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Desperately need help! 10 year old not liked by many

(16 Posts)
Busymummy50 Mon 13-Nov-17 10:45:47

My son was spoilt a lot when he was younger by family as he was the only child for a while. So for years, the moaning and tantrums and selfish behaviour, I put it down to being spoilt and the fact I don't have much patience when he whines and I don't usually speak calmly and lovingly like some parents do. I don't shout but my frustration can be seen by ways like walking to another room away from him when I should sit and talk things through.

He's now 10 and I'm sure I'm not being sensitive but I feel lots if people don't like him. He can come across really rude and ask people I know questions like "why are your lips so big?" Or " why do you look fat on the tv?" This question was asked when we viewed his aunties wedding photos on the tv. I have explained many times that there are some things that are offensive to say.

Then there are times when he'd seem to want to play but instead he's annoying the other child and they would ask him to stop but hed just carry on.....

He teases his sibling a lot, annoying her, taking her things or jumping out to scare her or interfere when she is happily playing with a play mate.

I sometimes tread picking him up from school as I know at some point, we will all be stressed out from his behaviour.

The only times he is quiet and lovely is when he plays computer games or anything else he likes to do.

Our neighbours have stopped sending him birthday cards as one year he said the cake she made for him was sickly. He meant it was rich and he loved the cake! My partner explained as genuinely he did love it and thought it was rich but used the wrong word. His own auntie and uncle and chosen to go away the week of his birthday without asking us if we had any plans. All of this are my assumptions and maybe I'm being over sensitive but this is what it feels like to me . At a recent person in his classes birthday party, he was not invited but the other boys in his group did.

He has always loved watching tv or playing computer games to the extebt that if ge was left to play all day, he would. I used to restrict him a lot but found that it made him not desperate to play and angry when he has to get off. Now he can play a but everyday and it's much more manageable. He has a lack of interests, just games or anything physical like swimming, climbing trees etc, not anything educational as he finds it boring.

I am sad for him and I'm not sure how to help him. Please has anyone got any ideas or been in a similar situation and came out the other side all good?!

Sometimes I think it could be aspergers. As he does seem to struggle socially , even though he has a good set of friends, he seems to be the one left out sometimes. Like on school trips, he'll be the one who doesn't get to pair up with the friends he wants as they would've chosen to pair up with someone else. Or at birthday parties involving getting into groups, he'll end up with the people he didn't choose. He can seem quite selfish, very competitive to the extent that he'd go off alone to make sure he wins or does better.

Really need help but not sure How! Feel like an absolute failure sad

doodle01 Mon 13-Nov-17 10:59:07

Does he do any sport.
Absolute key.
10 Y/O boys should be doing something football / rugby or both there are Sunday leagues for rugby and Sat leagues for football. not computer games.
My 10 y/o had activities 4 times a week at 10 and now a teenager he still does.
Team mates are more tolerant of each other especially if they have a talent.
He needs more socialising.
Not being sporty if thats a believed issue is no excuse. He shouldnt have time to be annoying he should be worn out.
There are kids with ADHD/ Autistic spectrum etc on my kids team

doodle01 Mon 13-Nov-17 11:08:45

Kids change
Sometimes its that he is not friends with the kids YOU really want him to be friends with ( sporty boys ) and ends up with the quiet loners.
You could offer to take him and the friends you want him to associate with out kids need a push and direction.
Friendship groups outside school can be different to those inside school.
Sometimes the easiest kids to make friends with are the ones who are easier to be with and dont challenge you to be Alpha male etc.

doodle01 Mon 13-Nov-17 11:15:48

Sorry keep posting
Where is his dad. he should be stepping up to the mark. Dads also sometimes need a push to get going ( I did ) and sport offers up friendships for father and sons.
If dad not around for any reason there are many many sporting mums on touch line usually one or the other rather than both. Also many spin offs from these things after match activities and you will find many willing to help out with transport etc.
You dont even need to be any good for many teams although football gets competitive aged 13 ish spread risk with more than one sport and persevere.
This also links into school teams.
Gives a kid credibility amongst peer groups.
Know i sound like public school tart but its been true.

Busymummy50 Mon 13-Nov-17 13:50:22

He has swimming lessons every week and snowboard lesson. After school during week, has chess club and cubs.

He doesn't like football, rugby or any sports involving working together. Preferring sports which are independent. He doesn't find it hard to make friends butbits keeping friends which is an issue. At swimming or snowboarding, he'd be likely the one who would make conversation sometimes.

He gets bored very easily so whatever I try to get him to do outside school, he'd usually like it to start with then get bored after a while. I've tried my best to encourage going out to play maybe walks in the forest or park but with just me and his sibling, he'd not always keen. I don't want to push too hard either.

Outside of school he hmdoesnt have any friends. I don't have many friends closeby as they are all a bit further away and most don't even have children. Closeby friends are people I have met through school.

His father works long hours and not always home long enough to make a difference so most things at home is left to me

Busymummy50 Mon 13-Nov-17 13:54:40

He loves computer games too much. I don't even let him play a lot but he just finds it difficult without it! If it's not computer then he'd try go on my phone or the tablet. As soon as he's bored, he'll look for a screen! So making anything more appealing is a difficult job to do. He likes going swimming, cubs and snowboarding but these cannot be done ALL the time. He has to learn to be at home without the use of a computer. At which point he would moan he's bored, tease his sister and annoy everyone.... I'm really struggling

doodle01 Mon 13-Nov-17 14:38:20

He’s lucky your so thoughtful
Sometimes you have to separate what you the adult thinks and perceive from the perception of a 10 year old of the other sex

Even gaming is sociable if on line many kids Are and speak to school friends which is ok if done properly and you lend the occasional listening ear and monitor it and he knows the rules

My son at this age was on the cusp of mores sociable life but I still until recently when he told me to butt out a bit put it together to be with his friends ( and still do as I’m friends with their dads ) as any distance is too far at this age unless next door

But he still has same friends we encouraged and a couple I’m glad I didn’t

Don’t know how he can not like social sports he hasn’t really tried them personally I’d make him go and encourage to participate he may grow to like it
And be a bit mean he’ll have to socialise at college or wrk one day

Sleepovers are reciprocated invites out ditto

If parents are sociable kids tend to be I wasn’t but am now because of son !

I still think Dad needs to get involved much more to encourage him boys are different with mum than Dad

Swimming snowboarding great indoor snow is good !! but some sports are social by nature and breed sociability and have spin offs for whole family

Personally I’d mKe him go to football or rugby if he was going to boarding school he would be forced to be sociable and play sport

Walks in forest with mum great but I’d probably have taken his mate too

Busymummy50 Mon 13-Nov-17 15:53:33

He has tried football clubs at school before and he didn't like it but he likes kicking a ball around if he's with a friend at the park. Thing is at 10, I am finding that him and his school friends are running around less and talking more nowadays.

I am a lot more sociable now since I had children but still not as great as I see others are.

He plays online with friends either from school or has met through friends from school online and they talk online. Sometimes they be mean to him and I've taught him not to take any of it and get straight off and play by himself or with us. Sometimes I join in computer play to get into his world.

Does it sound like he may have aspergers? Or simply growing up and finding less things interesting!

In terms of dad, he totally doesn't see the personality of the kids and thinks comouter games should be taken away during the week and kids should concentrate on doing extra education work outside school. He wasn't bought up in a loving family and as much as he loves his kids, he fails to see things my way. Since he works most of the days and long hours, I'm left to do it all. I play comouter games with my son, take him on bike rides, shoot nerf guns but I have a daughter too so splitting the time is hard when she likes cuddly toys and dolls! It's finding the things we can do altogether that helps

doodle01 Tue 14-Nov-17 08:16:51

There is a lot of Asperger's trait people out there I reckon its part of the human condition. You may never know.
Aspergers people can do well by which I mean having mates - in competitive sport as they have the focus on the game and strategy as point of contact.
Sorry to bang on but playing Nerf with mum wont cut the ice he needs to be socialised with his peers which as you rightly point out is the concern and issue.

Busymummy50 Tue 14-Nov-17 10:17:52

He is very competitive and I think that's why he doesnt like football, rugby or sports working as a team. He likes to be up against people and having a chance of winning.

Yes I agree with the nerf guns. We just play in the garden sometimes, making targets and shooting. He has been to his friends birthday party where they all played nerf gun shooting in the forest but he was ended up in the tram that he didn't want to be in and the kids that he did want to be with just left him out. Not sure how I can help him with that sad

I do arrange play dates for him outside school a lot. I let him invite kids to have sleepovers too in the school holidays and take him on outings with friends whenever I can. Play dates is mainly playing on computer with his friends though and usually only invite 1 friend but more recently he has been trying to have 2 friends at the same time. If he's in a bigger group then he is usually the one left on the side not having a big enough voice to be heard. But I remember being like that when I was younger too. Again, not sure how I can help him with that

goodmum23 Tue 14-Nov-17 10:34:20

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

MrsOverTheRoad Tue 14-Nov-17 11:40:06

Does he eat a good diet? My DD was very much a different child before I completely stopped all processed foods.

They affected her so badly...her temper, confidence...all kinds of ways...she's 13 now and very different to the way she was at ten.

Busymummy50 Tue 14-Nov-17 12:41:21

That's good to hear! No he's diet is not that great. I put a lot of effort into cooking healthy food but he much prefers the not so healthy food :/

MrsOverTheRoad Tue 14-Nov-17 21:29:04

Try to stop buying the rubbish food OP...no..don't try...just do.

At ten you still have time to fix it. You can't underestimate the affect of a bad diet on a child's personality.

Anything in a packet or pre-cooked was out for us....that meant no biscuits, no cakes and no crisps...no processed meat snacks or processed cheese.

Just whole foods.....fresh fruit and veg, meat and fish....I baked muffins a couple of times a week and they were the only sweet things apart from honey on porrige.

If he's hungry he will eat it.

Goldmandra Tue 14-Nov-17 23:08:20

Does it sound like he may have aspergers?

He sounds very similar to my DDs who both have AS. I suggest you read around it and see how you feel it fits him. Consider you can see any sensory issues or problems with executive function (the ability to order and prioritise tasks and follow complex instructions) and central coherence (the ability to see the bigger picture rather tan focusing on the detail).

Be careful about trying to take control of his diet. The rule that a child will eat when he's hungry doesn't always apply to children with Aspergers/Autism and you could create a huge problem.

Does he struggle in school or find it particularly stressful/exhausting? Does he make a huge effort to fit in at school then lose it when he gets home and feels safe to express himself openly? These are both common traits in AS.

You can approach your GP with a list of difficulties and request a referral for a neurodevelopmental assessment which will pick up AS if he has it.

doodle01 Wed 15-Nov-17 16:30:16

Went away with group this summer kid you’d think was one of the boys couldn’t handle it couldnt keep up and got left out
I had to tell son to look after him
there is a group dynamic just have to get up to speed

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