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Dd6 obsessed with another child(8 Posts)
Hi i wonder if anyone has any advice about this.
My dd has a friendship with another girl in her class that is very one-sided. It started off with my dd giving the other child very big, tight hugs for too long and overwhelming her. A teacher once took me to once side and said that dd had made the other child cry because she insisted on singing to her. Eventually, on the way out of school the other child was telling mine that she was "doing her head in" - me and her mum kind of laughed but it was awkward. As it stands, other child's mum now avoids us.
Another child in their class said to dd in front of others, "you get on (child's) nerves". Other child said nothing, dd said she felt very embarrassed.
Tonight dd has sang me a song all about how much so adores other child, and about why she is obsessed with her...
This is no longer a friendship, i don't actually know if it ever was.
Has anyone else had to deal with this
Does she have any other friends?
I'd be talking to the teacher and say that your dd needs to be kept away from the other girl (their parents may have requested this already) The teacher may be able to help encourage your dd to make new friends- many schools have nurture groups, organised playground games, friendship benches...
I agree with Jamie. Also it might help to think of this as more of a social skills issue than an obsession. Six year olds can be very self obsessed and they are still learning to see things from other people's perspective and think about other people's feelings. It's fine for your DD to feel very strongly and to sing about her feelings to you. But she needs to think about her friend's reactions and how to behave to a friend. If she likes someone it's fine to ask her to play - but she has to accept gracefully that the other girl may say no, and may want to play with her other friends as well. Because that's how good friends behave. Singing endlessly to her friend - not so good. Did her friend want to listen to her song? How could she find out? And hugging her - did her friend want to be hugged? Would DD like to be hugged hard by friend X or friend Y (not the special friend)? Those kinds of things.
(sorry I didn't quite finish what I meant to say) - those are the kind of things can you talk through with your DD, so she has a better understanding of how to make friends as time goes by.
Thanks for your thoughtful replies.
I asked dd's teacher last year if they could be separated but they are on the same level in every subject and it just wasn't possible.
According to the teachers from this year and last, dd seems happy and sociable and flits between different kids depending on how she feels. So, the issue feels difficult to solve if it isn't really on the teachers radar! I have seen both kids get on okay, but its the intensity from dd's side that upsets the applecart.
I broached the subject tonight with her but she got so upset with me, shouting and crying that it makes her feel sad and embarrassed
Im wondering if the only option left is to leave the issue be and hope the intensity fizzles out. She did actually have a similar issue with a different child in nursery, but they were separated into different classes for Reception year and the distance completely solved it. I have no idea if the decision to separate them was deliberate or not, i often wonder
She can be very intense and emotional with me, she tends to burst into tears over seemingly small issues so its as if her little body contains huge amounts of emotion and she just cant take it!
I often wonder if anyone else has a child like this and how this all evolved as they grew older.
I think it's appropriate developmentally at this point to talk about "friend crushes" and why one-sided friendship isn't a good thing. It's also fine to say that it's very normal to develop these crushes, and that it doesn't mean she's bad or wrong, but it does mean she needs to consider the needs and feelings of others first.
Talk to her about how this is something that will pass in time, and that there will come a day when this girl is just another person she knows. It won't work overnight, but it's good social skills training that will be good for her to know for the rest of her life.
I agree I think it's common with girls to have friend "crushes" and completely normal, my dd is 7 and most of her friends seem to be desperate to have a best friend and get very territorial over each other! I don't think her feelings and emotional reactions are anything to worry about, my dd can be so emotional too, sometimes I worry she's gone straight from year 1 to the hormonal pre teen stage! I do really empathise with her when she gets emotional about things that seem minor to poor baffled dh sometimes, but I remember feeling the same. I think the thing I find hard to deal with is how angry she's getting now and loses her temper rather than just being stroppy, but that's a different issue altogether.
If the other little girl isn't reciprocating I would just keep on gently reminding your dd to work on other friendships and try tomestablish new ones. If you are able to after school maybe suggest she invites someone for tea or arrange some play dates in the holidays. My dd was best friends with another little girl for the first two years at school, they were joined at the hip and the teacher had to keep separating them because they didn't even want to engage with any other children in their class of 30, it was getting so full on it was holding her back like her worrying her bf would be ill and not at school, she was getting so reliant on her bf she was losing confidence in just being herself. I just kept reminding her every day til I was blue in the face that it's good to have different friends, and if she never even tries playing with others she might be missing out on really good friendships, different friends add different things to your day etc. Your dd might find another friend who really likes her singing to them! It's important she doesn't change who she is to suit others, ok they do need to learn about other people's boundaries, but apart from giving slightly more gentle hugs if someone finds it too hard, or some people don't like hugs (my dd has a friend who they all have learnt doesn't like hugs or holding hands etc), it's all a learning curve. With my dd her bff obsession has really fizzled out this year, as they're getting older and liking different things, personalities emerging more, they've drifted and both made other friendships. If they do go through a lovey dovey stage again it never lasts more than a few days because they either fall out over something, like who's turn it is to choose the game they play at whichever break time it is, or they just get bored of just playing with each other and move on to their other friends, some are completely separate and some they are both friends with. Also just to add I think it's a bit unkind the other child saying your dd was annoying her and doing her head in, if it was my dd saying that I'd be apologetic to you both and then at home give her a talk about not saying hurtful things to / about people! X
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