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I've failed my four year old

(8 Posts)
KiteMarked Thu 04-Jan-18 21:45:38

I feel so bad about this. My four year old DD has been wetting herself for years.

When she was about 18 months old, I noticed she was waking up dry every night so I introduced the potty (gently). It was summer, we had laminate floors, so she had a lot of naked time and was in knickers surprisingly quickly, although I still needed to help her of course.

Time went on, and I always supported her by reminding her to use the toilet or helping with clothing etc. I thought she was doing well, but we had a few set backs when we moved house (3 houses in six months, it was crazy) and then I was pregnant/new baby. She would wet herself more often after these stressful times, but I accepted that as normal and tried to carry on.

But now she's four and still wets herself 2-5+ times a day. I spoke to our health visitor about it, who took me very seriously and said it could very well be a physical issue. We've already been to the GP and she doesn't have an infection, but there may well be a hormone imbalance.

It's suddenly become clear to me that all those times she's had so-called setbacks have actually just been times when I haven't been actively managing her toileting through constant reminders. She knows what the toilet is for, and she's happy to go, but it would appear that she doesn't have a clear sensation of a full bladder or something?

Just tonight she was changing out of wet trousers (again) and was urinating on the floor as she did so, apparently oblivious. (She said she didn't know, at any rate, but it's hard to say if that is accurate)

I feel so tired and rubbish. Is this my fault for putting her into knickers so young? She's been told off more than once for wetting herself while sitting on the couch or on my bed, and now I'm feeling horribly guilty because it seems she couldn't control it, and maybe never could really, it was just masked by me pre-empting the accidents.

The HV has referred her to the enuresis clinic even though she is younger than 5 because this issue is so long-standing. I just wish I'd left her in nappies until she was 3+ right now. I feel like I've damaged her.

OP’s posts: |
auberginesandcourgettes Thu 04-Jan-18 21:51:22

Of course it's not your fault, and nothing to do with potty training at 18 months. You followed her cues, and the training appeared to go well, what else could you have done? The regressions you mentioned are normal too, lots of toddlers would go through a regression upon moving house or a new baby. Whatever the issue is, I hope you get some support now, but don't beat yourself up about this.

KiteMarked Thu 04-Jan-18 21:58:31

Thank you. I appreciate your kind words. I just wish I didn't get cross with her, although at one point all three of our couches were peed on in one day. Why didn't I see that as a Big Problem sooner, I wonder.

OP’s posts: |
Snoopyokay Thu 04-Jan-18 22:19:34

Not your fault at all. As long as you are being supportive towards her, she won't remember when she's older so don't beat yourself up!

KiteMarked Thu 04-Jan-18 22:51:54

Oh I hope.she doesn't remember!!

OP’s posts: |
34weeksAndCounting Fri 05-Jan-18 16:27:20

I feel exactly the same with my son, although poos!! I potty trained at 2.5, I'd tried at 2 and he didn't get it, but at 2.5 he took to the wees really well when naked and then had a bit of a set back with pants on but then was absolutely fine... he used to poo his pants without even realising and then because he got so upset by this he began holding on to it and only going in his sleep in his nappy.

I went to the docs and health visitor and asked if I should hold off on potty training as he obviously wasn't ready and they said to keep going, I wish I'd gone with my instinct and stopped because a year later, we're still in the same boat, he has a genuine fear about it and I worry I may have told him off for pooing but can't remember, we've been to the doctors numerous times and tried different medications, last month he started pooing on the toilet but now has regressed again and back to nappies in his sleep. I feel awful because a lot of focus is on the poo issue now and doctors have said we have to keep at it otherwise he'll never get out of the habit, but he just doesn't want to do it!

He also holds on to his wee a lot and still has to be encouraged to take himself to the toilet and I'm constantly thinking what have I done to him!!!! But everyone has said to me that even if I hadn't potty trained early I still might have the same issues now and if he hadn't been ready for potty training he wouldn't have done it. Still makes you feel awful though doesn't it?? All we did was what we thought was best as parents and the fact we feel guilty shows how much we care!! Xx

auberginesandcourgettes Fri 05-Jan-18 21:58:20

34Weeks, my DS also holds onto his wee for as long as possible. I hate pressuring him to go, but on the other hand worry that he will end up with a UTI if I don't. I potty trained him at 2.11 and he is 3.4 now. He had shown no signs of being interested in potty training before we started, which is probably why he still resists going.

TinkerBell13672910 Sun 07-Jan-18 09:24:13

@auberginesandcourgettes I was 34weeksandcounting now changed my name! Sounds like my son, he didn't show any interest but didn't resist potty training and did pick it up. Awful having to pester them to go but my son has had a uti because of it!

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