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Help... School is victimising son due to "behavior" problems however he is an entirely different child at home

(8 Posts)
DefeatedMom Wed 04-Oct-17 12:23:20

Ok so back in 2015 my son started school aged 5. He is my only child and I stayed at home with him for the majority of the 5 years so he had a few difficulties settling in to a full school day. The school raised concerns with me saying he was inattentive and talkative during class, and that he could not concentrate on even write and that he may have adhd. I took it on board but explained my son knows how to read and write already (which I brought in books to show his work and I was dismissed) and suggested he may be a little bit bored so I asked them if we could give it a little more time to see if he would settle before they took any action maybe give him extra work to do, and be quiet firm with the school rules and what is expected of him etc....

Within a couple of weeks I had been informed that they were taking action and moving my son to a motor sensory room a couple of times a day to see would this help (this carried on for the last two years)
Now if my son had sensory issues I would have no problem with that but it is a room full of toys, of course a 5/6 year old would rather spend his day there than in a classroom working. I expressed deep concern this was not the right move to make and that they were not doing him any favours, but they insisted that they were well used to dealing with this situation and that they could handle it in the appropriate manner needed,

so I trusted their judgement and I have regretted it ever since. Soon after that, I was approached and told my son needed/had an special needs assistant to sit with him during the day because he kept getting into trouble, the purpose of this was to bring him to the motor sensory room (play room) and that to continue doing so they would need to have him psychologically assessed.... Again I expressed concern that my son does not behave that way at home at all and that the motor sensory room was not working as my son had told me one day after school that "he doesn't like class so he goes to the play room"

My son is now well aware that if he continues to misbehave he will continue to be brought to the motor sensory room. So I explained this to the principal and was again dismissed as an interior opinion on the matter, his day was too long and needed to be cut by an hour and a half (7 1/2 hrs a week) this as well continued for the last two years amounting to approx 600 hrs

After many verbal disagreements, meetings, letters and upsets I brought him to the doctor for a private referral but he said he didn't feel it necessary as my son sat quietly the whole time we were talking.... So I caved and had him assessed by the school, it came back inconclusive because the psychologist could find no obvious diagnosis as I had explained non of these issues were apparent at home.

He WAS misbehaving at school, with even a couple of incidents pushing it hitting someone.....but he was coming home and acting like the golden child, tidying up after himself, doing his homework (perfectly neat and tidy) being respectful towards is and behaving in general.... I was and still am totally at a loss.... Surely if he did have some issues he wouldn't be able to turn them on and off at the flick of a switch come hometime???

This has continued for two years and I have been dismissed at every turn. My son has now been taught that if he disrupts the class enough he will be brought out to that room and he doesn't want to break that habit. I have put my foot down and expressed that the special needs assistant be removed as my son has no diagnosis and some other child who really needs them may not have one, and that my son now 7 is made to stay in class and learn how to be a full time student like the others.

I am fully aware my sons behavior in school is totally wrong but he is consistently punished for it by being separated from the class and not allowed on break times which is also affecting his ability to conform

My issue is after two years my son has now been taught that if he misbehaves he will either be brought to the motor sensory room or sent home, two places he would much rather be..... so he does. He has always been given the easy way out rather than being made to behave, he has no problem following rules at home.

What do I do..... I have and do punish him at home whenever he misbehaves in school, but he just apologises and says he gets frustrated in school then he is good as gold at home.....

It's got to the point where my son has had an outburst in school and said he wanted to kill himself.... He is only 7 years old.....

I don't know what to do anymore my son doesn't know how to be a student and participate in class because he has never been made to do so consistently.... He has missed approx 600 hrs from school over the two years because of their decision and he spends the majority of the rest of the time playing with toys in school..... Yet his reading, writing and maths skills are all above average for his age group because I put the effort in at home.

Please help any advice I just feel so defeated....

Kleinzeit Wed 04-Oct-17 13:26:07

It is quite commonplace for children with certain issues - especially sensory issues - to behave beautifully at home where it is familiar and quiet, and with only one or two adults to deal with, but have a lot of trouble in a busy noisy highly stimulating environment full of other children such as a school classroom.

One practical thing you can do is to stop punishing him at home for misbehaviour in school. Even if the underlying reasons for his problems have not been fully identified, his distractibility and sense of frustration are not his fault. It sounds as if the current classroom environment does not suit his needs at all.

You might consider home schooling; you might also consider really pushing for a fully developmental assessment, not just by a psychologist but by a developmental paediatritian. Your GP should be able to point you in the right direction. Or look for a private assessment. You should ideally get input from a range of professionals - speech and language therapist to look at how he communicates with other children and especially his non-verbal communication and other social communication issues; developmental paediatritian; clinical psychologist; and occupational therapist to look at sensory issues.

flowers

DefeatedMom Wed 04-Oct-17 15:50:10

Thank you for replying, it's not just home he can behave, trips/outings/holidays go off without a hitch, he is well able to go to busy play areas, shopping centers, cinema, airport with absolutely no issues. He is also perfectly able to communicate how he feels verbally, he is kind and empathetic as well as a very bubbly and social child, so I don't believe that sensory problems is the issue here. I have visited Gp many times he also doest see any issues bar bad behavior.... I feel He is just misbehaving because they are pandering to him and he would rather be in the motor sensory room as that is where he has spent the last 2 years, I think he needs to be integrated back into the class in order to progress as a student

Kleinzeit Wed 04-Oct-17 19:23:14

That's strange. Thing is, it's not usual for a five year old to prefer spending the day playing games alone instead of being in class. At that age class work isn't just grind, it has games, social activity, creativity, and it's usually individualisesd a bit for different levels of ability - so I would be surprised if boredom was the issue (if he was older I'd be less surprised) Something must be stressing him out badly if he is so desperate to leave the classroom that he's deliberately misbehaving to get out.

If you think the school are mis-handling the situation and making things worse then how about moving him elsewhere? Sometimes a fresh start makes all the difference.

Hairq Fri 06-Oct-17 06:54:53

Would you consider moving him to another school? It sounds like a situation has escalated and they're afraid to back down. It would be interesting to see what happens with a fresh start somewhere in the clear knowledge that he is expected to behave beautifully at school and to be treated exactly like the other pupils. If his behaviour continues to be concerning you will know that he does have sensory issues etc and can consider other options (e.g. Home schooling or a special school). It's hard to say though - I can see how one teacher and even the head might make this mistake but presumably he's had 3 or 4 teachers by now and they're all making the same judgement. I'm falling more on your side, but I do wonder how that's happened.

Hairq Fri 06-Oct-17 06:57:05

How was he at nursery/preschool by the way? Any issues there?

DefeatedMom Fri 06-Oct-17 10:51:49

I didn't want to move him schools but I feel I have no option now. Hit the nail on the head they are afraid to back down now and admit he has taken the p* the last two years.... God forbid the young mother may know what she's talking about...(I am also educated and certified in childcare)

You slightly broached on the issue there he is in his 3rd year of school so Is on his 3rd teacher however they all have seem to taken the same opinion (which I completely understand given his behavior) but he is never told expressly what's expected from him by the school in class, they really take a softly softly approach and he utilizes that to his own benefit, for instance he could be happy quietly working away in class, then they come in randomly and ask him would he like to go for a walk or to the motor sensory room, which he does on a daily basis. Then they have the audacity to tell me he finds it hard to stay in class..... Of course because he knows your coming to collect him weather he has a good day or not that you will take him away from his work and out of the classroom...... How would he know how to conform to student life... in two years they have never made him.....

MrsCasserole Mon 09-Oct-17 14:04:38

Reading your post has really struck a chord with me, in actual fact I just posted a thread about my son who has just started school. Already I feel he is being isolated from others in his class because of his disruptive behaviour.
I don't have much advice to give you I'm afraid but just wanted to say you are not alone. School are rewarding him for being naughty by sending him to the playroom or home. Its like they don't know what to do with him so sending him out for an easy life.
Ive been getting the exact same thing, he was constantly sent home at pre-school and have already had a call to see if I wanted to pick him up as he was struggling. (which I did not-he hadn't even done anything wrong!)
It sounds like you are not getting the right support at the school, but if he is disruptive at school wouldn't he act the same at another school and you could potentially still have the same problem.
its so stressful being a parent!

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