in the car on the way home (around 6pm) and we just cannot wake her up when we get home. We don't let her sleep past 7:30 and try to get her to bed around 8:30. It's really frustrating that she does this but there's nothing I can do about it.

When do kids grow out of having to sleep in the day?

[taragon]

After months of doing the rapid return with both my children i have now found the perfect answer that works wonders with my ds and dd. After tucking them in and reading a story I put on talking short stories on their tape recorders. They fall asleep listening to them. The only time I have a problem is when the tape is too short for them to fall asleep and then has to be turned over.

[GillL]

I've spent the last couple of nights doing rapid return. Last night it took about an hour an a half and tonight it took an hour. I'm hoping she will get the message within the next couple of days as I'll be back to work on Tuesday and very tired. I've seen this work on lots of tv programs like 'House of Tiny Tearaways's so I'm cautiously optimistic. Anyone got any success stories to keep my hopes up?