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Behaviour/development

Why does he just push it with me?

32 replies

Chloe55 · 23/04/2007 20:40

Ds is 14mth old. I work part-time wed/thur/fri when he is in nursery. I clean for my nanna on a monday and she takes him to visit relatives all day. I spend all day tues, just me and him. DH and I spend all weekend with him. I normally do all the baths and put to beds. So, basically he spends much more time with me due to dh's work commitments.

Anyway, getting the point - over the past few weeks ds has started to not listen to anything I say to him - if I tell him not to do something he just smiles, nods his head and carries on, if we are walking anywhere and he doesn't want to go in that particular direction he sits down and throws his head back (quite literally, he has hurt himself many times by cracking it on the floor ), he rarely lets me feed him (although I do try to let him feed himself more often than not). Yesterday, we were in ASDA and he more or less screamed from the minute we got in until we got home, just because I wouldn't let him play with my handbag.

Whenever he starts with a total tantrum then I just completely ignore him - I literally turn the blinkers on and act normal and eventually he will stop (it's amazing how you really couldn't care less what other people think around you isn't it And, if he doesn't want to eat and throws another tantrum then I just ignore him again and wait until he has calmed down to hand over the food.

Now, I can appreciate that this is probably normal behaviour from a toddler and that he will eventually learn his limits/learn I'm not interested in his paddy fits but he is good as gold with DH/nanna/mum etc. Like today - he wouldn't eat for me but when I left the room he actually gave the spoon to my nanna to feed him and he ate the lot Or he can be in a really abd mood all day with me then DH will come home and he is all happy again.

Do you think he is like this with me because he spends most time with me so pushes it or do you think I am going wrong somewhere - would you just ignore temper tantrums or am I sort of giving him free rein to throw a hissy fit? When he first starts I give him 'the look' and tell him no firmly but he completely ignores me.

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Elasticwoman · 23/04/2007 20:49

When mine were toddlers, I used to think it was right to try to ignore tantrums in the hope that they wouldn't have them if they didn't achieve anything. When talking about it with a hv one day though, the hv said that once the child gets into a full blown paddy he starts to scare himself and it is appropriate to hold and try to comfort them. I did that from then on, and I found that they calmed down quicker.

This doesn't address your main problem of why he has more tantrums for you than for other carers, I know.

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Chloe55 · 23/04/2007 20:53

Dh questioned me today when I told him about the paddy in ASDA - he said I should have comforted him instead, I would have done had he actually been crying real tears but he was so obviously faking it as when anyone talked to him with your typical sypathetic "Oh dear little boy, what's with all the tears?" Then he would stop and whinge instead.

I do comfort him when he hurts himself in a tantrum (liek when he bangs his head on the floor from flinging back)

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LittleEgg · 23/04/2007 20:54

I have a 14-month old DS too who is just trying to start tantrums... He is definitely worst with me. I am a SAHM and so spend all day every day with him. Do all meals etc. 90% of the time he is a good little man but he screams blue murder if he wants something of mine (like you said with your DS and your handbag). He never stops doing something if I tell him no, and when I remove him from whatever it is, he usually screams and tries to throw himself on the floor (also throws head back, luckily not hit it hard yet).

Went to see my parents today and DS went to stick his fingers in the video. My dad said fairly quietly, "no XXX", and DS stopped! It worked three different times today. He also does not play up so much to my DH as me. I think (could be wrong) that children tend to often be naughtier with their "main" carer. Hope someone else comes along and adds some advice as would be very interested!!!

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colditz · 23/04/2007 20:55

No, it's because you are his mum. they all do it to the person doing the most care, that's why he's doing it to you. He feels that it's 'safe' to push his luck with you, he obviously knows you love him.

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Chloe55 · 23/04/2007 20:56

Thank God for that LittleEgg - I know not for you but at least I'm not alone

I wonder if it is just that others don't tell them no as often as we do so therefore they take more notice.

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MrsFish · 23/04/2007 20:57

I think he is just trying to find where his boundries lie with you tbh.

As regards the tantrums I read that it is because they are getting frustrated that they can not communicate with you to the extent they need to make you realise what they want. Also once they start they work themselves into such a state they can no longer control it which in turns scares them and makes them worse. It said to make sure they were in a safe position where no harm could come to them, don't shout at them and let them ride it out. Once they have stopped give them a big cuddle and reassure them that everything will be alright.

I think you are handling it right as per your explanation and he will soon realise the boundries, just make sure you are consistent with him over each hurdle.

Good Luck

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Chloe55 · 23/04/2007 20:58

How do we get them to know it's not 'safe' though - I dread the day I tell him no when he is about to step into the road/stroke a nasty dog/stick his finger in a plug socket/drink some bleach (you catch my drift) and he just ignores me

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LittleEgg · 23/04/2007 20:58

Definitely agree with Colditz. Am sure DS just knows that he can push it with me and nothing BAD ever happens... We all laughed at how instantly DS stopped playing with the video when my dad said no.

I do also ignore him or distract and it often works. Have (thankfully) not had any public tantrums yet.

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Chloe55 · 23/04/2007 21:01

I just have to say after reading through my posts that he is generally a very happy child most of the time and absolutely adorable in so many ways

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LittleEgg · 23/04/2007 21:02

Have noticed when DS is in danger (like when FoolishLittleEgg forgot to close the top stairgate and saw him teetering at the top about to step down), I shout "no" in a different tone of voice as am genuinely scared, and he seems to hear that and actually listen. Might not always happen though.

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LittleEgg · 23/04/2007 21:03

Ah dont worry Chloe! Am sure he is adorable. 14 month old boys are fab! I also always worry if I post anything negative about DS that people might remember him as "the one who has tantrums" etc etc.

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snowleopard · 23/04/2007 21:06

I agree it's probably because he trusts you and knows you love him. My DS is like this with me too - he's 22 months but the tantrums started early - and our set-up is like yours, I work p-t and he's in nursery 3 days. Just today the nursery staff told me how great he was at helping to tidy up which was funny as he's started refusing to do it at home. With the main carer, they can push it to the max because they know they won't be abandoned. It's with you that he can really let off steam and express himself - as well as the testing boundaries thing. I find knowing that helps me stay calm, and I just (calmly) ignore and comfort him as seems appropriate. It sounds as if you're handling it really well and definitely not doing something wrong.

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cheekymonk · 23/04/2007 21:06

I sympathise Littlegg i really do. My ds is very much like that now at 2.3. He will blatantly step into the road, randomly run off and doesn't take a blind bit of notice half the time so I have to use physical restriction to make sure he stays safe and alive! I get all the sh*t too and it gets me down esp when my mum points out that he plays up the most for me as though it is my personal failing. I think it is because they are most secure with their main care giver but it is still hard to deal with. just try and remember that you are the centre of his world and he loves you dearly but can't always express it in a positive way x

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cheekymonk · 23/04/2007 21:07

Whoops sorry chloe55, I meant to say

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snowleopard · 23/04/2007 21:07

Actually I wouldn't rely on telling my DS to get out of danger at the moment - he's too fast and impulsive. I try to make sure I'm close enough to grab him.

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Chloe55 · 23/04/2007 21:12

I knwo you are all right when you are saying it is because they know we love them and won't abandon them but it just really gets me down.

Like, with the ASDA episode, when I got home I handed him over to dh, told him he was being a little bastard , walked down the road and burst into tears - partly because I was stressed from the outing, partly because I hadn't had chance to take it out on anyone but mostly because I referred to ds as a little bastard When I said this dh said he is a baby, you need to remember that - of course he's a baby, I know that and that's why I didn't get stressed with him and took some timeout instead. I then felt doubly bad because dh thought I had been stroppy with ds when I had actually been impressed with my coolness going round ASDA, ignoring the tantrum, ignoring the stares from disapproving people.

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cheekymonk · 23/04/2007 21:12

Yes i agre snowleopard. am considering wrist restraints but am sure they are not recommended by hv? But then neither is a runover child

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Chloe55 · 23/04/2007 21:14

I have tried reins (sp) - nightmare, I can't get further than 3 feet without ds sitting down on me!

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cheekymonk · 23/04/2007 21:14

I do v signs behind my ds back- awful I know but makes me feel bettr. Also call him everything under my breath/walk away so he doesn't hear me. You can't be mary poppins all the time...

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Chloe55 · 23/04/2007 21:14

at V signs!!!

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cheekymonk · 23/04/2007 21:16

I know i'm not proud of it but its better than a smack!

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snowleopard · 23/04/2007 21:18

With DS I have various rules like he has to hold my hand on a busy street (it's OK not to on side streets but he still has to for crossing roads) - if he refuses he gets put in the buggy or gets carried. He knows that you "stop and wait" when you come to a road, and I always walk on the road side and watch him constantly. It is slowly sinking in, though it does involve physical restraint but I don't see that I have much choice.

But I do agree that if you are genuinely terrified as you yell "No!" they tend to sense that.

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InTheseShoes · 23/04/2007 21:20

I think (and this might be me just trying to make myself feel better) but children at this age are "naughtier2/more challenging/whatever with the person they spend the most time with because they are sure that person really loves them and are testing boundaries with them first because they are "safe". With others (dh's/grandparents etc) they are not as confident, so do as they are told because they want to be loved.

Could be bollocks, but a theory that got me through a few bad times. As for managing that behaviour, you've had some great advice here.

Hope that you feel better

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snowleopard · 23/04/2007 21:22

I do that kind of childish thing that you do when someone is arguing with you and you just go "Oh bleh ble-bleh ble-bleh" in a silly voice, when DS is refusing everything and throwing everything and generally being a nightmare. It's something DP and I do if we're getting ratty with each other and it defuses the tension - and it helps me with DS too, it is much easier if you can see the funny side. I have even been known to go "aaaarrrrrrgggggggggggggghhh!" in frustration and fall onto the floor and roll around, eg when DS is refusing to get dressed or whatever - which makes him laugh his head off and kind of resets the situation.

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Chloe55 · 23/04/2007 21:25

Must admit, I nearly pulled the first denfence advert trick in the middle of ASDA - might have even achieved a few more stares

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