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"Consequences" for 8 year old

(7 Posts)
brexitschmexit Mon 27-Nov-17 11:25:29

Just curious as to what consequences/sanctions you give your 8 year olds (or thereabouts).

Having some issues with DS at the moment, including being called into school for a meeting with his teacher as they feel he has been increasingly silly/difficult recently. They said his behaviour is not what they have come to expect of him, and they want to nip things in the bud, so have introduced a book to send home giving brief details of behaviour that day.

I have noticed an increase in rudeness/back chat at home, and whilst I do not tolerate this, I’m not sure I am consistently giving appropriate consequences for it. I do for example send him to his room, tell him we don’t speak to people like that, remove tv privileges.

I could do with your tips on how you approach rudeness/defiance in particular, but also what consequences you would give for lying (I have found out he has lied to me about some school related behaviour, no doubt to avoid further punishment, but I find this completely unacceptable as I need to be able to trust what he tells me so that I can support him if necessary). For me, lying is often worse than the bad behaviour itself. I just sometimes feel at a loss for how to address the issue and what is appropriate as a sanction/punishment.

brexitschmexit Mon 27-Nov-17 11:34:33

So as not to drip feed - I think the recent silliness (teacher’s description, not mine) at school is because he isn’t a very confident child and is trying to “get in” with some of the boys in his class. Historically he has been friends with girls more than boys, tends to find the company of girls easier and he isn’t a typical boy, doesn’t enjoy football at playtime etc. I think he’s struggling to establish himself with the boys and is acting up out of fake bravado, to impress and amuse the boys (teacher said a few of them do this). Teacher is sympathetic to this but understandably can’t have DS messing about, being cheeky etc and wants to nip it in the bud. She thinks the “behaviour book” for a short period might do the trick.

So I need to bear all this in mind in my approach, whilst also making clear to DS he is in year 4 now and needs to take his lessons seriously, not be defiant/cheeky, respect his teachers (and me!), be truthful etc.

LadyFlangeWidget Mon 27-Nov-17 11:45:09

Hi, I have the same issues with my 8 year old DS. Consequences are no tv and games, ipad etc.
It is difficult I know and admit I often struggle to find a solution. This morning he headbutted his little brother for no we started the day badly. I do threaten to change schools and send to a ' stricter' one and this terrifies him. We have lying as well... I try to take the time to explain the consequences and hope it sinks in. Cheekiness is awful and his brother is the total opposite. I think he thinks its cool. .. to be rude. I just think god why cant you just be nice!!! arghhhhhhhhhhh

brexitschmexit Tue 28-Nov-17 09:51:08

Thanks lady! DS1 is also so unkind to DS2 so much of the time. DS2 is so forgiving of this and I think DS1 is really lucky to have him as his brother! Sometimes DS1 does something to him and when I say I am going to punish DS1 for it, DS2 will get upset and say please don’t, I love him! It’s like a bad habit now and DS1 finds it hard to break it. He tries to say “I’m just a mean person” which I don’t accept and tell him he is often kind to me, DD etc and I remind him he used to be nice to DS2 when he was little.

DS1 just seems so insecure and quick to say “you don’t love me, I’m a bad person” etc. He seems to need loads of reassurance that I love him or that he’s a good person, which is hard to do when he is being rude/challenging/defiant/mean! I do try but man it’s hard sometimes.

countingkids123 Tue 28-Nov-17 11:00:06

My 7 1/2 year old has been acting up lately, and acting out of character too. Think minor nastiness towards his little sister (boy not little brother), and low level disruption at school. He’s been bullied in the past so I’ve wanted to make sure we’re not in that situation again (we are at a different school now so no worries about the original bullies starting up their nastiness). I think part of it is an age thing, and part of it is the pressures of school. I’ve certainly noticed that this academic year seems a lot tougher than year 2 in terms of what is expected from them. For our ds, we’ve cancelled after school activities, he’s missed beavers sleepovers etc. Bed times have become earlier too and that has helped with the attitude at home. With any back chat, or if I think he’s trying to get in with an older crowd at school, I remind him that we do what’s right for ourselves and our family and we let other parents deal with their children. I don’t know. It’s a tricky one. I don’t know if withdrawing privileges is the ‘right’ way to go or if that will build resentment? I find this age so much trickier than the toddler stage.

brexitschmexit Mon 04-Dec-17 22:24:01

Thanks counting, I hear you re whether withdrawing privileges just builds resentment. It seems to just get DS’s back up even more and push him further into rudeness/disrespect. I am trying to work on focusing on the positives, really build him up for the good stuff - there is always something if I look for it, and although it’s hard to really big up the positives if he’s been difficult, it does seem to reap rewards. He seems to crave/need praise and positive reinforcement in a way my other DCs do not. It really is harder than the baby or toddler stage I have to say! DS1 is definitely my most complex child. The others have their challenges don’t get me wrong, but with DS1 I have to tread so much more carefully or really think about what I am doing and how.

Blinkingblimey Mon 04-Dec-17 23:05:52

It's not just the boys!!....we have similar issues with our middle dd...losing tv seems to be the only consequence that she takes seriously. I'm really interested to read your ds says "I'm just a mean person" when pulled up for being nasty to a sibling, my dd does just this and I have to keep persuading that she's not. Her teacher recently suggested the behaviour book but I vetoed in favour of a simple diary in which she records (bullet points not an essay) 1. The best thing of the day 2. Three things that made her feel happy and 3. One aspect of her behaviour that day that she knows she could have handled better. We then usually chat about 3 but finish on the other points to finish on a positive note. (I was worried she'd use the behaviour book somehow as a 'show off tactic' being the only one in the class to have one). Teacher knows that she can email or call re anything more concerning & expresses an interest to dd in looking over her 'diary' sometime. She also has some issues integrating with her peers in the class- it's not blatant bullying but there are some pretty manipulative individuals who know that she's not as wily as they are and can make her feel very excluded. We talk a lot about how not everyone is kind and that calmly letting them know that they haven't been pleasant but then walking away is the best course of action (though maybe I'm expecting too much of an 8yo) so your son's issues with his peers may well be the source of issues as you suggest. Anyone got any better consequence ideas other than a loss of screen?.. I really don't like denying afternoon clubs as for the most part I've paid in advance!!

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